The Untold Story

Two deers are strolling...Just read the poem to find out :)

A pair of deer

A male

And a female

Stroll

Walk

Then run

Unaware of the hidden eye that is watching them

The hunter smiles

The deer prance

Each of them complimenting the beauty of the earth

The hunter waits

His bow is ready

He is tense

The chirping of the birds

The roaring of the lions

Indicate nothing unusual

The hunter is ready

A wiry smile is on his face

The doe is pregnant

The hunter readies himself

TWANG Goes the arrow

The doe lets out an anguished scream

The arrow has found it’s mark

When the hunter arrives on the scene

He cuts the antlers

He knows he will make a few quick bucks

It doesn’t matter if it is illegal

He does it,

He makes money

Nothing matters

Then he sees the male

The male looks up

In it’s eyes are tears

Then panic

It races away

At least one lived

A tale like so many

The untold truth

The untold story

Of the untold crime

Poaching

©2016 Arjun Jhaveri, All Rights Reserved

Reviews

[Michael Iam Bone]

Although I agree with the sentiment that poaching is wrong, there are a few inconsistencies factually with your poem. The first one may not actually be inaccurate, but I'm not sure that deer and lions share the same habitat. I could be wrong, as I live in America, and there could be other parts of the world that do indeed have deer and lions who coexist, from my perspective the lions just seemed out of place to me. The other inconsistency I found I know for certain. Does don't have antlers, only adult males do. Other than that, the overall tone of the poem just seems forced. Since does don't have antlers, a poacher wouldn't shoot the doe, he would shoot the buck, or the buck would run away, as it did in the poem. So the premise already doesn't make sense. On top of that though, the doe was pregnant, which felt forced and was entirely unnecessary to get the point of the poem across. Over all, your skills as a writer in terms of structure are ok, but in terms of executing an idea, at least in this case, was over done. My advice is to not lay your message so thick. I hope this helped, as I am trying to be constructive. Best of luck.