A Day in the Death of .......

One of a series of comedy stories involving the same characters. God pieces.

          A Day In The Death Of . . . . . . . . .

 

 

          Death shot out of bed then grabbed at the bedpost as the room began to swim. “ What now, for God`s sake.”

          God frowned. “ I have warned you about that before.”

          “ Sorry, sir.” Death mumbled, his face turning green. “What`s the matter?”

          “What is the matter?” God repeated, his voice booming around the cavern. “ What is the matter? You are what is the matter. What are you doing in bed?”

          Death flinched. “Eeeerrrrr; would you mind keeping your voice down a bit ………eeerrrrr ………got a bit of a headache.”

          “You have what?” God yelled, his voice rising ten decibels.

          Death groaned and sank down onto the bed. “Ugh! Out last night on the pi……. Celebrating the kid`s birthday, sir. Well, it is Christmas.”

          “ How on earth ……..You should have been on Earth doing your job, not joining in with the natives. No wonder that your quota is down again this month, if you spend all your time in bed. Get out of here, now.” God turned and walked out of the cavern, muttering under his breath. “They just do not understand about administration.” He dematerialized then, changing his mind, appeared near the bed again. “ I will be back in ten minutes, to check on you.” He yelled, then disappeared.

          Death shuddered and gazed longingly at his pillows. He knew that it was not an idle threat, so he would have to go. He climbed into his robe and gathered his hourglass, scythe, gurgling stomach and fuzzy head together and wandered out of the cavern; taking care not to bang his scythe against the walls.

 

 

          There were rules to the job. He was supposed to collect souls and dispatch them to Gabriel and his cronies. He hated Gabriel. According to the rules, he must wait until the moment of death before moving in, he could not actually kill anybody or anything.  God would be very annoyed if He even suspected that Death murdered anything. Death was very discrete……..and very helpful.

 

 

          Death dispatched six rabbits, three voles and a fox in quick succession, then, got his eye on a pair of cats mating. They were both young and healthy but, just for spite, he zapped the queen and went off to look for larger game. (It was three minutes before the tom noticed that anything was wrong.)

 

 

          Death found Mike sitting at the breakfast table in his shirt-sleeves. “Perfect.” He chortled, rubbing his hands together. “Mid fifties, obese, stuffing his face with lovely, greasy, bacon and eggs. Oh, there is even a f*g burning in the ashtray; and a can of beer. “Beer at 7 30 in the morning?”

          Mike clutched at his chest and groaned. “Oh, my God.”

          “Don`t say that.” Death hissed, his head swivelling around. “If he hears you we will both be in bother.”

          Mike looked up and saw the dark, robed, figure. “Don`t just stand there, you fool, get me a doctor. Aaaaaaaagh ……..” he screamed.

          “Oh, my head.” Death groaned, putting his hands over his ears. “You don`t have to shout like that.”

          “Can`t stand pain……….Aaaaaaaaaagh……..”

          “Pain, pain, it is all in the mind. Don`t be so bloody spiteful, it will only last a couple of minutes.” Death stamped his foot and put his hands on top of his head. “My head, oh, it is going to come off. You are a selfish sod, stop it, my head is exploding.”

          For a few seconds there was silence. Then, Mike slumped over, onto the floor, gasping.  Death grinned.

          Mike gathered all of his willpower and strength together and screamed.

          Death decided that it was not worth the extra points he could claim for a human soul and shot out of the building, clutching his head again.

          Mike recovered sufficiently to use the phone, then lay on the floor, exhausted, until help arrived. He later thought that he had imagined the robed figure. “Must have been the pain.” He told his wife.

 

 

          Death decimated the rat population of a ghetto in down town New York, hit five zebras and a giraffe near Johannesburg, then popped along to help five hundred lemmings over a cliff. He thought that it was now time for a nap. He could only have an hour because, if the flood dried up, Peter would send his mate to do a spot check. Gabriel was a b***h about other people`s work schedules.

          When Death woke up he felt a little better, well enough to have another go at a human. But, this time, he would go for an easier target.

 

 

The little girl`s face had become flushed as her temperature soared. Her tiny fingers plucked at the sheet, as she lay in the oxygen tent, struggling for breath. Her parents watched, her mother sobbing quietly, as the doctor spoke to them. “ She is reaching the crisis point now. We are pushing massive doses of antibiotics into her, but the pneumonia has a strong hold. We should know one way or the other tonight.”

                   Death nodded his head. “And some ………just give me five minutes, pal.” He stood at the head of the bed and gazed down at the child`s face. She opened her eyes and looked up at him. “Hi, kid. How about you and me going for a little toddle up those stairs, eh?” He pointed at a staircase that had appeared in the wall of the hospital room, next to a painting of a blue dragon.

                   Her eyes were glazed but, with an effort, she brought them into focus and grinned. “Who is the funny man, Daddy?”

          “Funny, indeed.” Death snorted, leaning forward.  “Come-on, you.”

          Suddenly, time stopped, as the child grabbed Death`s hourglass and began to tip it backwards and forwards.  The room slipped sideways and Death stumbled; nearly taking off the doctor`s head with his scythe. The room was frozen in time. The doctor stood, immobile, with his clip board in his hand. The nurse had one leg raised in the air as she attempted to take a step forward. The father was halfway out of his chair and the mother sat, with her mouth open, reaching out to her child.

          Death scrambled to his feet. “Give me that, you little brat.”

          The child giggled and turned the hourglass. The room slipped again and Death tottered to the other side of the bed. “Funny man fall down again, Daddy.” She began to laugh, and her voice echoed around the room.

          “Stop it. “ Death snapped.  “You are bringing my headache back again.” This made the child laugh louder, and she tipped the sand again. Death`s head began to ring.

          It was all over in a few moments. The child got bored with her new toy and flung it on the bed. Death snatched at his time-piece and reached out for his victim. But, as soon as he came near, she began to laugh again. “You got no nose.” Her laughter grew louder and louder. With a snort of disgust, Death fled through the wall.

          Time returned to normal and the child`s eyelids began to droop. Her eyes closed and she fell back onto the pillows. Her parents leaned forward anxiously. “It is alright, we have won.” The doctor said, as he held her wrist. “ She is asleep but it is normal sleep. I think that she should be alright now; not out of the woods mind, but the worst is over.”

 

 

          Death was fed up. They were just not co-operating at all. He took his file-o-fax out of his pocket and checked on his score. He frowned. He would never reach his daily quota, and he was already four days behind. God was going to kill him. He laughed at the thought, then regretted it, as his head began to swim. “Why me?” he muttered, stamping on three hens in temper, then he shot off to Australia, to catch a few kangaroos. The fast travelling did not help. “Oh, God, my head.”

          He heard the answer, “Yes?” coming closer and scooted off to a remote part of China to sulk.

          His time on patrol was nearly over. Soon, one of his assistants would be arriving to take over. He was in deep trouble; up to his neck in it. He worked out that there were only about ten minutes to go. Slowly he circled the world before leaving.

          He was just drifting over Central America when he saw them, hundreds of them. He chortled with glee. “War, lovely war.”

          There was no time to be particular, but wars were messy anyway. Luckily, the little girl`s interference had messed up his hourglass, giving him extra time in which to do a good job. Happily, he totted up his points, then he turned back. “ Just enough time for five more to make both sides equal. That will confuse the television reporters, silly sods.”

          Death smiled as he wandered off. “Forget the headache, pal, you are over your quota now. A quick trip home, to spruce up the image; a night on the town then, two days in bed. YES! Thank you G …… S**t, I nearly spoiled it.”

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Floornine]

I love this concept of God themed comedy pieces... taking subjects which people take so seroiusly and lightening them up, very nice.