The Ark

‘You sinners all will be damned to hell,’

He roared in the empty church,

His hair was wild, he never smiled

The vicar of Bromley Birch,

The congregation the church had had

Were laid out under their stones,

Whatever sins were unshriven, still

Were left in a pile of bones.

 

He’d lost parishioners one by one

As they all grew old and died,

He’d sent them off with a final view

Of what hell was like, inside,

He’d stirred the sulphur and brimstone there

Like a witch with a cooking pot,

And sent them off with a sermon, cursed,

Whether they’d go, or not.

 

The youngsters wandered from Bromley Birch

To pay their dues by the sea,

Down at the church by Donnington

Where they’d not see Vicar Tree,

The Synod muttered and mumbled then,

Put Bromley up for sale,

‘The only thing that will draw them there

Is a bar where they sell brown ale!’

 

So Tree delved into his savings and

He bought the ancient church,

And thought to set up a cult where he

Could rant and rave and lurch,

He’d never favoured the gospels, he

Preferred the ancient book,

The sins of the older testament

Where the Devil would be the hook.

 

But no-one came, to his mortal shame

And the roof began to leak,

The doors came away from their hinges, and

The rates were due in a week,

He cast about for a purpose

And he read the old book twice,

He read the story of Noah’s Ark

And he thought: ‘That would be nice!’

 

He sought the views of a carpenter

And they gathered up the pews,

Old Jack Molloy said the wood was good,

There was plenty they could use.

They built the ark on a minor scale

To suit the building’s size,

With the tiller back in the vestry and

The gunnels along the aisles.

 

‘You won’t get too many elephants

On this,’ said Jack Molloy,

‘Giraffes will hit on the crossbeams…’

(He just said it to annoy).

‘We won’t be taking no elephants,

Just ducks and pigs and sheep,

A couple of geese and a goat or two,

And anything we can eat!’

 

For Tree thought Noah had gone too far,

‘Why take things to be bred,

Like cats and rats and dogs and mice

That just need to be fed?

The spiders we could do well without,

The same for snakes and snails,

I’ve never fancied their escargot

Nor frogs, nor cow’s entrails.’

 

His wife was sent to collect the stock

As the ark grew long and tall,

She even smuggled some rabbits on

Though Tree said, ‘None at all!’

He went outside and he scanned the skies

And looked for the God of old,

Who’d flood and blast the blasphemies

Of those who wouldn’t be told.

 

‘Just send her down,’ said the Vicar Tree,

‘You’ve done it once before,

This world is full of a sinning breed,

So now you can even the score.’

The rain began on the seventh day

As a gentle April shower,

But then was born a thunderous storm

That flooded down by the hour.

 

The little old church of Bromley Birch

Lies hidden, down in a dip,

And water poured from the higher ground

Flooded the old church crypt,

Tree climbed aboard with his dutiful wife

Said, ‘Let the heavens flow!’

And watched as the waters flooded in,

Floating them down below.

 

The waters rose at a deadly pace

And he thought the world was drowned,

The carpenter went the other way,

And climbed to higher ground,

It took just over an hour to fill

The church, from roof to floor,

But Tree was drowned by the time he found

He’d forgotten to widen the door.

 

David Lewis Paget

Reviews

[Tate Morgan]

I never will understnad the attraction of fear that scares parishoners to death,. I myself will never beluieve in a god that has jealousy anger spite . If he cant be a nice guy Well then he can haunt the others and leave me be. Ill create my own if I have to before I will believe the old testament resides anywhere in fact. A great tale like the one of th3e whale this reminded me of Ahab .

[JM Russell]

I love the ending.

[David Scott]

I love your religious poems most of all. You have a way of pointing out how rediculous people are in a story that speaks truth like a biblical parable.
Well done!

[A Soap Mess Stories]

Another excellent story....

[Valentine]

Very funny..it sound like something a goofy man would do..you never can outsmart God..Nice one David..had me laughing out lous..Kathie

[Clayton Bardwell]

Ooops.

[Dennis A. Clark]

And he thought: ‘That would be nice!’

I laughed. Nice one.

[Marie]

I'm not a carpenter (though my father was) and I do't see how widening the door fits in.

[Jack...]

Plan ahead, that's what I always say. Very nice amd humorous.

[Becky C Strukamp]

Unique write indeed! I like that it lends ear to Noah's ark. How clever!