Escape Me

My retirement.

Escape Me

 

I thought I could escape who I am

But I was wrong

I thought I was getting better

But the screw ups bigger because it took twice as long

I can feel the weight of my doom on my soul

As I punish myself and others for problems of old

The truth flows in my mind

But is often clouded by my fears

I fear to be rejected

I fear to be neglected

I fear to lose all that I hold dear

I fear to wake up one day and realise that the last twenty years have been a mistake

I fear to love, for I am not human, I am a monstrosity of devil design that leaves nothing but fractured hearts in its wake

I fear to tell you how much you mean to me

I fear that one day I won’t have the strength to keep the demons at bay

I can feel them in my heart

They tug and they pull

They scream for release

Even when I sleep I’m never truly at peace

I try to love

I try to put my faith and trust in another

But alas

The demons they push them away

They taunt me and threaten to take control one day

So I turned cold and kept those I love at bay

I wish not that you could feel it

Because the pain would kill you

I wish only that you could understand why I am the way I am

If you could see into my soul you’d know I’m impossible to love

Rejected and cursed by the man high above

I wander this world impersonating a comedian

The world confuses me

The way people change like chameleons

I place no faith in others, for they will always be there to let me down

I seek not fame

I seek not fortune

I seek not love

I seek not the face that makes girls weep

I seek only the warm embrace of deathly sleep.

Gun in hand,

Will end it one shot

The last of B.C’s poem

Ends after this dot.

 

I really tried, but I can’t, when things seem like they are going so well, and that everything I ever wanted is in my grasp, I’m brought right back down, I just can’t keep trying to climb, there’s nothing left.

 

Bongani Armstrong Mhlangu

Reviews

[J3ssInJupit3r]

I can relate to this poem a lot. I was just recenlty diagnosed with Borderline personality Disorder and the line "I fear to love, for I am not human, I am a monstrosity of devil design that leaves nothing but fractured hearts in its wake" really spoke to me becuase until God brought me to my soul mate, this was how I felt. I was scared all the time. Too scared to even live. I wanted all of it to end. I am really glad I stumbled upon this poem becuase it really puts things into perspective for me after going through the things that I have gone through. I thank you for sharing this poem and I hope you know that you are not alone. Thank you again.

[Chris Shaw]

That darkness is all consuming, and fear distorts everything. Living in fear is a curse. Many will relate to your words, especially young people.

Chris

[Sami Khalil]

Powerful write and emotions. Cuts deep...:).................

[Lydia Shutter]

Profoundly sad words....desperation personified. This is well written. I hope you find a way to bring yourself out of the darkness. Lydi*

[Yellow Butterfly]

What a powerful piece B.C

Don't give up on something that is part of you...writing is your passion

YB

[Coyote Poetry]

I lost two brother's to suicide. Suicide closed all doors. They left children. What do you say to the leftovers of a life who gave up? I tell the people who want to listen. Never know what is around the next corner. Happiness is luck and chance. Won't know the possibility of happiness or joy with a bullet in your head. Thank you for the excellent poem.
Coyote

[Cole Hayley]

I truley hope this is not the last of your work because I have always lvoed reading all of your pieces. This one is no diffrent, its poginant and tragic. A must-read for sure.

[Loner]

BC this is the new sad side of u i see over
here , indeed a master piece .....

[melissa's heart]

Never give up hope, you are not bad, I refuse to let you say that. Have you ever heard the old saying, you are what you choose to be. You are in control of your destiny. Someone who writes as beautifully as you has a good and kind heart, I know remember, for I am your friend. Dear friend, don't let your heart be troubled, God is in control.

[Lisa Ring]

Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end. Free yourself, Bee. Free yourself from fear, expectation, disappointment, pain. You can do it. You are loved. You are a spiritual being having a human experience. Remember that and you will always be strong. Any pain that you feel will pass. Don't make any permanent choices because of that pain. You will miss all the joy and happiness that is meant to be yours.

[Dark Tower]

I've tried. Again and again, the past never stays buried, it haunts me, constantly lurking in the shadows of my mind, sucking the very joy out of each breath I take.

[Lisa Ring]

You can't bury the past. All you can do is accept it. Living for now is the only way to live...no future, no past, just this moment. And in this moment you are alive.