Goldmember Wins the Gold

Also found at: http://vintagedarsie.wordpress.com/2012/08/19/goldmember-wins-the-gold/

"Goldmember Wins the Gold!"

WrestleMania night I almost soiled myself. The early Sunday night in April My favorite wrestler, Shaggy “Goldmember” McMoney, cashed in his Royal Rumble victory from January to capture the World Heavyweight Championship from Randy Orton and cashed in his Money in the Bank briefcase from July to win the WWE Championship from CM Punk, after Punk successfully retained his title against John Cena.

The reason why I almost sailed myself because I never thought my favorite wrestler would win the two World titles in the WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment), more-less in the same night. For those who are old school wrestling fans, it's like when Chris Jericho unifying the WCW and WWE World titles in December 2001, or even when Lou Thesz unifying all the territorial titles to the NWA titles in the mid-1900's.

Since then, there's only been one main wrestling promotion and their two World titles aren't really considered as two World titles because the World Heavyweight title was considered as the Intercontinental championship from the 1980's, to the wrestling insiders �" and I considered myself to be a “wrestling insider.”

In July, Shaggy won the WWE Championship Money in the Bank briefcase at the pay-per-view with the same name (not the WWE Championship part, though). I was overjoyed because he was considered as a mid-card guy for several years and journalists like Dave Meltzer and Bryan Alvarez said that he'll never “win the big one” and never main event WrestleMania.

To my surprise, McMoney was booked (placed on the program) to get the main event push. Main event stars like the Big Show, Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler, and Cody Rhodes were having great matches with him. I thought no one could of stopped the increase of stock.

The first Monday night in January, the Minnesota Goldmember lost a match on Raw, which forced him to enter the Royal Rumble match. Twenty-nine other competitors would enter the over-the-top-rope-elimination match. If those who don't know, a Royal Rumble match is a time-interval match where to win the match, you have to out-last the other competitors, and to eliminate the others, you have to throw them over the top rope and have both of their feet touch the floor.

So, yeah, Shaggy was the first one in the match. There were a few other men who were able to do the feat of enter as number one or number two and win. Guys like Shawn Michaels, Mr. McMahon, Rey Mysterio, so-on-and-so-forth. So there is a chance, a slim chance, but a chance nevertheless. After being in the match with twenty-nine legit competitors, Shaggy outlasted everyone after about eighty minutes. I almost cried, true story.

Having a main event match at WrestleMania and having a contract in a briefcase for the WWE Championship, could SGM challenge for the WWE title and if he loses, he'll be able to cash in the contract, and win the title in the end. That's what Meltzer and Alvarez expected. To their surprised, that's not what he did.

At WrestleMania, Shaggy McMoney challenged Randy Orton for the World Heavyweight Championship. As usual for Randy Orton, he put over his challenger in their match, having him smell like roses and a million dollars. Enough so, Orton dropped the Heavyweight title of the World to his Minnesota challenger, tapping out to his “Minnesota Shagg” Boston Crab finisher, in honor of his hero, Chris Jericho.

A filler match between the World Heavyweight Championship change and the WWE title match, my friends who came over to watch WrestleMania were sad that the villain won the World title from Orton and congratulated me for my favorite wrestler winning the big one. We all went to the bathroom during the filler match because it was a throw-away match, a match that we didn't care for, as did the promoter.

The WWE Championship match between champion CM Punk and challenger John Cena was an barn-burner, a slobber-knocker indeed. A match where no one expected from John Cena, who isn't known for his wrestling skills. They must of wrestled around the same length of match that the Orton/McMony match did, about a thirty-five/forty minute match.

After finishing the match, Punk was celebrating his victory when Cena blind-sided him with a steel chair, knocking him to the mat below, “knocking him out” with a chair shot, and slapping on his submission maneuver.

Moments after locking in the submission maneuver we hear a theme song that I never thought I'll never imagined, my favorite Minnesotan sports-entertainer's theme song, Shaggy McMoney's!

McMoney ran down to the ring with a referee right behind and jumped into the ring, smiled at Cena, and stood in the corner. Cena released the hold, smiled back, walked over and shook the Minnesotans hand, and left. Shaggy gave the referee his briefcase, nodded, and the ref signaled for the bell to ring, for the second WWE title match to begin.

The match lasted a few minutes, if that. Shaggy let CM Punk up to his feet before he kneed him to the gut, nailed one of his finishers, the DDT, sat up and smiled at the crowd when they flooded him with a sea of boos.

Goldmember McMoney got up to his feet, taunted the fans, and slapped on the Minnesota Shagg. The ref checked CM Punk and he wasn't responsive. The ref grabbed Punk's arm, dropped it once. The ref checked the arm again, dropped it twice. Once more, the match would be over. The ref grabbed Punk's arm for the third time, and dropped like the other two times. The ref called for the bell and the impromptu match was over and we have a new World Heavyweight and WWE Champion!

Everybody at my place looked at me and booed while I had a stunned expression on my face. Did I see what I thought I saw? My favorite wrestler won the two top championship belts on the same night, within ninety minutes.

The night I soiled myself and the night I almost cried. Yup.

Dreams can and do come true,

“the Dirty Dawg” Darsie