Damned to sin

Damned to sin was my idea, however I would like to think Dr. Rick Puetter, for helping me with the story line and choice of words. ~S. D. Blankenship

I wrote this for you the one I knew,

but now I'm Damned from you too.

And now true love is lost with pain,
Damned am I and she is my bane.

You left me for someone that's new,
Damned am I, my dreams I eschew.

We loved this way every day,
Damned am I, loves most feeble prey! 

You laughed as you ripped out my heart,
Damned am I now that we're apart.

You are impaired most fleshly lust,
Damned am I, my passion now rust. 
 
I loved you and only you alone,
Damned am I and bereft my throne.  

For you alone my heart doth ache,
Damned am I, how my world doth shake. 

I miss her smile, her lips, and eyes so blue,
Damned am I that her love was not so true. 

I have great pain while she is well,
I know I'm damned, my life is Hell.

Author's Note

Reviews

[Tai Chi Italy]

Ah I see a love issue approaching.....the reason you feel like this, is precisely because you feel and that is the key to being human imo. We have to take the rough with the smooth on our journey, sometimes it is hell on earth and then again sometimes it is pure bliss, an emotion I am wiling take the pain to have again and again....Luck in love to you, Tai

[Blade & Blood (The ..]

Aww, this was sad, but pretty clever. Comparing love to sins? Very interesting. ^^ This piece seems to have a small mention of a lot emotions going on here. *sigh* Love sucks. :P

I like the rhyming you've got going here; it's very simple and almost flexible. Great job!

Ironically Yours, Blade and Blood

[Crazy Cat Man]

she loves u dude

[writerofshadows]

i liked it except the horny corny line, it seemed very heartfelt until that one which sounded... well... corny.i think it would be stronger without it. i really liked it and have an appreciation for anyone that can make a good poem with rhymes cuz i couldn't to save my life.

[The Autumn Faerie]

You know, I can definitely relate to this piece, for I am damned as well...
Ah, such is life... Such is life... -.-

Be well, my friend!
You've got to catch a break from this some day!

[youngwriter222]

Nice poem, you did good on it. She must have been really important and then left you, that really sucks.
Nicely done

[Dark Daughters]

Nicely done.

[Jessica Fox]

It always has to do with a girl lol sorry it was a good poem great job with it

[Angela]

Well, I didn't read it before you made the corrections, but let me say that I enjoy the way that the finished piece turned out. The only error that I see is where you say:

For you alone my heart aches,
Damned am I that it brakes.

Brakes should be breaks.

I like this poem very much. it speaks of love, neglect, heartache, and regret. Very good job.

[xX-tito24-Xx]

Well, the spelling and grammar definitely needs work, try going over this a few times and post it on here again.

"This was written for a girl I knew,

but now I'm Damed from her two. " --> "Damed" should be "Damned" and "two" should be "too"



"She gave me lies and kisses,

Damed am I for these wishes." --> Again, "Damed" should be "damned"



"She laughed as she ripped out my hart,

Damned am I now that we're apart." --> "hart" should be "heart"



"For you alone my hart ackes,

Damned am I that it brakes." --> "ackes" should be "aches"


"My pain hurts hers is well,

Damned am I to Hell. " --> Umm, I'm not really sure what you're trying to say, but I think it's probably supposed to be "My pain hurts her as well"

-------------------------------------

The poem, while having interesting content, is wrapped up in spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes, and words that were obviously only put there to achieve the rhyming couplet thing that you have going on there.

Try a more loose and free flowing poem, forget the rhyme scheme and just write what you feel, then go over it, and if you still want to, try and tweak it a bit to achieve that rhyme scheme, as I feel much of the emotion that this poem is meant to broadcast to the reader has been lost.

You are usually one of my favorite writers, Blankenship, which is why I had to give you this review, I want to help. Feel free to rip into my work as much as I just did to yours right now, I'll welcome any constructive criticism that people give me.

Anyway, 'Bye for now, and I look forward to seeing the rewrite of this poem soon :)

[Vlazuvius]

I'm going to skip the grammatical blah blah blah, and just say that I really like the way the "Damned" lines follow....this poem has a really cool rythm.