Heat

Reading assorted poetry,

sweating

in the train car, riding

backwards

through the dusk,

her stop crackles

overhead.

She stuffs the

sticky

book in her bag,

clumps

down the narrow steps and

stands in the door vestibule,

tree-trunk legs

spread

in a wide stance.

She sways against the

rocking

of the train, her

momentum

preventing a stumble as the

behemoth

jitters

to a halt.

She steps down and

sniffs the air,

looks up at the clouds

knowing

a thunderstorm’s

bearing down

to welcome him home.

Reviews

[Einstein Noodle]

the intrigue is killing me .. what did he do?? what will she do?? she seems a ponderous and strong capable woman .. me thinks he hasn't a chance in hell :) love the style .. very well paced and put me in the train .. i actually hopped a train and rode it for 1000+ miles once and you have captured its motions very well .. the rocking, the jolts and the horrendous vibrations that can put ones gut in the throat .. so nice job .. i also enjoy the ordinariness of the moments .. nice one!
E.

[Ashira Macy]

This took the reader on a journey alongside the character. It had me wrapped up in it from start to finish and you had fantastic descriptions that left me stunned. Very well done!

[Cory Barrett]

I enjoyed the alternative view of an everyday train ride. I really like the intentional one word lines. The choice of the words is really striking. I cannot help but read them by themselves, almost a poem unto itself.

sweating
backwards
overhead
sticky
clumps
spread
rocking
momentum
behemoth
jitters
knowing

Really lovely

[DaughterNature]

Thanks! I always strive for strong, active verbs. I've been inspired a lot by the poet William Carlos Williams (he does a lot of single-verb-alone-on-a-line stuff for emphasis) -- I recommend reading some of his stuff.

[Cory Barrett]

I took your advice, i have read a good deal of William Carlos Williams over the past months. He is now one of my favorite poets, thank you.

[DaughterNature]

^_^
I am SO glad to hear that!

[escherflight]

My computer took me off elsewhere whilst I was in the middle of reading this, but I went to the trouble of retracing my steps to find it again. It has such immediacy that I was there, and wanted to know where I was getting off and why. And the storm?

[DaughterNature]

Thank you so much, I'm glad it made such an impact for you! As for the storm, my husband and I have a thing about thunderstorms, and he was flying home from a business trip that evening, so it was doubly resonant.

[Nusquam Esse]

I agree with woody, a strong image with a plodding pace, I particularly enjoyed the ending. I would recommend adjusting the formatting some, either with something other than the default font, or try putting some indents in here to help the words flow in a unique way?

[DaughterNature]

Thanks! I especially like the idea of indents -- I'll have to play with that and get back to you.

[Nusquam Esse]

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/friedapickle/1316540/ Here is a good example.

[DaughterNature]

Thank you. That poem demonstrates a pretty basic usage of indentation and formatting, but I'll play around and see what unique format I can come up with.

[Woody]

such a mundane thing as riding on a train, beautifully narrated. wonderful ability of putting pictures in the reader's mind.