Going with the flow

Frustration, that is all.

    As I walk out of the dark building that is my place of employment  I feel nothing more than anger and anguish. "Why do I keep doing this to myself?" I ask myself as I walk through the parking lot. "This isn't even worth it anymore." My steps are more like stomps as I make my way towards my car. The events that unfolded earlier that day replayed in my head over and over again. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got.

    Finally reaching my car I put the key in the lock and jerked. The door made a clicking sound and I furiously opened my car door. I climbed down into my car and slammed the door and I'm pretty sure the entire parking lot could hear it with how hard I slammed the door. I opened the console of my car to retrieve my phone, I'm not allowed to bring my phone with me into work. Checking my messages I saw I had not a single message that was vitally important. I tossed my phone onto the passengers seat next to me and just sat in the drivers side not doing a single thing. 

     The atmosphere was so quiet I could hear my very own heartbeat with little to no effort. The feeling of anger still hadn't  left me. My phone started to vibrate and it only irritated me even more than I already was. Instead of checking to see who it was I ripped the back off and tore the battery out. I didn't  want to deal with anything, I had had enough for one day. 

     The yelling and arguing that had taken place earlier kept ringing in my ears like church bells that would ring every hour on the hour. I sat there wondering why I even bothered to care. I care way too much about everything I do and all it's ever done is tear me apart emotionally. What is it about me that makes me care so damn much? Someone once told me that I was a fool and an idiot for being kind and caring in the world that we live in. It was one of those days where I honestly believed that.

     I sighed and put my key into the ignition of my car. As I started to back out of the parking space another car came speeding through the parking lot and honked at me as it sped by. I clenched my hands as hard as I could on the steering wheel, it was the only thing keeping me from yelling and cursing. I drove along the road with huffing in my breath and thoughts of cursing every driver on the road in my head. Rush hour where I live isn't  pleasent. Not nearly as bad as California rush hour but still not fun to deal with at all.

     I was slowly but surely making progress through rush hour. I honestly don't know why it's called rush hour, no one is rushing to get anywhere. All around me there was the sound of honking and people cursing out their windows because someone cut them off. It took ever fiber in my body to keep me from doing the same. If my patience was a fuse for a bomb at that moment in time it was going to blow no matter which color wire you cut. My fuse was getting shorter and shorter and I thought to myself "I'm  gonna go to prison today, I just know it."

     I was finally approaching my exit to get off of the highway after almost an hour of fighting rush hour. Near the exit is a small river that goes on for miles, not quite sure how many though. Instead of making a right like I usually did to head home, I made a left and headed into the direction of a nearby parking lot. Finding parking was easy since it was quite late in the day and most people were making their way home in rush hour.

     I parked my car and got out, finally able to stretch my legs as they were feeling quite sore from a hard days work and sitting for almost an hour. I walked along of stretch of a concrete trail that would lead me close to the rivers edge. As I walked along the trail I admired the sight of the trees that were just starting to change color. I felt a little bit calm at the sight of those trees. 

     After about twenty minutes of walking along the concrete trail I came as close to the rivers edge that the trail allowed. Steering off of the trail I had to cut through trees and weeds to get as close as I liked to the rivers edge. I could already hear the water rushing by before I even took a single step off of the trail. Getting closer the sound of rushing water got louder and louder. The sounds of the world began to be drowned out by the water rushing by lord knows how fast.

    I sat a few feet away from the rivers edge and threw a few rocks and pebbles into the water. I sat there thinking about what had happened during the work day. I wasn't  nearly as angry as I was when I left but I was still pretty angry about it. I could hear the arguing and yelling of my coworkers clear as a bell once again in my ears. 

    I stood up and approached closer to the waters edge. I took my jacket off and tossed it aside. I wanted so desperately to jump in. I closed my eyes and envisioned the water carrying me away miles down the current. Somewhere other than here was what I wanted at that present moment in time.

     I opened my eyes and thought about what I had pictured in my head. I thought about how selfish the action would have been if I had gone through with it. Would I have ever even survived the trek was another question all on its own. I would have loved to have gone with the flow of the current but that was not the correct choice to make. How would my friends have taken something like that, let alone my own family?

    I retrieved my jacket and made my way back to my car. On the way back I thought about how glad I was that I didn't jump in and get caught in the flow of the river. Would I have survived? Would life have been any better if I did jump in? Who knows? Maybe I would have survived, and maybe life would have been  enter for me. I don't know, and frankly I don't  care that I don't  know.