Equilibrium

Oh, oh, oh the truth I see

I impress `cause of wit

I  hear an awe too

but simple fellow is not a fool

Poets were meek

They bothered with strangers

Sorrow was deep , restless their dreams

Fire burnt them a hole

Diseases , drinks, cold loves, it never pays

Tortured souls

I love my girls dirty, I savor the taste

A history is a rabbit hole

And I am a lost turtle

Legends can only Echo

Forgotten in swamps of sorrow among bodies of unknown I go

Reviews

[sunflowerpalette]

"I love my girls dirty, I savor the taste" I kind of wanna know what this particular line means. Truth is, it kind of bothered me.

[Satoshi IroTzu]

Hello you :)
It has been quite awhile.
I hope you are doing well.
I appreciate your time you took to read my poem, as always.

[sunflowerpalette]

Hi there :)
sure
I hope you're doing well too

[kclyaine]

I don't understand it in one bit. I imagined it to be a legendary hero who was forgotten. So he spend the rest of his life wasted, drunk, and broken. Not really sure, if it is right or wrong.

[B]

Its like a king delivering a speech to his lover
Intense and alive

i see alot of passion here

[Sesame]

Hello Satoshi,

So far I think this is your best poem. Yet again, as you might have come to expect from me, some small suggestions:
I hear an awe -> There is a space too many. I find it hard to imagine what is like to here 'an awe' and I doubt whether 'an awe' should be 'awe'. But that is for you to figure out.

never it pays -> it never pays

I love my girls dirty with an a*s -> by 'a*s' do you mean 'donkey' or 'behinds'? If the former than it would not make much sense, but I guess it is possible that you love girls riding donkeys. If it is the latter, than I must argue that essentially all girls have an a*s, so in that case what are you defining by this line?


A history -> this should be 'History' without the 'a'

Echo -> why the CAPITAL LETTER?

Regards, Sesame.

@followsesame on Twitter
www.themagiccave.com

[Satoshi IroTzu]

Hehe . I find your reviews constructive and amusing.
I love a girl with an a*s = that is a street talk: it refers to a girl with a juicy a*s. For example "Oh, man, that girl has an a*s to kill, fo` su`e!"
Never it pays = a little inversion
Echo =a certain echo, the Echo.

Sesame, I use (might even abuse) freedom of expression which defines the art of poetry, in a way.
I express myself the way it fits poem. For example it can be by using slang.

I also find it interesting that you find this to be my best poem.
May I know why, please?

[Sesame]

Of course freedom of expression is your most powerful tool Satoshi, and I would never try to advise against it, I merely give suggestions based on my knowledge of the English language. If and when you consciously choose to deviate to fulfil your artistic urges, is unknown to me. I can not recognize the moments you choose to do so, or where it is simply a small error. So rest assured, there is no need for you to reply to my suggestions, please do or do not something with them as you see fit. If you ever find my reviews annoying, or notice that most of my suggestions are regarding your conscious decisions on deviating from the correct use of the English language than let me know and I will cease to pay attention to them.

Why I liked this one the best so far? The most consistent use of style, better syntax and the feelings that it invokes by the spheric descriptions is consistent throughout the entire poem.

Regards, Sesame.

[Satoshi IroTzu]

I am glad that you enjoyed this poem. Your review displays your good insight.
I agree with you . I do want to write correctly at all times. However, slang is a slang. I am sure that I would be well understood in street talk.

Please, keep your corrections coming.

[Sesame]

Will do Satoshi!

[Bear]

This reminds me of a soliloquy by D'Artagnan in the original Three Musketeers book. It has an abstract feel but in an medieval styling, very cool. Thanks for letting use read it.

[Satoshi IroTzu]

You always make me feel like I am someone who is that good or who is to become one of the best the game have ever had.
How can I not love you, Papa-Bear?