The Peculiar Case Of Nathaniel Fry

One man's experiments with canine adrenal extract have unexpected side effects. Taken from the forthcoming collection The Peculiar Case Of Nathaniel Fry (and other stories).

.1.

SCHIZOPHRENIA. NOT JUST schizophrenia, actually. Mental illness and cancer in all their varied and malignant forms. Plus heart disease, lung disease, kidney and liver dysfunction, ulcerative colitis, arthritis, diverticulitis, haemorrhoids, the common cold.

   And chilblains. I mustn’t forget chilblains.

   Anyway: all of the above and hopefully many more human ailments gone in a single dose of an extract derived from canine adrenal glands administered via syringe to the upper thigh. That’s the theory, anyway.

   But, of course, they all think I’m mad: my fellow scientists, the researchers, the lab assistants. I can tell by the way they refuse to meet my eye in the lift in the morning and stare fixedly at their lentil soups and ham and coleslaw baps in the canteen at lunchtimes. Even Miranda, my dear, beloved Miranda, looked relieved to be heading out of the door on her business trip to Cannes. She’ll change her tune " they’ll all change their tunes " when she sees me brimming with health upon her return.

   Note: I am not suffering from all of the above-listed illnesses and conditions. But I have got the sniffles and a bit of a tickly throat.

 .2.

I ASKED FATHER what he thought of my findings regarding human health and canine adrenal gland extract. He hasn’t replied. Hardly surprising. He was a carpenter by trade so probably would have very little to say on the subject. Plus, of course, he’s dead. Interesting to note that I’ve lived almost my entire adult life firmly believing that there is no God and no afterlife but now that I’m potentially risking my life I’ve started praying and talking to my dead parents. Well, parent. Of the two of them, Father would be the one who would have listened. Mother … well. She’d just be chucking vast amounts of booze down her throat and threatening to run off with other men. No wonder Father hanged himself.

   Actually, there’s no potentially about it. I’m about to inject myself with canine adrenal extract. I am risking my life.

   Onwards.

 .3.

A MOMENTOUS DAY. Is that the right word to use? Is sticking a syringe full of canine adrenal extract into one’s upper leg momentous, or just plain bloody stupid?

   Side effects? So far, none.  I did, however, experience a singular sense of detachment, as if watching the proceedings from outside of myself. Peculiar but not necessarily unpleasant. Not wildly amusing, either, as the injection hurt like buggery.  That’s just a figure of speech, I hasten to add. I have no idea what buggery feels like.

   I didn’t sleep much. Probably down to being totally wired by the excitement. Or because I have canine adrenal extract coursing through my veins. I suspect the latter.

   Felt an uncontrollable urge to go for a run in the park.

   But, like I say, apart from that, no side effects.  

 .4.

WENT FOR ANOTHER run in the park. Got distracted and chased some pigeons then ran home. I was panting like hell when I got back. Realised I was ravenous when I got in and started shouting out for my breakfast. Don’t know what I was thinking " no one was going to bring me breakfast as Miranda isn’t at home and, even if she was, I doubt she’d respond to me barking at her to be fed. And I don’t mean barking in the literal sense. So I ran into the kitchen, poured some cereal into a bowl and sat at the kitchen table with it. Felt weird sitting at the table but couldn’t work out why. Felt even weirder using a spoon to eat cereal, even though I’ve always eaten cereal with a spoon, as have most of the cereal-eating population. 

   Went for a nap. Couldn’t get comfortable so I dumped my duvet on the floor and slept on that, curled up.

   Still no side effects, though.

 .5.

WENT FOR A RUN in the park. Had a pee up against a tree and a poo in a bush. Much to the consternation of the mums in the playground.

   At 6.30 in the evening, I sat in the hall staring at the door, whining and waiting for Miranda to walk in as she usually does at that time. Then remembered she’s in Cannes so flopped down in the living room.

   No side effects yet.

 .6.

I’VE BEEN CHEWING the furniture and a pair of Miranda’s favourite shoes. That’ll teach her to go away for days on end leaving me here by myself.

   Threw myself at the front door, yelling and shouting at the letterbox when the postman made his delivery.

   No side effects.

 .7.

I’M A BAD, bad boy. Shat on the living room carpet and chewed a book. Miranda won’t be pleased when she gets home as it was a collection of Philip Larkin’s poems, given to her by her father, who is equally as dead as mine. But I’ll be pleased to see her. I feel an urge to lick her face and I have a strong desire for her to tickle me behind the ears. Why is that?

   Her flight will have landed by now but she won’t be back for at least an hour and a half. I’m going to go and wait for her in the hallway.

   Really want to have a run. Perhaps she’ll take me to the park.

   Definitely no side effects.

 .8.

MIRANDA VERY ANGRY. Has been for days. Maybe it’s weeks, now. Have lost track. The look on her face when she found me waiting for her in the hall with my belt in my mouthwas difficult to fathom. She didn’t find it amusing when I followed her round the flat sniffing her arse, either. Also, the chewed furniture, the mauled shoes, the fact that I’ve been sleeping on the bedroom floor instead of in the bed and that I now choose to eat my food from a bowl without a knife and fork. All of this has made Miranda a very grumpy lady indeed. She despairs.

   Me sitting by the front door shouting at her to take me out hasn’t helped either.

   But she must be starting to forgive me. She’s just told me we’re going out this afternoon. I saw her put a big sack and a load of bricks in the back of the car. I asked her where we’re going and I’m very excited.

   She says we’re going down to the river.

Reviews

[marie]

love this story its amusing yet so sad, i hope you can write more works that follow a similar line. it's a little quick paced and blunt, could use some more character development(as we all could never to much of that) try and slow it down and add a little more detail, try and make it a little less blunt and i'm sure it will be a hit in noe time at all :)