Broken

Waiting at the mall

Sitting alone

Watching the people pass me by

All the usual sort you'd see

The elderly

Mom herding her kids

A group of teens

That cut class early to be here

A girl from the last category catches my eye

She looks like someone I would have known back then

She's got that gothic look to her

Heavy make-up

Wild colored hair

And the My Chemical Romance t-shirt

And suddenly it's 2006 again

I remember wearing the same shirt

Pining over girls just like her

Always was my type

Cool but vulnerable

Self expressive but uncomfortable

Standing with half a cigarette in her hand

Intact but broken in her mind

A voice inside whispers to me

“But that was what drew you in wasn't it?”

“Wasn't interesting unless they were a mess, am I right?”

I flinch at the thought

Of course that wasn't true

Just an interesting coincidence

“Oh don't try and lie to yourself”

“You need them to be broken”

“Need them to lean on you”

“Because then you feel important”

A disgusting accusation

But I can't help but think about it

If there might be any truth to it

Do I have some need to try and fix what's broken?

“Of course you do, let's do the math shall we?”

“Best friend? Broken. Fixed. Re-broken. Mending.

“All in your hands.”

“Best friend before that? Same story, but who knows if he mended.”

“Didn't stick around to see the glue dry did you? Couldn't.

“Overplayed your hand, he called you out.”

“Accused you of playing the messiah in his life.”

“And honestly just throw a dart at any of your past romantic involvements.”

“Broken.”

“Busted.”

“Beaten.”

“Destroyed.”

“But there you are. Every time.”

“The rock they lean on.”

“The lighthouse in the storm.”

“But you're afraid.”

I blink

The words from inside

So biting and edged

I can't believe I'm indulging them

What am I afraid of?

“That if you fix them”

“They'll wake up and realize”

“They don't need you anymore”

“Who needs a rock to lean on when they can stand on their own?”

No, I'm not afraid of that

Why would they leave me?

Just because they don't need to lean on me

Doesn't mean we can't stand beside each other

“But then you'd be worried day and night”

“Will they still love me the same now?”

“Will they still see the same value in me?

“Or will they move on ahead and leave me to obscurity?”

I'm not some sad little parasite

Feeding off people's emotions

Sliding in and leeching while they're down

And hope they can't shake me off

Maybe I have a tendency

To seek out those with damage

But not for my own ends

I don't think it's even intentional

Maybe I'm just inadvertently drawn to them

Or them to me

Maybe that's just what I'm meant to be for people

Or maybe it's all just coincidence

Either way, it's not about me

It's about them

I help keep them afloat

When no one else will

“Maybe you're just broken too.”

“Hoping that putting enough pieces back together”

“Will somehow fix you too”

“How silly is that?”

You don't know me

You're just the seeds of my fear of ending up alone

Growing a tree of lies in my mind

And I wont hear another word

I shove my insecurities back down

And finish my lunch

The girl with the cigarette bounds away with her friends

Taking with her my remembrance of loves almost a decade old

The sudden flood of doubt silenced

I stand up and head the opposite way