The Space in Between

A Story by DatSparklez

Follow Jessie through her experience with death, guilt, and her living boyfriend.

I witnessed the whole thing, but I didn’t do anything. No, it’s not that I didn’t do anything, it’s that I couldn’t. The dead aren’t supposed to interact with the living. So why was I feeling this harsh guilt? I did want to save Collin because the whole death process was horrifying, at least for me. It wasn’t something I wanted someone I love to go through, but I couldn’t even say that I tried. I just sat there. For a while, I hated myself. I knew that dead people felt grief, but I never would have known that I would feel like a murderer.

“Jessie, I would do anything to be with you. I would die for you if I had to.” Those words that Collin whispered to me when we were walking home from school, just months ago, sounded so cliché. We talked about his kitten and the universe. His sweet hazel eyes matched his bright smile after telling me a story. Nothing was out of the ordinary in our conversation that day until he randomly said that he would die for me. I just thought it was one of those corny things that you say but don't really mean when you’re in a relationship, but he was serious. He tried to kill himself to be with me. He was dying for me. Watching him lay in a hospital bed for days was heart wrenching. I saw his mother and three sisters sobbing to the side of him. They begged for him to wake up, but I felt that Collin wasn’t going to ever regain consciousness. I’m so sorry! I would attempt to scream, but of course, no words came out. My heart ached as I felt his soul leaving his body. It was like someone leaving his warm home to a cold new place.

The horrid image of Collin taking down several sleeping pills replayed in my mind, as well as memories from the time I was with Collin. When you’re dead, you remember everything about your life, whether it’s good or bad. It’s almost as if you’re still living, except for the fact that no one alive can see you. I took advantage of this… especially after Collin died. While the doctors would try to make Collin seem as alive as possible, I would sit on the wooden floor of the Johnson’s huge house and listen to his mother and three sisters for as long as I could handle it.

“I bet this had to do with that girl!” Ms. Johnson bawled.

“Mom, that’s a bit inconsiderate of you… Collin wanted to spend the rest of his life with Jessie. He loved her. I know it sucks that he might be gone, but maybe he’ll be in a better place with the love of his life,” Collin’s eldest sister pointed out and put a reassuring arm around her mother.

“You don’t love someone at the age of sixteen! He should have thought about the time he would spend with his family, not a girl from high school! She didn’t even know what she wanted to do with her life before she got into that mess,” Collin’s mom argued. I knew I deserved her argument. I was a murderer. I did have plans with Collin because I loved… No, I love him so much, but I didn’t want him to die for me.

My body was filled with a certain kind of guilt. It's different when you're dead, because you can feel the emotions, but then there's this awkward feeling that they're not really there. The harsh words of his mother made it worse. I didn't mean to die.