Take Me Too

I've prayed
I've sung hymns
I've bowed my head and tried to obey
I've followed the secret whispers of my concious
I've even turned from God
And sought answers on the dark side of conflict
Razor blade
Razor blade
Benzo
Wash it down with a glass of Tanquery
But just to spite me
My body convulses
Breathing is feint but heart is still pulsing
Could I please just not survive this one
God I've prayed to you and your son
I've sent you a billion wishes
Could you grant me this one?

You made me for a purpose I can't connect with
Then you put people in my life who at first look like a blessing
But its just a chance for me to fall in love and learn another lesson
I hear so many voices in head
And the only time they quiten down is when I'm screaming

Please don't pretend that you know how to love me
Much better you just use me and get what you want from me
Wait until they make you feel alone
Then seek me out for company
When you need the warmth of a hug
Come and find my arms comforting

If today is the day I find the strength to move that razor Just a little closer to the vein
A sudden intake of breath and I can silence all my pain
And you could just pretend I was never here its the same.

It took me a while but its finally understood
You never said you love me
Just wanted me to do it so you could hold it above me
I don't want to say that you are using me
But I absorb your stress and fear you don't hear mine and that's almost abuse to me
Tie me up with my words until they look like a noose to me
I'm sick and tired of walking across mountains
For people who wouldn't wish me well next to a fountain
Empathy
My greatness weakness
Even for those who pretend to me

But now I am a little more sympathetic for mine
Minds been stretched to its outer limits
And could snap anytime

I can't do this
I..I can't do this
No...I have to do this
For I am less than human
Who even notices what I'm doing?

Sisi
Do you still see?
Do you still care about me?
You will always remain the greatest regret
Only you seem to know how I feel and never doubt me
We haven't laid eyes on each in almost a decade
But yours is a smile I will never forget

But Sisi if heaven takes me
Or I suffer in hell until the demons break me
You will still be the only thought holding me to sanity

One more chance to escape reality
Got enough pills in this room to sleep soon
Can I please just win this time
God you're not doing anyone a favour by keeping me here
Don't need any more meds messing with my mind
They are good at numbing emotions but never chasing the fear
If this razor is all that can love me
I will embrace it until we disappear.

Bongani "DarkTower" Mhlangu.