Denial

A Poem by DarkSandss

It’s hardly enough that I’ve let these words affect me.

Bright thoughts in my shaken mind conclude confusion
Patiently, I surround myself with this blistering guilt.
I was to blame. I should have offered my open palm for her
Despite my solitary fear of commitment.

But I didn’t.

Spaces between weary days fill the void inside ticking hours
Lonesome minutes leaving me crumpled up inside my sheets
Towering over each time I allowed myself to touch her.
It was such a mistake. I never should’ve survived.

I have such a fear of fragility, weakness eating away at my bones
She reappears more times than I can count, and I’d gladly slip away
If I knew it would somehow bring him back to me for good.

She plagues my mind as I vomit up his name, knowing
That I’m killing myself slowly, just to get away from what I let myself become.

I’m nothing.

I detest our freedom, I’d rather cling tight to her hands
Than float solemnly away in our repetitive recollection.
I’m overly convinced that there is nothing beautiful left
In this mask that I attach to my face to hide my silent remorse.

She claimed me to be a tragedy of errors, brushing away locks of my hair,
Hoping that someday I’d be who he wanted me to be.
I’ve tried to absentmindedly shrug off the uncanny realization that
She never needed me. Not like I needed her.

I need to breathe.

I talk to the walls as I adapt to the fact that he no longer exists here
I scrub vigorously at the stains inside my mind, convinced that
If I can rid myself of her residue, maybe all of these memories will
Come out in the wash.
Time passes. I’m still not here.

Shoving my familiar surroundings into darkness, I lie to myself,
Constantly trying to forget the fact that breathing is pointless
Letting my hands burn in this collateral damage, never wincing
I can’t let her see me cry. I can’t be the weak one.

I’ve never been strong.

Scraped knees lead to scarred arms, and her words have me convinced
That life without hurting is no life at all.
I could be somebody, but I fear that if I convince my lungs to breathe
I’ll collapse in on myself. My fragility is killing me.

I keep losing hope, sighing sadly as it slips from my palms
My soul is in orbit, defied by the gravity in my barely beating heart
I whisper each syllable of his name in time with my faint pulse
And as I catch my breath, I realize that the day will never come when