what have I become

what have I become 

a shadow amongst man 

looking in the mirror 

not knowing what I see 

some say I am a just a man 

but I do not feel human at all 

I feel like a monster or a demon 

living in darkness alone 

is where I have made my home 

people say I have a heart 

yet there is no beat in my chest 

inside I feel hollow 

some say my soul is beautiful 

somehow my soul is dead and gone 

hidden are my scars which have

made the madman I am today 

thoughts of hatred toward my fellow man 

thoughts no mortal human should have 

I feel I am to far gone 

and can not be saved from 

the madness within myself 

Reviews

[barleygirl]

This is exactly how I felt when I was a young adult, after a childhood of abuse. People saw me as gifted & bright, but I felt very barren & wanting on the inside. You nailed that feeling without dramatizing it. You trusted your material by just telling how it feels & not trying to make it all tricky. The weird thing for me is how your tone feels empty & lifeless, even to the end, where your words are powerful & dramatic. But this writing as a whole still has that hollow empty tone which is a good representation of how it feels (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Curtis.Lenker]

thanks for your kind words

[Betty Hermelee]

A very strong poem commenting on martyrdom, self hate, anger, almost too late to reconcile with. It’s not what others say, it’s how one feels about himself. Good write

[Curtis.Lenker]

thank you.

[Lorry]

Speaking as an old, ancient and not so wise one, who connects what you say with himself, i have come to the conclusion that encasing our uniqueness in skull, bone and flesh was when evolution took a step backwards.
Despite sharing the same feelings, even the simplicity of the first five thoughts you had before breakfast makes us all incalcubly unique. Multiply a days thought by the years youve lived and its no wonder we all realise we are living in channel mindfuck.
We see uniqueness as a weakness when we want to fit in, but feel so vanilla flavoured when we do, so with our minds fighting it out over just the one thought of uniqueness or fitting in, we can begin to see that life is nothing more than a continual puzzle we will never quite figure out.
At least thats what i tell myself when eating gummy bears for breakfast.
Thought filled words of one mind in conflict with itself, because of all the other minds that surround it, pretending they are more tuned in than us.
Ps... I think i made incalcubly up, but maybe not. Im not unique enough for that 😀

[......]

eye motes floating
pass through our vision.
a temporary lapse
a short-lived fission.
I wonder to myself:
flaws? or powers.
laws? or flowers.

I forget who I am talking to sometimes. People call that dementia. Especially if you're "old."

Alan Watts - follow through with any thought you have
Conor Oberst - Slipping steadily into madness, now that's the only place to be free

blips in my vision do not override
the world which can cradle
as long as we don't hide


Thank you for sharing, Awesome One.
BECK