The Ambulance that Got Away

When Grandpa suffered a turn, we

Called the ambulance, right away,

They strapped him onto a gurney

So he couldn’t sit up, or sway,

‘We’ll see you up at the hospital,’

We cried, as we waved him well,

The ambulance went with bells and lights

Like a demon bound for hell!

 

Grandma wasn’t at home, we

Had to phone her on the cell,

She couldn’t come back just then, she said

She was having a fainting spell,

So we waited until he was settled in

Then drove in a convoy down,

To the hospital at Ullarook,

Just fifty miles from town.

 

The nurse at the desk said: ‘No-one here

By the name of Alfred Groom,

We only have private patients here,

We bed them, one to a room,

If he hasn’t got private cover, then

You’ll have to look elsewhere,

Maybe the ambulance took him off

To the hospital at Bulnare.’

 

We phoned the hospital at Bulnare:

‘He hasn’t been seen round here,

There was an ambulance, come to think,

But he left with a flea in his ear!

We don’t take patients from out of town

There’s few enough beds for us,

He’s probably over at Gundacoot,

They run their own private bus.’

 

We drove ten miles to Gundacoot,

An ambulance sat in the drive,

We thought, ‘Thank God, he must be here!

Let’s hope that he’s still alive!’

We all raced in through the sliding doors

And crowded around the Nurse:

‘Who? Alfred Groom, in a private room?

Not here!’ We left with a curse!

 

We split up the convoy into two,

I drove to the nearest town,

A middling place called Jerribee

With a hospital, quite run down,

‘The government cut our funding,’

Said the Nurse in the parking bay,

‘We shut down twenty beds last week,

Your Dad isn’t here today.’

 

My son had travelled the other way

To Inkermine on the coast,

The hospital there had a hundred beds

The locals were wont to boast,

‘He’s isn’t here, but the ambulance

Was spotted on leaving town,’

My son had sighed on his endless ride

When he called on the mobile phone.

 

That night when Grandma got her breath

She went to the ambulance place,

She battered him with her umbrella

Knocking his glasses clean off his face:

‘Where did you take him, tell me now

Or I’ll have to call the police!

What? Are your ears painted on!’

‘We took him to Bungaleese!’

 

The only place that would take him was

The Medical Clinic there,

It isn’t even a hospital

And you sit on a leather chair,

When we finally got to Bungaleese

Grandpa could barely talk,

We said, ‘We’ll get you an ambulance!’

‘No thanks,’ he growled, ‘I’ll walk!’

 

David Lewis Paget

Reviews

[Tate Morgan]

HAHAH after hearing the tale you told of your own adventure with health care I can only imagine where this story came from.I wonder how many people are sent running the country to find someone they lost.Here if you tell the ambulance you dont have insurance they send you off to the county instead of the private hospital and thats where people go to die here

[spiritwind]

It's very humorous and frighteningly possible at the same time.

[The Refined Poet]

it takes some skill to be humorous and tell a good story. you have accomplished both. excellent write.

[Marie]

I agree with everyone else that this was funny. But it also says a lot about the inefficiency of the medical system

[Mark]

Ha! chuckled all the way to the end. Thanks my friend, very well done.

[Valentine]

David..this was cleverly told. I was not expecting them to find the old guy alive..Got to chuckle on this one. You must of known I had a bad day with my honey..love and God bless Lyn and you..Kathie

[KeithFowler]

I had to stop midway to make sure I had not wet myself from laughing. I cant wait till I can send for all three of your books, I just wish I could get them published here in the States. Thank you again for a roaring good laugh mate, Keith

[Lena M. P.]

Oh God David you have me in stitches! I knew you'd have lots of fodder for awhile out of this. Good to see they didn't take your humor.