Patt and Debbie Go to Shoprite

A Stage Play by L. Krämer

My first attempt at an absurdist play...this was a project for an English class I took my senior year of high school, it's about a couple of soccer moms just doing the daily supermarket run. I don't know if I need to put this or not, but I do not own S

Setting- A warm Saturday afternoon in April. A busy day at Shoprite, well then again, what day isn’t busy there? Especially Saturdays. Seriously.

The scene opens with Patt scanning the parking lot in her dark blue Ford Explorer, adorned with magnetic soccer balls, paw prints and support ribbons for every cause imaginable. She sees that a champagne-colored Lincoln Towncar is pulling out of a spot close to the store, and leaps at the opportunity to usurp its position in the parking lot. During this bold spot snatch, she cuts off a Toyota Prius and nearly runs over an old woman. She doesn’t notice. Or maybe she doesn’t care. Either way, she got the spot and is ready to rock and roll and feed the fam.

Patt grabs a cart and enters the store. She spies the cereal aisle, her first stop. Coming to the Cheerios, she notices that there are more than one variety and compares. From the other end of the aisle, a neighbor, Debbie, sees her and casually waves. Patt has already made eye contact and is forced into a conversation with the other woman.

Patt-Hmm….lower price, or lower calories? Because this one-

Debbie-*cutting her off, holding yet another brand of the same puffed oat cereal* This one’s endorsed by the National Attention Deficit Hyper---oh hey Patt! Anyway, yeah, get this one because two percent of the proceeds’ll go to the National ADHD Foundation!

Patt- Oh. Seems slightly saddened I once had a friend whose son suffered from ADHD. Terrible disease, my heart goes out to them.

Debbie- Well get the one with the ribbon on it and help find a cure for ADHD!

Patt- still rambling, not paying attention to Debbie His parents had a benefit at the Elks club for the boy…we didn’t go, had a soccer game or a band concert or a swim meet or a karate beat-up or a scout function or a church event or a hockey tournament or a family party or a softball game or an Easter Egg hunt or a play or something, I think. Anyway, I did my part; I dropped some coins in that jug the Rand boy was carrying around here last week.

Debbie- Well our church is having a walk for the cure tomorrow. Is yours? We’re very involved with church. We never leave.

Patt- Well so are we!

Debbie- Is your church fighting the fight againt ADHD? Ours is. We’re having a walk-a-thon. And the proceeds are all going to be donated to the ADHD children’s Centre of Southern Ocean County.

Patt- Didja see that new pomegranate juice?

Debbie- confused What the hell is a pomegranate?

Patt- I have no idea, but Oprah likes them and they’re full of antioxidants!

Debbie- still confused What the hell is an antioxidant?

Patt- I don’t know, but you should buy it.

Debbie- Oh look! It’s got a ribbon on the package! So that means that two percent of the proceeds will go to the National ADHD Foundation!

Patt- And it’s full of antioxidants!

Debbie- Oh yes, antioxidants. Those. I read about them in an article in ‘Women’s Day’ last week. They were part of an article about how to lose forty pounds in four days!

Patt- Four days?! Wow! I didn’t read that article, I read the one about how to lose fifty pounds in five and a half days!

Debbie- Well this one was part of a special edition ‘Women’s Day’, the one about how to make the perfect buttercream cake. I made one in the shape of a flower for my Madison’s class party, it was so cute!

Patt- Oh how is Madison? My Madison was the #1 seller in all of Ocean County!

Debbie- #1 seller of what?

Patt- Girl Scout cookies of course! By the way, Sally already committed to nine boxes…what can I put you down for?

Debbie- Gimme ten. And how many of my little Madison’s raffle ticket books will you be buying? They’re for my Madison’s soccer team. Lisa’s buying fourteen and my mother-in-law’s down for sixteen and

Patt- I’ll take twenty!

Patt reaches for a box of cereal, the one without a ribbon proclaiming its donation to the national ADHD Foundation

Debbie- Ohhh……so you don’t support the cause. Gotcha.

Patt- Support what cause?

Debbie- The Crusade to stomp out Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder within our lifetime! Didn’t I tell you before?! Buy the one with the ribbon, the proceeds will go to helping children who suffer from this debilitating condition!

Patt- Oh, sorry, I must not have been paying attention. Hey look, it’s Betty Lynn!

Betty Lynn is some feet away down the aisle

Betty Lynn- Hi Girls!

Patt- Hey Betty Lynn! aside, to Debbie She was the team mom of my Kayden’s hockey team last season…she’s got her poor kids way overscheduled, I feel bad whenever I see their weary little faces coming from either hockey or karate or scouts or band or choir or soccer or youth group or Hebrew school or G&T or something- as Betty Lynn approaches, Patt abruptly stops her gossip and smiles sweetly – Hi Betty Lynn! How’re things?

Betty Lynn- They’re good, I’m here to get some juice for my Madison’s girl scout meeting. holds up POM juice I hear this new pomegranate juice is chock full of antioxidants.

Patt- So did you buy any cookies from my Madison?

Betty Lynn- I already bought cookies from every girl in my Madison’s troop.

Patt- But you didn’t get any from my Madison.

Debbie- Or mine.

Betty Lynn- Put me down for six boxes then.

Debbie- Patt bought ten.

Betty Lynn- Then give me twelve!

Debbie writes down Betty Lynn’s order

Betty Lynn- And how many words did you sponsor my Madison for in the Sandy Hills Elementary School Spell-a-Thon?

Debbie- We’re Pine Harbor people.

Patt- Yes, Pine Harbor. A much older institution with a longer tradition of excellence.

Betty Lynn- Well I beg to differ, the Sandy Hills Elementary school is a much newer facility with hi-tech, state-of-the-art equipment and a curriculum that utilizes up-to-the-minute findings in child psychology.

Debbie- Well of course it’s only natural for you to defend Sandy Hills, what with your child being only the number two seller of Girl Scout cookies and all, the girl’s got to have something.

Betty Lynn- Excuse me, Debbie, but my Madison doesn’t have the time to be selling thousands upon thousands of boxes of cookies between her commitment to soccer and karate and orchestra and dance and choir and drama club and volunteer work and pet sitting and youth group and swimming and softball and hey look! two-beat pause Two percent of the sales profit from this cereal will go to ADHD research!

Patt- I once knew people whose son suffered from ADHD. Terrible disease, really is.