She Who Knows All...

My wife has a mind like a steel trap,

There’s nothing escapes her view,

It must be something that women share

When they say, ‘Here’s looking at you!’

It’s not just meant as a friendly toast

But more of a warning shot,

Whatever you’ve done is filed away

Whether you want it or not!

 

You can call it gossip or call it chat,

You can call it scratch my itch,

Whenever they get together, the talk

Gets round to ‘that crazy b***h!’

They can reel off generations of flaws

In a genealogical line,

And point out where the family trees

Inextricably intertwine.

 

‘That was Margaret Bloom’s old place

Before she married Ted Gray,

He’d dumped his wife and their seven kids

So he could go off and play.

When his wife went into the Nursing Home

Then Ted was filled with remorse,

He asked, was anything he could do,

Then the b*****d shot her horse!’

 

‘Was that the woman who…?’ ‘Yes, she did!

She danced on the bar at noon,

Nobody thought she drank that much

‘Til that Easter afternoon.

She said it must have been chocolate frogs

As she’d never done it before,

Those ones that have the liqueurs in them,

But she’d only eaten four.’

 

‘I seem to recall…’ ‘Her sister, yes!

Now wasn’t she just a tramp!

She had it off with the postman, Harv,

And the one who carries the lamp!’

‘You mean the…’ ‘No, not him, you fool,

He was as gay as a tent,

An all-in wrestler choked that one

On the very first day of Lent.’

 

‘Old Mrs. Mopps…’ ‘Yes wasn’t that sad,

She drowned in the water tank,

Trying to rescue her grandson’s boat,

He pushed her in as it sank.’

‘Not her, I meant…’ ‘Oh the other one,

The Mopps from Slimy Top?

The one that poisoned her husband with

The home-made sweets from her shop!’

 

‘I thought…’ ‘ You don’t, you never observe

You men are as thick as a brick,

You didn’t pick up the cues when Jean

Went home with our candlestick.’

‘I didn’t think…’ ‘No you never do,

You leave it all up to God,

She went and set fire to her mother’s house,

May she rest in peace, poor sod!’

 

‘I find it hard to believe…’ ‘You do,

You’ve never quite understood,

We live in a den of iniquity

In this general neighbourhood.

I saw that Betty, ogling you

In the bar last Friday night,

And I walked right up and I told her, too,

‘I know you’re flying a kite.’

 

‘She backed right off…’ ‘But I didn’t know,

It’s nothing to do with me!’

‘Well don’t get any ideas, my lad,

I’m not going to set you free.’

We sat in the kitchen, me bemused,

I said, ‘That Betty’s a liar!’

The wife just glowered, until I said:

‘The chicken’s just caught on fire!’

 

David Lewis Paget

 

Reviews

[Tate Morgan]

I cant stop laughing at this This is a rare bird. You outdid yourself this time . Oh man no wonder we never understand women. lol This great the interplay of what we say .She says one thing we hear another .This is so different from your usual work very well done well done!

[quinfinn]

women....can't live with em, can't murder em without going to prison....i err on the side of caution, just go along with whatever they say and do and hope they throw a little attention and romance my way. this is a wonderful rendering of the nuances of gossip and the comedy of conversation between like minds. well done!

[TL Boehm]

this one made me chuckle! I am pretty oblivious to the goings on around me but when my husband's mom visits, she knows everything about all my neighbors. I am not sure how she does it, but this piece reminded me of her and brought a smile. Well done. (condolences to the poultry)