Pendants.

Page One Draft:

Chapter One:

Page One:

 

Tia stared blankly out the small window of her room.  It was late afternoon, or at least she thought it was. Out the window she saw only the forest. Dark and as expansive as ever. The forest probably had a name, but Tia did not know it. She sighed deeply moved away from the window to lie on her bed. Her room was not unpleasant. The walls were painted a smooth dark purple. On the ceiling was painted a magnificent evening sky complete with crescent moon and stars. Her bed was nice and large with four pillows littered across it. She tucked herself under her blanket and drifted off into a forced sleep.

 

Tia woke up to the sound of the door being unlocked. She rubbed her eyes and sat up.

‘Lunch or dinner?’ she asked the cook.

As usual, the cook said nothing, simply placed the tray of food at the foot of her bed and backed out of the room slowly, her old brown eyes never leaving Tia. Tia sniffed the food and instantly became aware of how hungry she had been. She had no idea how long she’d been sleeping but she was still awfully tired. She picked slowly at her food, the beef was tender and the rice fluffy and fresh, but her appetite had abandoned her once she had cleaned up her bed and sat down to eat. She could not quite remember falling asleep but she soon found herself in a very familiar dream. She was a bird, with bright beautiful coloured feathers. She was flying high, high in the sky, she can feel the coolness of the wind, and the warmth of the sun on her feathers.  Suddenly from nowhere, darkness descends all over and viscous snarling demonic looking vultures swoop down on her and attack her. She woke up. The fear that gripped her dreams still fresh in her mind.  It was cold. She looked out the window and peered into the still darkness of the forest below. She still hazy memories of her first days in the tower. How she had kicked and screamed at the door. How she had cried herself to sleep and woke to fresh tears. That was the beginning. Years ago. How many years she could not remember. Ten, fifteen, maybe even twenty. All the days had started blending together.

 

 

‘Another day of hard work and manual labour,’ said Trillis throwing off his boots and dumping a bag of Lintas Leaf on Zatis lap. ‘Has earned us a well deserved treat.’

‘Only you’ve never done a days hard work or labour,’ laughed Zati sniffing the sweet scent of the leaves.

Reviews

[Paul]

I know reviews here are desired to be constructive and that's exactly how I intend this to be, nd hopefully sound. I think it needs work. One of the first rules of writing is, the first paragraph has to grab the reader and pull him in. I'm sorry to say, that just didn't happen for me here. It got good at the end, when some action came into it. And I do think this has the potential to be a good piece of work; maybe even quite good. But I do think it needs work.

I hope this review is helpful. It certainly wasn't meant as hurtful and I hope you don't take it that way, Dark Tower.

[Samantha Lynn]

so much is happening in this story that I don't even know where to picture myself. Slow down the story a bit? More detailing. It has good potential but no need to rush through the background story. You have a whole book to talk about what happened with this girl so take your time and leave the reader questioning until the end of the book. That will leave them wanting more therefore leaving them to read the whole book itself. :) Great job! I know this is different than your poetry writing so this will take a while to get used to haha :P kepp writing.