The Ambulance that Got Away

When Grandpa suffered a turn, we

Called the ambulance, right away,

They strapped him onto a gurney

So he couldn’t sit up, or sway,

‘We’ll see you up at the hospital,’

We cried, as we waved him well,

The ambulance went with bells and lights

Like a demon bound for hell!

 

Grandma wasn’t at home, we

Had to phone her on the cell,

She couldn’t come back just then, she said

She was having a fainting spell,

So we waited until he was settled in

Then drove in a convoy down,

To the hospital at Ullarook,

Just fifty miles from town.

 

The nurse at the desk said: ‘No-one here

By the name of Alfred Groom,

We only have private patients here,

We bed them, one to a room,

If he hasn’t got private cover, then

You’ll have to look elsewhere,

Maybe the ambulance took him off

To the hospital at Bulnare.’

 

We phoned the hospital at Bulnare:

‘He hasn’t been seen round here,

There was an ambulance, come to think,

But he left with a flea in his ear!

We don’t take patients from out of town

There’s few enough beds for us,

He’s probably over at Gundacoot,

They run their own private bus.’

 

We drove ten miles to Gundacoot,

An ambulance sat in the drive,

We thought, ‘Thank God, he must be here!

Let’s hope that he’s still alive!’

We all raced in through the sliding doors

And crowded around the Nurse:

‘Who? Alfred Groom, in a private room?

Not here!’ We left with a curse!

 

We split up the convoy into two,

I drove to the nearest town,

A middling place called Jerribee

With a hospital, quite run down,

‘The government cut our funding,’

Said the Nurse in the parking bay,

‘We shut down twenty beds last week,

Your Dad isn’t here today.’

 

My son had travelled the other way

To Inkermine on the coast,

The hospital there had a hundred beds

The locals were wont to boast,

‘He’s isn’t here, but the ambulance

Was spotted on leaving town,’

My son had sighed on his endless ride

When he called on the mobile phone.

 

That night when Grandma got her breath

She went to the ambulance place,

She battered him with her umbrella

Knocking his glasses clean off his face:

‘Where did you take him, tell me now

Or I’ll have to call the police!

What? Are your ears painted on!’

‘We took him to Bungaleese!’

 

The only place that would take him was

The Medical Clinic there,

It isn’t even a hospital

And you sit on a leather chair,

When we finally got to Bungaleese

Grandpa could barely talk,

We said, ‘We’ll get you an ambulance!’

‘No thanks,’ he growled, ‘I’ll walk!’

 

David Lewis Paget

Reviews

[Tate Morgan]

HAHAH after hearing the tale you told of your own adventure with health care I can only imagine where this story came from.I wonder how many people are sent running the country to find someone they lost.Here if you tell the ambulance you dont have insurance they send you off to the county instead of the private hospital and thats where people go to die here

[David Scott]

Ha. Too funny. Sad to know that health care is not as "available" as governments would have their populace believe. Sometimes it best to take matters in your own hands for sure.

[Enid Blake]

This is really funny, and yet quite scary lol :)

[minisla]

Found this really funny cheered me up thanks again David

[eatmills]

Hahaha. I`ll have to share this one with some of my Medical Transport friends.

[Rob Santana]

LOL,We all need insurance! even than you end up waiting 18 hours for a room sharing it with someone who has diarrihea problems,hahaha.

[Mary]

Good read, health care isn't healthy or caring these days.

[Kimberly "Melody" Carne..]

I'm with him on that thought! With my own health problems and no insurance I can relate to this far too well! I just loved this as I do all your wonderful work!

[Lisa Ring]

Exactly why I stopped going to the doctor! I have found that reading your work is often the highlight of my day. Through your words I travel, laugh, and imagine. Thank you for sharing your wit and keen understanding of humanity.