The Wizard of Barkly Chase

He came unbidden one frosty night

To the village of Barkly Chase,

He didn’t look out of the ordinary

But carried a single case,

The empty cottage of Peggy Sykes

Had been rented once before,

The neighbours watched as the Wizard walked

Right up to the old front door.

 

‘He’s going in, it’s as sure as sin,’

Said the Widow Marx from her blinds,

‘I’ll tell old Mrs. McCafferty

He’ll be playing around with our minds.’

She’d heard a wizard was headed their way

From Jenny, the Witch of the Moor,

And had bought up seventeen toilet rolls

From Rafferty’s village store.

 

‘What would you want with seventeen rolls,’

Said Ethel McGurk with the gout,

‘I don’t, it’s part of my strategy,

I’m going to drive him out.

There isn’t a store in a couple of miles

And they’re not delivered ‘til June,

We’ll see how long he can go without

When he’s bursting his balloon.’

 

The women cackled with evil glee,

They thought it a perfect plan,

‘We’ll see how his spells will help him out

When he has to use his hand.’

‘He’ll not come near, I can tell you that,’

Said the virgin, Hazel Pace,

‘If he so much looks, I will knock him flat,

I’ve got fifteen cans of mace.’

 

The Wizard stayed for a week, he did,

And never came out the door,

The week turned into a fortnight, and

He looked like staying for more.

‘He must have been constipated,’ said

The Widow Marx to her friend,

‘He probably had a roll in his case,’

Said the woman from Brissom End.

 

Excitement grew in the village square,

‘His washing’s out on the line,

I’d never have looked but I saw it flap,

It’s a most mysterious sign!’

They held their breath at the news from Beth:

‘There are demons all over his jocks,

And you wouldn’t credit the Wizard’s gall,

There are magic stripes on his socks!’

 

A month went by, and the women pried

At night when his lights were out,

They’d peer on in though his curtains,

Widow Marx and the one with gout.

‘He’s got himself a computer thing

Those ones that glow through the house,

And he’s keeping a little familiar there,

I heard him call it ‘The Mouse’.

 

They lifted their skirts in horror, and

The virgin had jumped on a chair,

‘Those magical mice are demon things

And they climb up everywhere.’

‘This Wizard’s going to be hard to crack,

I thought he’d be gone by now,

He has to be brewing a terrible spell,

We have to find out, but how?’

 

The Wizard went for a walk one night

When he thought to get some air,

And Hazel Pace jumped out of a tree,

Poured honey all through his hair,

The Widow Marx had a besom broom

And beat him over the head,

‘We know you’re plotting the village’s doom,

What about this, instead?’

 

The Wizard packed up his single case

And left the very next day,

All the women hung on the gate

And shouted ‘Hip hip, hooray!’

‘We beat the Wizard, we saw him off

With his spells and his little case!’

But they wonder why there isn’t a man

Within miles of Barkly Chase.

 

David Lewis Paget

 

Reviews

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

This reminds me of a busy body that lived next to us as I was growing up. She was always minding everyone else's business, peering through blinds, gossiping about this and that. If women like this would live their own lives, they wouldn't be so consumed with everyone else's.

[TL Boehm]

Ah what the biddy hens can do to a poor man - chasing him off like that. Well done

[wordwarrior]

...when he has to use his hand....! OMG David, I laughed out loud at that line! Love that whole verse! Haha and I adore the ending. This is such a wonderful tale that had me riveted throughout with lots of smiles and chuckles.
You weave a tale oh so well!

[Enid Blake]

Hubble bubble, toil and trouble ... Liked this one !

[TrimarcoRansome]

Brilliant! I am still sat smiling away at the screen as I write, you are the master of poetry here!

[Keith]

Another ripper, not so much a tale of mystery but a comment on prejudice and preconception. And once again it only unfolds in the very last line. Enjoyed this one too David. Also enjoying your book 'Pen and Ink' those early works are sensational. I am seeing different styles, love the variety.

[Anand Sehgal]

Brilliant story-telling. captivating fantastic world .

[S.L.H]

I like the blend of old fantasy and new age ways. Very humorous, with enough information to make your own assumptions without being told directly. You really do have masterful pacing; not just this piece, and it shows. A sturdy, yet whimsical poem. Well Done!

[Marie]

Looks as if these women have protected themselves too well.

[Tom]

Hilarious right up to the most pertinent point at the end! Gossiping women, the bane of many a good man's character !