Merry Christmas!

‘The neighbours are holding a Christmas fete,’

She said, ‘have asked us to go along,

It’s fancy dress, we can go there late,

I know you’ll say that we don’t belong.’

 

I huddled down in my easy chair

Ignored her then, and turned to my book,

‘I know that you heard me, foul or fair,

And stop putting on that hunted look!’

 

I groaned, ‘We went seven years ago,

A rank disaster, what about Beth?

She came on strong on the Dosey Doe

Couldn’t we try just faking my death?’

 

‘I’m not sitting here this Christmas Eve

With you, we’re going, the party’s huge,

After an hour you can get up and leave.’

‘Okay,’ I said, ‘I’m going as Scrooge!’

 

The wife dressed up as a Fairy Queen

A great big pudden with fairy wings,

I jammed a Topper down on my bean

Then glued on whiskers and scowled at things.

 

The host wore his Father Christmas suit,

His brats dressed up as the seven dwarfs,

While Beth walked round with a plastic flute

In a see through top, to the others gawps.

 

Oliver wore a mistletoe hat

While Jenny was dressed like a bottle of beer,

The punch was spiked and the music flat

So I batted a dwarf right under the ear.

 

The wife waltzed round with a lame Tin Man

While I got drunk at the corner bar,

Then Beth kept coming to brush my hand

And tried to lead me, out to their car.

 

I must admit that I did resist,

She wasn’t as svelte as she used to be,

The wife made signs like slashing her wrists

Each time that she saw her approaching me.

 

Whenever a guest would beam ‘Good Cheer!’

I’d say, ‘Bah humbug!’ - ‘Rot your socks!’

They thought I was kidding, ‘Drink your beer,

I hope it’s poisoned with chicken pox!’

 

At midnight, there was the sound of bells

That tinkled down from the patio roof,

The sort of a sound a Scrooge repels

When sipping on whiskey, forty proof.

 

A man came into the dining room

All dressed in red with a great big sack,

The host was livid: ‘There’s only one,

If that’s your costume then take it back!’

 

The guy had a big white flowing beard

And he Ho-Ho-Ho’d to the surly host,

‘I’ve got the presents for everyone here,

But nothing for Scrooge, or Marley’s ghost!’

 

They all got a present from him but me,

And I thought, ‘Bah, Humbug! Christmas sucks!’

But begging the question, who was he?

If it really was him, I’m out of luck!

 

We’re finally home, and I now believe,

‘Wasn’t it lovely,’ the wife exclaims,

‘I really enjoyed this Christmas Eve.’

But all I can hear are Marley’s chains!

 

David Lewis Paget

Reviews

[Tate Morgan]

Oh man this is rich lol.I can see it taste it feel it. And what more could one ask for than that? As we agree we tend to become pessimistic in the endeavor. Well I for one think grandchildren are the answer to this age old problem. I see the wonder in my own granddaughters eyes. And I do so wish I felt it too. You only need to sit and play with them a bit to feel the magic in their minds. And a Merry Christmas to you as well Scrooge lol

[Katie Lynn]

This certainly gave me a laugh, haha. Great job, yet again!

[Valentine]

Thanks for another great poem and the laugh which i needed..With things as they are here..I am not even thinking of Christmas except for Christ's birth...that I honor every day of the year..Hope you are not a scrooge and have a lovely Christmas..love and God bless..Kathie

[Lena M. P.]

Doesn't pay to be a grumpy butt during this time of good tidings. Go smile, say ho-ho-ho and spread some cheer. Otherwise, coal for you my bucko!

[David Scott]

Ha... Smiling at this one! A festive scene indeed! Your lucky you did not get a lump of coal. :-)
I enjoyed the simple meter of this read. Fun to read and easy to waltz thru.
I just wrote a Christmas poem Bah Humbug. Check it out.