Glorified Killer or Hero? Reborn, prt.1

 

Introduction:

We all know vampires aren't real. They don't exist, and never will, BUT they did. The government covered it up so people would never again fear the night. I will tell you this tale of this legend, and his gory filled nights.

The legend glanced out side to see it was nightfall previously prepared. He stared into his reflection of his glass door. He was tall, and was well built with deep blue eyes. He wasn't looking at his appearance though, he was looking deeper.

“Do I really need to do this!? This is incredible irresponsibility! I'm going to get slaughtered, this may be my last night.”He doubted.

He sighed as he walked through his door anyway. The cold air sent chills all through his spine as he stepped down from his doorsteps. The young legend slowly walked down his doorsteps, peering into the fogy night.

A small group of vampires stepped from the shadows. Their crimson tipped fans hung out of their lower lips as they walked towards the young legend. They hissed loudly as they were glaring intensely at the legend.

The young legend grabbed his blades tightly in his hands. His eyes darted to all the vampires frantically. He closed his eyes, and took a deep breath while the vampires' footsteps got closer. A vampire leaped on the legend.

The vampire went to claw the legend’s face, but the vampire's claw clashed with the legend's blade slicing off the vampire's right claws. The legend stabbed the stunned vampire's throat, and kicked him off.

He leaped back onto his feet, and saw all the vampires in awe. The legend pounced on the nearest vampire, and sliced it's neck. Still perched on the vampire's bloody body he kicked the vampire who was running towards him. The Legend stood, and jumped onto the vampire's throat which he had just kicked.

Two vampires stood alone after watching the other three vampires be slayed. One ran as the other leaped towards the legend. The legend ducked knowing the vampire would fall into the broken glass behind him. The legend looked to see the vampire quickly turn the corner quickly.

In a hurry, the young legend began running after him. The vampire was only one block ahead of the legend. The legend kept running trying catching up to the vampire. The vampire didn't see the young pedestrian that just stepping outside of the theater.

The vampire crashed into him.

“Hey buddy, watch were you're going!” the pedestrian shouted, outraged

“It's after me! It's... it's.... it's!” The vampire stuttered, frightfully.

The legend was now behind the vampire. The legend grabbed the vampire by the head, and smashed his head into the concrete knocking the vampire out. The legend stepped on the vampire's throat killing it. Dawn came, ending the young legend's first patrol.

“He just killed a man! Help! Help! There's a murder!” the young pedestrian shouted, frantically

A police man came running out of the theater. The young pedestrian's eyes were in his palm, and keeled on his knees. He looked up to see the young legend, and the vampire disappeared. The young pedestrian looked down, and saw a card.

“A card? It says my name's S a l v a t o r e.” The young pedestrian read underneath his breath

“Jesus kid, it's not funny to lie about that kind of stuff.” the police man commanded, panting

“I have proof! The man left a card. It says, my name's S a l v a t o r e.” the young pedestrian read

“Salvatore, the Italian word for savior.” the police man said underneath his breath

“What did you say?” The young pedestrian asked

“I said, get back inside. These streets aren't safe for a young man such as yourself.” The police man answered.

Reviews

[Tabitha t]

I am left wanting more of a background story. How did he get to this point? What is a legend? I agree about the cop not knowing it meant savior. Background on that as well. I still hold onto my opinion that you need more information. More small details. You are mostly telling instead of showing.
"Dawn came, ending the young Legend's first patrol." What did he see as the sun came up? I know sun is coming up because you said so but I cant see it clearly in my mind.
"The legend looked to see the vampire quickly turn the corner quickly" take out one of the quicklys.
"The vampire went to claw the legend’s face, but the vampire's claw clashed with the legend's blade slicing off the vampire's right claws." I think that you could take out one of the Ledgens in this sentence and replace with just a him.
Overall I think you have a good thing going and with a bit of revision and detail adding this could be a very good novel

[David the writer]

Okay, I'll add background which I was planning later on in the series, but when the "cop" meets Salvatore.

[Tabitha t]

You have a lot of talent for someone who is so young. If you work on the technical points of writing and take a few classes and keep writing you could be great kid. Kudos

[David the writer]

I will! This is actually supposed to be a comic book, and I want to see if DC Comics would like it

[Tabitha t]

With some work I see this becoming very publishable. You can learn to write but without talen no one could get very far. You have a lot of talent! Check out my competed novel the blood stone which is very close to publication if you want to see wha I meant about details and things. Great job though and I am looing forward to reading more.

[David the writer]

Grrrrrrrrrreat! ! ! !

[Timeless-Chan]

the flow is really good in the beginning. I'm a alittle iffy on the police knowing that salvatore means savor in italian... no normal cop would know that unless they were like a professor at one point... you might want to explain a little into how he knows it. you also don't need a comma between 'legend' and 'and' in the sentence: "He looked up to see the young legend, and the vampire disappeared." also it would flow better if you added a 'had' after 'vampire' in that sentence. :) other then that great start to the rebirth of Salvy;) Keep it up!
~Dreamer!

[David the writer]

Thanx, srry I'm still trying to find ur book

[Timeless-Chan]

its called tales of grimm but you don't have to read it if you don't want. I just like the different oppinions:)

[David the writer]

Don't worry, i'll keep my word

[Timeless-Chan]

yay:D your amazing!

[David the writer]

Thanx, I try my best lol. You're awesome too