Merry Christmas!

‘The neighbours are holding a Christmas fete,’

She said, ‘have asked us to go along,

It’s fancy dress, we can go there late,

I know you’ll say that we don’t belong.’

 

I huddled down in my easy chair

Ignored her then, and turned to my book,

‘I know that you heard me, foul or fair,

And stop putting on that hunted look!’

 

I groaned, ‘We went seven years ago,

A rank disaster, what about Beth?

She came on strong on the Dosey Doe

Couldn’t we try just faking my death?’

 

‘I’m not sitting here this Christmas Eve

With you, we’re going, the party’s huge,

After an hour you can get up and leave.’

‘Okay,’ I said, ‘I’m going as Scrooge!’

 

The wife dressed up as a Fairy Queen

A great big pudden with fairy wings,

I jammed a Topper down on my bean

Then glued on whiskers and scowled at things.

 

The host wore his Father Christmas suit,

His brats dressed up as the seven dwarfs,

While Beth walked round with a plastic flute

In a see through top, to the others gawps.

 

Oliver wore a mistletoe hat

While Jenny was dressed like a bottle of beer,

The punch was spiked and the music flat

So I batted a dwarf right under the ear.

 

The wife waltzed round with a lame Tin Man

While I got drunk at the corner bar,

Then Beth kept coming to brush my hand

And tried to lead me, out to their car.

 

I must admit that I did resist,

She wasn’t as svelte as she used to be,

The wife made signs like slashing her wrists

Each time that she saw her approaching me.

 

Whenever a guest would beam ‘Good Cheer!’

I’d say, ‘Bah humbug!’ - ‘Rot your socks!’

They thought I was kidding, ‘Drink your beer,

I hope it’s poisoned with chicken pox!’

 

At midnight, there was the sound of bells

That tinkled down from the patio roof,

The sort of a sound a Scrooge repels

When sipping on whiskey, forty proof.

 

A man came into the dining room

All dressed in red with a great big sack,

The host was livid: ‘There’s only one,

If that’s your costume then take it back!’

 

The guy had a big white flowing beard

And he Ho-Ho-Ho’d to the surly host,

‘I’ve got the presents for everyone here,

But nothing for Scrooge, or Marley’s ghost!’

 

They all got a present from him but me,

And I thought, ‘Bah, Humbug! Christmas sucks!’

But begging the question, who was he?

If it really was him, I’m out of luck!

 

We’re finally home, and I now believe,

‘Wasn’t it lovely,’ the wife exclaims,

‘I really enjoyed this Christmas Eve.’

But all I can hear are Marley’s chains!

 

David Lewis Paget

Reviews

[Tate Morgan]

Oh man this is rich lol.I can see it taste it feel it. And what more could one ask for than that? As we agree we tend to become pessimistic in the endeavor. Well I for one think grandchildren are the answer to this age old problem. I see the wonder in my own granddaughters eyes. And I do so wish I felt it too. You only need to sit and play with them a bit to feel the magic in their minds. And a Merry Christmas to you as well Scrooge lol

[Enid Blake]

I almost couldn't bring myself to read a christmas poem in January, but after summoning my inner hardcore I gave it a go!
Bah humbug...but the poem's very enjoyable :)

[Siren]

Quite a good one. I enjoyed it. Festive, but with a good story to tell. Thank you for sharing this with me

[A Soap Mess Stories]

Love the Christmas story. Another great story.

[Writer *78*]

a christmas classic uve really outdone yourself here impressive work.

[Tarry Franck]

Really enjoyed reading this - needed the laughter tonight. Thanks for sharing my friend! :)

[Mark]

Regrettably, Madison Avenue (and whatever the Aussie equivalency is!) have made the celebration of Christ's birth an onerous chore to be endured, rather than the occasion of greatest imaginable joy that it ought to be. Separated from my family, having no kids, few friends and damn little money, I find myself going pretty Ebenezer far more often that I'd care to admit! Another Paget classic!

[Marie]

Well I hope he gets into the spirit next year...after all, Scrooge learned...

[Emerald Seas]

A classic feel with a new twist. I love this - thank you for putting a little chuckle into the holiday!
Merry Christmas!

[Van]

He did get a present - a visit from Marley's ghost! hahaha
a very interesting piece!