A Summer's Evening...

This story is about the dark memories of a girl that keep creeping back to taunt her. She's had a hard life, and finally she's happy. She tells us of her now joyous moments...or so we think

I awoke suddenly. My eyelids quickly shot back to reveal two wide green pupils, directed at the cold, white ceiling. My arms moved to support my upper torso as I sat up in the bed. Silence. Everything was still and peaceful. I looked out the window. A vibrant, yellow sun shone through into my bland room. ''Wait, where is he?'', my eyes quickly moved to the space in the bed beside me. I almost didn't notice the slip of neatly folded paper blending into the duvet. My left hand moved to the note and my fingers gently closed around it.''Delilah'', I read, before unfolding the sheet.

 

''My love, you looked so peaceful, I could not bare to wake you. Wait for me this evening, I'll be back. Go to the old swing around six o'clock. Jack <3''

 

  A smile sprawled across my face. I threw off the quilt and jumped out of the bed, laying the note to rest on my pillow. Summer was truly here, and for once in my life, I was truly happy. I made my way to the kitchen, where I made myself a cup of steaming hot coffee, and sat at the top of the kitchen table alone, silently staring out the two glass doors ahead of me. I watched as the colourful flowers swayed gently back and forth in the light breeze, the small birds swooping by them and filling the house with their songs, the tall trees full of vivid green leaves casting a meagre shadow over it all. It was all so beautiful, yet the dark memories from the past still managed to creep into view and destroy the serenity.
   I've had an unhappy life, and lived through unspeakable things... I'd never really been happy. Until that year... until I met Jack. He rescued me from myself, and all I had to repay him for that was my neverending love and gratitude. As the last of the, now cool, coffee slid down my throat, I arose from my seat and went to freshen up. I couldn't wait to wander through the woods in the glow of the summer's evening, make my way to the clearing and find him there, sitting on that swing, waiting... for me.
   I wore a flimsy white dress to my knees, my brown hair tied back loosely. I slipped on my navy blue sneakers and headed out. I went through the glass doors and walked out into the vibrant back garden. I found the gap between the two tall bushes and entered the woods. I walked carefully and slowly through the overpowering trees. The usual dark thoughts tried to make their way into my head, but they were blocked out by rare thoughts full of utter joy, thoughts of Jack. I began to run then. I wanted to see him, there and then, no matter what.
  Suddenly, there was an abscence of trees, and there he was; sitting infront of me. I ran towards him... he hadn't looked up, even though the sound of my feet hitting the ground as I moved seemed to shatter the silence around him. I got to him and wrapped my arms around him, shutting my eyes tightly and smiling as I did so... he didn't move. ''...Jack?'' I said, slowly opening my eyes. I gently ran my hand down his cold cheek. I tilted his head backwards... there was blood, everywhere.
  I froze, forced to stare at his lifeless eyes, the large gash that sprawled across his neck, oozing the last of the blood from the severed artery. My eyes moved down, his lap was full of crimson goo, now the dinner of some fifty insects that would soon be making their way to the dead flesh that hung from the source of all this..death. I finally screamed. 

  ''DELILAH, CALM THE F**K DOWN, STOP WRIGGLING. SOMEONE COME IN HERE AND SEDATE HER''. I suddenly lay still as the sharp pinch of a psych ward doctor's needle pierced through some vein in my left arm. There really was no escape from this foul memory, the replays would never end, in their multiple variations of the same horrific tale. Not now, not ever.

Author's Note

All feedback is GREATLY appreciated, thank you!

Reviews

[Cheshire]

Very interesting story! Several things I noticed. One, quite a few sentences could be brought together to form complex sentences. Sometimes you seem to get in the habit of following sentence after sentence with, "She did this. She did that. She went there." Elaborate! By adding in small details, you can alleviate the jerkiness of the text, allowing it to flow much better. I'll give you a small example so you know what I mean.

"I slipped on my navy blue sneakers and headed out. I went through the glass doors and walked out into the vibrant back garden. I found the gap between the two tall bushes and entered the woods. I walked carefully and slowly through the overpowering trees."

Now you can add detail to those sentences:

"Quickly, I slipped on my navy blue sneakers and headed out the glass doors, walking swiftly out into the vibrant back garden. The trees and flowers seemed to stir in anticipation as well, swaying lightly in a non-existent breeze as if to push me along faster. Ahead, the two tall bushes that marked the entrance to the woods loomed quietly out of the approaching darkness. Passing by them, I trailed my hands over their bristly appendages, drawing strength from their silent protection. After passing into the woods, I slowly and carefully picked my way along a small trail through the woods, its path etched into my mind like a blazing tattoo."

Now you don't have to add all of that, or go nearly as in depth as I did, I merely wanted to show you how the use of imagery can draw you into something. With just a little fluff, you keep your readers attention riveted to your writing.

Also, as I tell a lot of people, do not be afraid to space things out! Split your work into paragraphs, and always start dialogue on new lines when it switches characters.

Lastly, notes and things like that should start a line by themselves to signify their own separate entity.

[DarkRainbowPie]

Thank you very much! I see what you mean about letting it flow more easily, great work on the example paragraph, haha! Yes, you're right about the spacing out of paragraphs and seperating Jack's note to her. I thought I had spaced them out, but I must have forgotten to, will get around to that now. Again, thank you for the very positive feedback, it's greatly appreciated! :D