Bad Choices

First Chapter

Bad Choices

February 27, 2012 came around and I was excited that spring was just around the corner.  But life itself was about to change with the season. In ways I had, until this moment, never imagined.   After 4 years and 8 months as the Network Administrator for a regional financial institution, my job was gone.  Moving all of the services to the “cloud” (despise that word by the way) and you are no longer needed.  No longer needed!?  That didn’t sound right.  Not needed?  How did you expect to GET to the cloud?  By magic and a child’s toy telephone?  Not a moment later I was elated and excited, I might have some time off!?  What?  Time off, don’t tease!  If you have worked in the IT world, then you understand my excitement at NOT having to go to work for a change, or research something, or checking my email constantly or fielding phone calls from users with B.Y.O.D. questions.  Then there is the actual job, no database compacting, no backups, no integrated solution thingamcallits.  It is so rare we have real time off.  Even vacations have the regular intrusion from the office with one inane question or another.  I had this pitiful battle going on in my head.  I had just lost my sole source of income and I have 4 little ones to provide for and support.  A little over two months earlier my wife of 16 years decided she needed to live separately from the 5 of us and moved 400 miles away. There I was, super dad , and I alone taking care of 2 teenage boys, a tween age girl and my baby squirrel, a solid 9 years old and still very much a daddy’s girl.   How many of you had the thought that my career choice and ridiculous dedication to it, was in some way responsible for my spouse’s flight response?  Yeah, I had that same “just got gut punched” feeling too.

Now I was out of a job!  But that “time off” thing kept getting itself wedged in and screaming in my empty, burnt-out head.  I could sleep-in?  Well no, I couldn’t I still had the kiddies. I could go back to sleep after they left for school?  Ever try to get 4 young children ready to go someplace that they despise and would rather drag rusty nails across their eyeballs then go there?  Yeah, it’s a Starbucks quadruple shot espresso with an I.V. needle delivery.  There would be no going back to sleep!  So what to do? I could hang out with my friends now!  When you realize that your friendships are so tied to where you work and that they are no longer a daily part of your life, it actually hurts.  There was none of that either.  I was lost.   No work to do.  No impending doom of a down network due to one ridiculous error or another.  No constant emails or texts saying that email wasn’t working and the Blackberries were just randomly dialing people.  With a definite lack of support, with one special exception. No real grounded friendships.  Well, to be completely fair.  There were a few very dear people that I am extremely fond of and considerably closer to today and have remained bestest friends with despite our lack of office contact.  I can say this; Bless Them!  One or two saved my sanity and I wish to repay it someday.  I needed to figure out what the HELL was I going to do?  I had racked up over 350 hours of leave time and I was going to receive that in 2 payments over the next month.  Cash flow wasn’t going to much of an issue, for the next 30 days at least.   Now what?

 

As with most life altering and dramatic changes, accepting the change was difficult yet not terribly so. Living the change was another story entirely!  I eventually (the very next day) found myself feeling less and less useful, even to my kids.  My tech magical skills were dropping off.  Did I grab the bull by the horns and make my own path thru this minefield?  No, I wallowed in my own self-pity and decided that I wouldn’t do anything constructive.  Bad idea!  That wallow turned into depression and depression turned into a careless, irresponsible and eventually a catastrophic attitude.  I watched every movie on DVD and VHS we had, and that was hundreds of them.  I rented from iTunes so much they had to question whether the rentals were legitimate and not fraud.   I discovered that I had been so dependent on my employer for a working and usable computer that I didn’t actually own a good computer.  So off to a big box retailer and purchased the first computer I have bought for myself in 5 years.  A MacBook Pro 13 inch with  4 GB of ram and a 500 GB hard drive.  I had the tools and the knowledge to build, develop, conjure, design and create a world class Resume’ and find that one job that would bring me out of the darkness and into the light. Hallelujah!  What did I do?  I bought an video adapter and watched movies on my 32 inch LED TV from my brand new ultra powerful $1500 DVD player.  Stupid! 

Why did this effect me so backwards?  I had wished and wished that I could have some time off and do some things with my children that I had dreamed about.  I had a 5 bedroom house, rented, that needed daily cleaning.  Although, that became no concern after a while.  I had time to study and get the certifications the industry pundits said over and over again that I needed if I wanted to succeed in Information Technology.  Didn’t so much as crack a book or watch a webinar.

Was it really that I felt needed when I was employed and had so many demands on my time that I became addicted to it?  The answer was slapping me in the face.  Yes, over and over again.  We complain about it and whine about not having a life, but when it comes down to it, we are addicted to the job.  I was O.C.D. for I.T. and my A.S.S. had lost what had kept me grounded for the last 9 years.  I needed to fix this… FAST!  Problem was is that it was now April 2012 and I had just wasted 34 days and $6k on…nothing! 

Reviews

[ForeverNever]

Hmm..I actually agree with Maidahl, it would be a great monologue piece. Basically because the on again matter and the same point of view. I believe there might be some hidden talent. With some organizaion and a little more...catch...this could perhaps become a good life story. Overall it was okay.

[Dean Kuch®]

Just a little over a year ago, I had a major heart attack after shoveling about fifteen feet of snow from my driveway. Luckily, I survived, but I had to give up my career in the Thermal Spray Industry, a career I had busted my hump on and sacrificed many family functions to excel in and become a leader in the field. Problem is, to continue living, I had to have an ICD device implanted in my chest so, guess what? No more Thermal Spray Industery for me. I could not even be within 2 feet of a unit my doctors informed me, for the powerful current that emanates from such equipment could trigger my defib, sending me to an early grave.
I mention all of this because I have three kids and, thank God, a wife who truly loves me and did not bail when I became disabled. But, I struggled with feelings of being useless; more of a burden than a contributor. I became "Mr. Mom", getting the kids off to school, cleaning house, etc. And I watched literally hundreds of DVDs and videos. I think this is really good writing, and very realistic. I know...I've lived a variation of this same story for awhile now!
Looking forward to more...

[Brittany]

I think you wrote this out well. I was waiting for the life lesson, but maybe that is to come. You have the ability to write. Keep going.

[Bats In The Belfry]

Honest piece. Many can relate to such events.Good luck

[Kaela]

Agreed, theatrically speaking this would be a good piece as a soliliquy. You might have some hidden talent as a playwright.

[Laura Maidah]

It's a long monologue? It works as a performance piece, actually.