She Who Knows All...

My wife has a mind like a steel trap,

There’s nothing escapes her view,

It must be something that women share

When they say, ‘Here’s looking at you!’

It’s not just meant as a friendly toast

But more of a warning shot,

Whatever you’ve done is filed away

Whether you want it or not!

 

You can call it gossip or call it chat,

You can call it scratch my itch,

Whenever they get together, the talk

Gets round to ‘that crazy b***h!’

They can reel off generations of flaws

In a genealogical line,

And point out where the family trees

Inextricably intertwine.

 

‘That was Margaret Bloom’s old place

Before she married Ted Gray,

He’d dumped his wife and their seven kids

So he could go off and play.

When his wife went into the Nursing Home

Then Ted was filled with remorse,

He asked, was anything he could do,

Then the b*****d shot her horse!’

 

‘Was that the woman who…?’ ‘Yes, she did!

She danced on the bar at noon,

Nobody thought she drank that much

‘Til that Easter afternoon.

She said it must have been chocolate frogs

As she’d never done it before,

Those ones that have the liqueurs in them,

But she’d only eaten four.’

 

‘I seem to recall…’ ‘Her sister, yes!

Now wasn’t she just a tramp!

She had it off with the postman, Harv,

And the one who carries the lamp!’

‘You mean the…’ ‘No, not him, you fool,

He was as gay as a tent,

An all-in wrestler choked that one

On the very first day of Lent.’

 

‘Old Mrs. Mopps…’ ‘Yes wasn’t that sad,

She drowned in the water tank,

Trying to rescue her grandson’s boat,

He pushed her in as it sank.’

‘Not her, I meant…’ ‘Oh the other one,

The Mopps from Slimy Top?

The one that poisoned her husband with

The home-made sweets from her shop!’

 

‘I thought…’ ‘ You don’t, you never observe

You men are as thick as a brick,

You didn’t pick up the cues when Jean

Went home with our candlestick.’

‘I didn’t think…’ ‘No you never do,

You leave it all up to God,

She went and set fire to her mother’s house,

May she rest in peace, poor sod!’

 

‘I find it hard to believe…’ ‘You do,

You’ve never quite understood,

We live in a den of iniquity

In this general neighbourhood.

I saw that Betty, ogling you

In the bar last Friday night,

And I walked right up and I told her, too,

‘I know you’re flying a kite.’

 

‘She backed right off…’ ‘But I didn’t know,

It’s nothing to do with me!’

‘Well don’t get any ideas, my lad,

I’m not going to set you free.’

We sat in the kitchen, me bemused,

I said, ‘That Betty’s a liar!’

The wife just glowered, until I said:

‘The chicken’s just caught on fire!’

 

David Lewis Paget

 

Reviews

[Tate Morgan]

I cant stop laughing at this This is a rare bird. You outdid yourself this time . Oh man no wonder we never understand women. lol This great the interplay of what we say .She says one thing we hear another .This is so different from your usual work very well done well done!

[Constance Payne]

Excellent...for a man to understand a woman he would have to become one and then still yet it would not be so easy a task...but I think to the tables would be turned....love the ending.

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarri..]

LOL! I know a girl that must read this one! O boy its great :D :D

[Stella Armour]

nothing like a bit of neighbourhood gossip when we girls get together, and woe betide the husbands who dare to misbehave...lol

[Harrisen Viator]

Honestly, I think I'll take the advice that I got from reading this poem. Don't try to keep things from your wife, she's gonna find out. I really enjoyed this one a lot, and it was really funny, too.

[A Soap Mess Stories]

This was funny! Great story! :-)

[Mark]

While many of us can avoid lightning rods, and most of us can avoid lighthouses, cain't NONE of us avoid women, far and away the deadliest hazard men are compelled to deal with...
Can barely type, I'm chuckling so hard! Your title reminded me of a PBS show involving a British barrister, who was forever referring to his wife as , "she who must be obeyed". Was it "Rumpole of the Bailey"?
ANYway, I hadn't reviewed you in a few weeks--had to let my superlatives collection reblossom, having stripped the stems some time ago--but I just don't know how often I can say, "My friend, you've done it again!"

[Valentine]

BRAT...Valentine

[Mark]

Sorry, Val, I don't get your meaning--but if I offended, I humbly apologize--my comments (to David) were intended to be taken as tongue-in-cheek!

[Robert James Parfett]

Thoroughly enjoyed this and made me smile. I'm not just agreeing with you because I'm a man, but women do love gossip! There again so do quite a few men!! Love the humour of this poem and was good to see another facet of your work.

[Marie]

THis happened in a neighborhood...you wouldn't believe what happened in my church...

[Veronica Chandler]

Hitting the nail on the head and many fit this bill it is true, but only those with nothing better to do. I will agree when it is said, "If mama aint happy...nobody's happy" I am amused by the women in my family and all the, "Who did what to who's for how much" Wisdom, as usual, flows from your pen so freely.

[Emerald Seas]

Haha - read this a bit ago from your FB link. Gave me a good laugh. I'm fairly clueless about what chatter goes on - more important things to do! Some people thrive on this type of behavior. Personally, it drives me bonkers.
Fun write!