Dorazamite

The children wanted a puppy dog

But I always told them no,

We only had an apartment, with

No place for it to grow,

They groaned and wailed ‘til the wife had paled,

‘You’ll have to shut them up!

They’re driving me stone crazy,

All they want is a tiny pup.’

 

‘It can’t be done, they make a mess

And they’re always underfoot,

I’ll get them something inanimate

From the net, I’ll look it up.’

I finally found a Russian site

Where they sold some crystal seed,

‘Try growing your own Dorazamite,

It’s the only pet you’ll need!’

 

I sent away for a starter kit

And it took a week to come,

A couple of packets of crystals

So I bought an aquarium,

The screed said ‘Just add water, then

Sit back to watch it grow,’

The kids weren’t very impressed, they said:

‘It seems to grow so slow!’

 

‘It takes a while,’ I began to smile,

‘But Rome wasn’t built in a day!’

‘We only wanted a puppy dog

To take outside, and play.’

It had started forming crystals, but

I gradually forgot,

And failed to check the aquarium,

Whether it grew, or not.

 

One day the kids were excited, said:

‘It’s starting to move about,

It ate the couple of skinks we found,

And keeps on getting out,

I found it down on the kitchen rug

In its blues and greens and golds,

But cut my hands when I picked it up,

Too sharp for me to hold.

 

A week went by and I heard them cry

‘It’s taken a lizard shape,

Has run right under the microwave,

It’s trying to escape.’

‘It’s only a pile of crystals, it

Can’t walk, or snap its jaws…’

‘It can,’ they said, when they went to bed,

‘It’s become a Dorazasaur!’

 

That night, the sounds of a tinkling had

Prevented me from sleep,

Like chandeliers in the wind, the sound

Was making my flesh creep,

The door burst open at three o’clock

With a jangling-wrangling roar,

And there was a glittering lizard, standing

There at the shattered door.

 

With a crystal eye, and four foot high

Its teeth were red, and sharp,

Its claws were very like amethysts

That tore at me in the dark,

It chased me out to the balcony

When I stood aside, it leapt,

Down to the concrete driveway

Where it shattered across the steps.

 

We live in a dangerous neighbourhood

Where we have to be on guard,

Where crystal birds, and crystal rats

Run out in your own backyard,

There are crystal dogs and crystal cats

That attack, and eat, and fight,

All from that lousy crystal pack

They called Dorazamite!

 

David Lewis Paget

Reviews

[A Soap Mess Stories]

One frightening story David.

[Lena M. P.]

That is too funny. I could picture it in my head so easily because we grew those silly things a time or two growing up. Nicely done.

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

Indeed an era that lets one shed all that nonsense of reality, well done, good read.

[Marie]

He should have settled for that puppy, shouldn't he? It might have made a mess, but there wouldn't be crystal creatures running all over the place...

[BlackRose]

So hilarious!! Had me in stitches. Once again, writing your amazing magic. :o)

[Sourav]

Nice, interesting and entertaining! Awesome!

[Raymond Federle]

Funny and entertaining! Excellent! :)