The Perennial Bachelor

My first wife went with a guy called Bob,

The carpet cleaning guy,

The second left with a man called Rob,

She said I was far too shy,

The third, an exotic dancer, I

Had met dancing round a pole,

And she took off with a guy called Sly

With a band called ‘Rock ‘n Roll.’

 

I never seemed able to keep them

Once I’d signed on the dotted line,

For everything in my bank account

Would suddenly be, ‘That’s mine!’

They’d take the house and they’d take the car

And they’d take my only suit,

The one that I had married them in,

(I’ve never been that astute!).

 

So I swore off women and wedding bells,

And lived in a boarding house,

I thought I’d keep myself to myself,

Was quiet as any mouse,

The landlady was a tall ash-blonde

Who would prowl outside my door,

At ten each night she would want to fight,

‘Come wrestle me on the floor!’

 

She’d married a German Wrestler,

Whose name was ‘Attack-Me Karl’,

He’d watch for tenants, flirting his wife,

And then you would hear him snarl,

So I’d keep the lock on my door up-tight

When his wife tapped on my door,

‘I’m not going to let you in tonight

While Attack-Me Karl’s abroad!’

 

I met Elaine in the common room

Where she made me toast and tea,

She’d wait ‘til it was quiet as a tomb,

Come over and sit by me,

She said that I fascinated her,

For I’d not even made a pass,

And Sundays, she would follow me out

Sprawl next to me on the grass.

 

She told me she was free as a bird,

Was anyone’s there to choose,

She’d drop her top while sunning herself

While I stayed lost in my muse.

She said divorce was a terrible thing

That marriage was sanctified,

I told her I’d not marry again

And she lay on the grass, and cried.

 

I moved to live in a river flat

And she moved right in with me,

I said, ‘You come and go as you please,’

And gave her a duplicate key.

We’ve lived together for twenty years

And she’s never looked at a man,

But marriage has never been on the cards,

It’s not been part of the plan.

 

She stays because she can walk away,

She stays because she is free,

She says she’d love to be married again,

While I say, ‘Not to me!’

I think that women are too perverse

To be held to an altar vow,

She has no genuine hold on me

Though I love her, even now!’

 

David Lewis Paget

Reviews

[roarke]

Now that's what I call love. Funny now after almost twenty years, my wife want to get legally married.... I can relate to this piece. Also funny how guys try for all they're worth to stay single and somehow or another those perverse women always manage to get their way...... go figure.

[MoriartyMesa]

Not sure how many times I can tip my hat and offer to by you a drink. I can only hope my work can come close to yours. By an ocean or three.

[A Soap Mess Stories]

We should all do what makes us happy whether it's marriage or co-habitation...great story...

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

A comical and telling piece that makes one think soundly, well done, good read.

[Claire in VA]

Brilliant narrative. I enjoyed reading it.
Claire =)

[Raymond Federle]

Whimsical and full of emotion all at once...excellent write my friend! :)

[Lyn Anderson]

Another great story poem.

[Marie]

Sometimes marriage dan be too confining. A bird kept in a cage does not sing as sweetly as one free to come and go. Well told.

[A. Amos]

Now this was one of your best my friend, what a journey and ride as a reader I have enjoyed this read. It was more like watching a movie, your truly experience some interesting women in your life:)

[Avinash]

Seems like my story. Although never been married but yeah it is more likely to be so as i always fell for free spirited women.