Ch.1: United Together

        It was a beautiful day, as a human Kat got to her feet. She'd just gotten here after being killed, as she'd been a demoness without any remorse, and had tried to destroy the entire town of Mystic Falls, wanting vengeance for what everyone had done when she'd been a dying human. Damon hated her so much, he'd tormented her on her deathbed. Everyone else had sat around, waiting for her demise, and had wanted to party about it. Except for maybe one blonde vampiress. And Stefan had now killed her twice. But although she'd been a demoness, she was suddenly a human again. She was also descended from Travelers, so she had magic. And from her several hundreds of years knowledge of witches, it wouldn't be hard for her to learn how to magically defend herself. If she needed to. She knew these woods were too bright to be any woods she knew in her world, so there was only one thing she could think of, having spent time in Storybrooke. The Enchanted Forest.

        Klaus had just ended up here, having just killed himself to get rid of The Hollow. He didn't know where he was, but found himself still trying to be in control. He was, once again, losing the battle. Good news was this wasn't a city, where he could end up slaughtering too many people. Bad news was not knowing where he was. If there were dangers here, he needed to know. But he needed to get in control first, which, for him, was difficult without any of his family here to help. And it wasn't like he knew a place here that he could contain himself. 

        After a while of walking, looking for an exit out of the woods, she started to stumble upon some people. Clearly, they hadn't been killed by anything from the fantasy world. She knew what dangers lurked. None of them had the ability to rip into the side of human necks. This was something she would've seen in her world. Usually, she'd think vampire, but as gruesome as the aftermath was, she knew who it had to be. She'd seen something similar to this in 1492, back when she'd come looking to kill her father as a vampire, only to find her entire village slaughtered. This had to be Klaus. If it was, then she knew something was very wrong. She knew, after all, how he'd changed for Hope. If he was killing on a mass scale, then something was wrong with him. She aimed to find him. Despite the past, she'd help him if he needed it, even if he didn't want her help. She knew he couldn't just go around killing on a mass scale, because this was the Evil Queen's world. She'd find out. So would Charming and Snow White, and she knew they were against any killing. They could try sentencing him to death or something. She wanted to avoid that. But it all depended on when she ended up here. She had yet to see any fliers on trees, so her assumption was that she wasn't in that timeframe. She'd studied the book well, so she knew her timeline, even years later. 

        Eventually, she found him, and watched him kill another human. She also noticed his eyes glowing blue. Having been in New Orleans the last time it had tried to set foot in the real world, she knew that he was in trouble, but people were also endangered as long as it was inside of him. The Hollow was trying to control him, she realized. 

        "Klaus?" she called, as she walked around the bodies of what seemed to be peasants, to him. The type of humans Katherine knew were Snow and Charming's type of people. There had to be a village nearby. If she didn't stop him, the Evil Queen would be the least of any of their concerns. They'd have to deal with past Charming and Snow White, and they could be quite a force to reckon with, even as good as they were. They didn't stand for slaughters.

        When he turned around to face her, and gave a growl, she stopped at a safe distance from him. She could tell he was still under its control. Then, before he could blur towards her, she magically pinned him against a tree, as she approached. He tried to fight against her magical hold, but she was strong enough magically, and was able to hold him there. 

        "I'll let you go when you're in control. I may not know everything that's gone on, but I've seen this before. The Hollow's inside of you, trying to take full control of you. I know you're not like this anymore. You've changed for your daughter, just as I've wanted to do the same. When mine was still alive, years ago. You can't do this. Slaughtering a village will put some certain people on your tail. And let's just say the queen here doesn't like competition, and selective others have hatred for killers, and they'd try to sentence you to death if they found out what you did. I need you in control," she told him. "And before you ask, I have magic due to my daughter telling me that I'm descended from Travelers. I'm here, because I just got killed as a demon. Somehow, here, I'm a human again. I've been to Storybrooke in Maine, so I know where we are. I also know someone here that can help you. If you're willing to let someone with Dark magic help you." 

        When he appeared back in control, she magically let him go. 

        "Thank you, Katerina. Now, where are we?" he said. 

        "You're welcome. It's called the Enchanted Forest. Here and Storybrooke, fairytales exist, so we need to be careful not to mess with any timelines. Otherwise, things will get messed up, and things that happened might not happen anymore. Important things. If you're willing to go to someone that practices all kinds of magic, including Dark magic, then Rumplestiltskin is our key to getting that thing out of you."

        "Let's go then," he replied, willing to do anything to get it out of himself, since dying and then ending up here hadn't worked. He wasn't too sure if he believed in fairytales, but he was willing to try.

        "It might be a couple days' of a walk. His castle isn't exactly close to the woods. But I should be able to know when we're on the right track. I could just summon him, but his past self is different from his present self in Storybrooke. And people here don't like to say his name. A lot of people fear him. Kind of like almost everyone fears you," she explained, as she began to walk in a direction, making an assumption. "He wasn't always like that, though. He used to be a human. He wanted magic though, so he could save his son one way or another. Then he lost him, and he spent a lot of time collecting a lot of magic to try and find him again. I don't know if he's found him or not in Storybrooke. Storybrooke exists, because the queen I mentioned cast a Dark curse. She wanted to punish Charming and Snow White, so she made Storybrooke. She thought it was her only way to separate them for the rest of their lives. The last time I was there, the curse still remained. Everyone has false memories and lives there. But she didn't bring everyone there. Some people were left behind."

        "Thank you for the information, Katerina, but when The Hollow is out of me, how do you suppose we get out of here? I'm not living an eternity in fairytale land," he wanted to know. 

        "Our safest option will be to find Captain Hook. There's a good chance he'll have a magic bean. Those things make portals. We just have to think about where we want to go, and it'll hopefully take us there. Magic beans can become a little tricky. And I know exactly how to get him to help us. The one thing that we're both accustom to wanting for the past several centuries. Vengeance. He wants to find a way to kill Rumple. I promise him Storybrooke, and he'll gladly help us get out of here. A magic bean will only take you to one place though, so we'd have to go to Storybrooke. And that's where we can ask Regina to find a way for us to get home. If there's a chance. There's always been a curse on the town line, so we wouldn't be able to just leave town. But Regina in Storybrooke, I trust. The one here is the Evil Queen. She'd lock us in a dungeon first, before she helped someone that she doesn't know or trust in this world," she explained to him.

        A couple days later, they finally found his castle. They then approached it and, amazingly, he was able to enter without an invitation, so she kind of assumed it was because it wasn't the real world. The world they were both from. Then, knowing his castle somewhat, she found her way with him to a room with a dining table, as well as shelves of magical things. And there, by a counter and shelf of magical objects, she saw the Enchanted Forest version of Rumple. He must've felt that they were there, because he turned around to see them. 

        "What do we have here?" he inquired. 

        "I'm Katherine, and this is Klaus. I need you to help him. There's a spirit of sorts inside of him, trying to control him. If it's allowed to, they'll be a catastrophe of slaughter sprees. I need you to get that thing out of him. I don't care what you do with it afterward," she informed him. 

        "Now, why would I help either of you?" he questioned. 

        "Because I'm willing to pay any price to help him, no matter what. And because we know each other from your future. After Regina used the Dark curse, she made Storybrooke. There, I ended up staying for a little while. I got to know you really well. Your future self would do almost anything to help me out. Please, Rumple," she replied. 

        Since he knew that only he and Regina knew about the curse that existed in this timeline, he knew she had to be telling the truth. 

        "Well, when you say it that way. I'll see what I can do. You'll just owe me a favor in the future," he replied to her. 

        "Deal," Kat replied. 

        Klaus allowed Katerina to speak to him, since she knew more than he did, and apparently knew him pretty well. He could only imagine how well, knowing the vampire version of Katerina. He hadn't exactly been there years ago, nor had he paid much attention to her the first time she'd been human, so it was becoming an experience, getting to know the human version of her now. Plus, he knew he had the habit of making witches, or even other creatures, hate him enough not to help him. And he needed all the help he could get.

        The next day, after he'd recovered after Rumple had done what she'd asked of him, they headed out of the castle. 

        "Where do you expect to find this pirate at, Katerina?" he wanted to know. 

        "A few places come to mind. His ship, so probably a dock. Or a tavern. Depends on which of his timelines we're in," she replied. 

        After a few days of traveling, they saw a place. It had a ship docked at the dock, as well as a tavern. It looked like the perfect place for a pirate to be. Plus, she recognized the symbol and shape of the ship. It looked like it could be his. But then again, she wasn't experienced in ships. Not like she was sure the Originals all were. Well, most of them, anyway. 

        She entered the tavern, Klaus following her, and looked around for the person they needed. That's when she spotted him at a table. He was with a random girl, it seemed, drinking and seeming to have fun. She hated to ruin a pirate's fun, but she didn't want to stay here any longer than she had to. She was hoping she and Klaus could avoid running into Charming and Snow. And maybe the Evil Queen. The quicker they got out, the quicker they could avoid their fairytale past. 

        She approached his table, hands on it, as she leaned in front of the table to look at him, which made him look at her. 

        "You and I have some business to discuss. How'd you like to get out of here, to a world where you can more easily kill yourself a Crocodile?" she replied, giving a smile, knowing all too well what his answer would be. 

        Her question brightened his mood, and he sent the lady away. He was more than willing to do as she had questioned him. He'd waited centuries for this. For someone to finally give him an answer to his long overdue vengeance. 

        "I'm listening, luv. What do you have in mind?" he replied, not caring that she wasn't dressed in this world's clothes. Stranger things had happened before in this world. 

        "If you get Klaus and I out of here with a magic bean, then you can get that vengeance of yours. Last I was in Storybrooke, magic didn't exist, which means you'll easily be able to kill him. We need to get out of this world, back to ours, but we're willing to make a pit stop to Storybrooke for you," she replied. 

        "Sounds like our lucky day, then," he replied. "I have just one magic bean. However, can I trust you?" 

        "Believe me, you can trust the both of us. Once we have a common goal, we can usually work together," she replied. 

        "Then what are we waiting for?" he replied with a smile, before getting up from the table, a bag in hand that held the magic bean. 

        When they were all aboard the Jolly Roger, he pulled out the magic bean. Since she was the one that knew all about Storybrooke, she thought of it and then threw it into the ocean, opening up a portal, and he sailed the ship into it. 

Reviews

[JayG]

You're trying to tell the reader a story, by transcribing yourself at the podium in front of an audience. It’s the most common trap in writing fiction, and effective, because for the author, it works perfectly. But for the reader....

When you read this, you perform as the storyteller. Your voice rings with emotion. Your gestures visually punctuate. Your facial expression and eye movement illustrate the emotion, and, your body language amplifies or moderates it.

So, to work for a reader, they'd have to reproduce all that as-they-read. But...with no notes on HOW to perform, no rehearsal time, and unlike you, no knowledge of the setting, the backstory, or anything but what your words suggest to THEM, based on THEIR life-experience, how can they?

Like the vast majority of hopeful writers, you missed a critical point: Because the storyteller is alone on stage, with no scenery or actors, storytelling is a performance art, where how you present the story matters as much as what you say. The storyteller, after all, is replacing the entire cast of the film version. But on the page you DO have the actors, and the scenery, and, can take the reader into the mind of the protagonist so deeply that it seems that the reader is living the story in real-time.

When we leave school, we know we’re not ready to write a screenplay or work as a journalist. Shouldn’t we apply that to the profession of Commercial Fiction Writing, as well? They do, after all, offer degree programs in it. And who would take that course if the skills taught were optional?

But, the pros make it seem so effortless, and our own writing always works for us, so...

Look at the story opening, not as the all-knowing author, but as a reader must:

• It was a beautiful day, as a human Kat got to her feet.

1. The most reviled novel opening in the history of fiction begins, “It was a dark and story night.” Would your story change in the smallest way were it overcast? No. So by forcing the reader to read your weather report, you waste time that could be spent being entertained on something irrelevant.
2. I give up. What’s “a human Kat? You know. She knows. But the one you hope to hook with your words? Not a clue. And since you cannot retroactively remove confusion, the reader will turn away right here.

• She'd just gotten here after being killed, as she'd been a demoness without any remorse, and had tried to destroy the entire town of Mystic Falls, wanting vengeance for what everyone had done when she'd been a dying human.

1. Gotten...here? Where’s here? Killed? How? You’ve let your pre-knowledge of the backstory, the setting, and more, blind you to the fact that the reader doesn’t yet know the three things that provide necessary context: Where and when are we? What’s going on? Whose skin do we wear? Without that we have only words in a row, meaning uncertain. And that is a certain way to lose a reader.
2. She HAD BEEN a demoness but is now a “human Kat” What in the pluperfect hells can that mean to the reader who just arrived? And why do they care? This is data, not story.
3. What’s a demoness in terms of THIS story? And why should they have or not have remorse? And, over what? You’re info-dumping information that the reader has not been made to want.

See how different what the reader gets is from what you intended them to get? But, because you have full context you see no problems. And THAT’S what you need to work on.

Using the report writing skills we’re given in school all we can write is reports...or, fiction that reads like one. You need to acquire the skills that writers have been developing and refining for centuries, and apply them to capture the reader’s attention. Remember, they’re volunteers, not conscripts. And for all their lives have been choosing only fiction written with those skills. They don’t see the tools in use, but do enjoy and expect the result of using them.

So, grab a copy of a good book on the basics of adding wings to your words, like Jack Bickham’s, Scene and Structure, and dig in.

https://archive.org/details/scenestructurejackbickham

I think he will amaze you with things that seem so obvious once pointed out.

So...I know this was far from what you hoped to hear. But since the problems are invisible till pointed out, and you’ll not address the problem you don’t see as being one, I thought you might want to know.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

“In sum, if you want to improve your chances of publication, keep your story visible on stage and yourself mum.”
~ Sol Stein

[Datherine100]

Thank you for this review, but I write fanfics as though people have already seen the entire Vampire Diaries show. If you read the summary of every story, then you should know which to read and not read, if you haven't seen the entire show. Each fanfic is normally set in a certain season. I appreciate the review, though!

[JayG]

• but I write fanfics as though people have already seen the entire Vampire Diaries show.

You missed the point, entirely. They have been refining the skills of fiction for centuries. Writing fanfic doesn't excuse you from learning and using the skills of fiction. Why? Because your reader has been choosing work created with those skills, exclusively, since they learned to read. And they expect your writing to have been created with them. Skip that and the reader will turn away in a paragraph.

So instead of seeking a place where people will like fiction written with schoolday writing skills, try that book I suggested and learn how the pros do it.

Your stories deserve something better than what report-writing skills can provide.