Chapter 1: Bruno and the Wandering Journer

Talon and Willard enter a musky run down tavern at Silverthorne City and run into some trouble with a small band of ruffians. Talon handles the trouble the only way he knows how!

Talon and Willard arrived in the small town of Silverthorne, just on the outskirts of Valor Forest.  The two had been walking for two nights, and, as Willard was quick to point out the minute they saw small stone buildings from afar, it was high time for a drink and a rest!  Once in the town, Willard led the way to the nearest pub, which was called “The Wandering Journer.”

The pub was crowded with loud ruffians and battle scarred travelers from near and far.  After entering the tavern, Talon and Willard parted ways. Willard searched out the most beautiful girl in the tavern and warmed up his “gallant knight” routine, while Talon went to the bar to enjoy a much needed drink.

Upon placing his order, the marksman  sat in silence doing his best to drown out all the noise within the room. During his intense training to be a sniper, Talon developed impeccably keen hearing, which was invaluable in times of battle.  In times of sitting a bar full of drunks, however, amplified hearing was a severe annoyance.  Try as he might, the blue haired warrior still overheard the mindless babble of the inferior buffoons around him.

“I’m telling you!” A large man sitting at a table behind Talon said to his group, “This country would be nothing if it wasn’t for General Lucian!  He truly is the greatest warrior to have walked the earth!  The man is a real hero…and in times such as these, it’s good to know people like him exist!”

As the bartender placed Talon’s drink in front of him, the archer couldn’t help but snort loudly in objection to the man’s comment. 

“Lucian…A true hero?…Please!” Talon muttered, as he took a drink.  As the wonderfully cold and refreshing brew went down his throat, the mouthy marksman heard the sound of men pushing their chairs back, standing up, and walking towards him.

“Hey there friend,” the large man’s voice, who spoke before, was much closer to Talon.  “I must have misheard you from my table, but it sounded like you disagreed with me when I said General Lucian is a true hero.  I guess the brew here does some crazy things to our senses, because I can’t imagine why anyone would say that, can you?”

Talon chuckled as he put his glass down.  “You didn’t mishear anything.  I found humor in that wonderful and almost poetic piece of fiction that you just said, you know…about Lucian being the most powerful warrior to walk the planet, and about him being a hero and all…really, you should consider becoming a court jester!”

One of the large man’s cronies spoke, as he placed his hand firmly on Talon’s shoulder.  “I don’t know where you come from, but around here, we treat our war heroes with respect!”

Talon quickly glared at the man who put his hand on the archer's shoulder.  The man slowly moved his hand off Talon's body, and tried to give the facade that he wasn't frightened.

“You put that hand on me again,” Talon said coolly, “and you’ll be pulling back a nub.  Now, you mention a war hero worth respecting, and maybe I’ll respect him.”

“You pompous, ungrateful son of a…” another man from Talon’s right grunted in anger.  The tavern, which was so full of merry laughter, ill humor, and out of control drinking, was now silent.  All eyes were on Talon, and the three men that were surrounding him.

“Hold on a second, boys.” The large man said, as he motions his friends to take a step back with his hands.

“But Bruno,” one of the men said, “This guy is…”

“I knew I recognized you from somewhere.” Bruno said to Talon, “You’re that archer that is with the Valor Mercenaries…yeah, I’ve heard about you!  You’re the one that kept flipping sides!  You’re started with Lucian and his team, then you ditched them to join Nazrogoth, and then, when it looked like the Empire was going to lose, you switched sides again!  Sure, that’s all we’ve heard of you, I always wonder if you ever did anything to contribute to Lucian and his army…but now that I see you in flesh, I can tell you’re nothing but a little weasel who was trying to capitalize on a war!”

“Oh yeah, you’re right boss!”  Bruno’s other crony said with a wry smile, “What was this punk’s name…Taylor?  Tassle?  T…”

“It's Talon.” The sly warrior said, as he rose to his feet, “Obviously, you big ugly oafs need a history lesson, because if you were smarter then you look, you’d know that before Lucian was even wielding a sword, I was working for the Valor Mercenaries!  You call Lucian a great war hero, I know him as the spoiled brat he is…He just got lucky, that’s all…he was in the right place at the right time!  But don’t worry; now that I’m not with those wannabe mercenaries…you’ll probably start hearing a lot more about me!  I’ll give you a warrior that’s actually worth talking about!”

“So you’re not with the Valor Mercenaries eh?” Bruno said as he cracked his knuckles.  “That’s great, weasel!  Here’s the thing, I couldn’t have beaten you up if you were one of Lucian’s men…that’s just disrespectful.  But as you’re not one of his companions anymore, there’s nothing wrong with us clobbering you!”

“Don’t waste my time.” Talon said as he started to walk past Bruno, Thing 1, and Thing 2. “I didn’t come here for a fight.”

“Oh but you found one!” Bruno said coldly, “You see, the way I see it is you’re probably pretty good with a bow...and attacking people from far away when they don’t expect it.  Up close, you probably wouldn’t know what to do in combat!  That’s why you run around with that big blue armor wearing giant that you came in with…but as he’s upstairs with some girl right now, so I guess that leaves you as one defenseless little weasel.  You say you don’t respect General Lucian, eh?  Well, we’ll beat some respect into you!”

Bruno threw his fist towards Talon, who quickly ducked.  As the swift sniper lowered his body, he grabbed Bruno's hand and pulled the large man over his head, slamming him onto a table.  Upon impact, the wooden legs gave out and the table broke with Bruno’s body on top of it.  Thing 1 and Thing 2 rushed to their boss’s aid, but Talon quickly grabbed two of the wooden legs, twirled around, and beat them each in the stomach and behind the head, knocking them out.  As Bruno tried to get up, Talon swiftly turned around again, and withdrew a small dagger from his sash and placed it at Bruno’s neck.

“You’re a fool to think I can’t handle myself in close range.” Talon sneered at the beat up giant, “But I wouldn’t expect any better from a lowlife from you.” Talon contemplated killing the man on the spot, but he was distracted by a slow sound of a pair of hands clapping to his left.

The blue haired man slowly turned his head to see an old man sitting on a table nearby, clapping as if Talon just gave an award winning performance.  Talon noticed that his fight with the three ruffians led the majority of the tavern’s customers to clear out, but for some reason, this elderly man stayed.

Do you want to be part of round 2, old timer?” Talon said harshly.

“Oh don’t mind me.” The man replied in a raspy voice, “I was just very impressed with how quickly you took care of those men…of course I would expect nothing less from a sniper like yourself, and one who played such an important role in the fall of Nazrogoth…I was hoping, when you’re done cleaning up the trash over there, you’d be interested in talking with me about a little job I need done.”

Talon stared at the old man, perplexed at what he was saying.  After punching Bruno hard in the face and knocking him out, Talon found himself walking towards the man’s table.  It was obvious this “little job” was something that involved Talon’s particular skill set, but what Talon was really wondering was if it involved himself making money as well.

Reviews

[CLUTZ]

I liked this chapter, it was a bit faster paced and the dialogue was good. There are just a few things that caught my attention.
First:

" Within entering into the tavern, Talon and Willard parted ways."
----" within entering" sounds weird, try " after entering the"
2nd:

" the expert marksman with a bow sat in silence"
-----you don't need to add " the expert marksman with a bow" just " the marksman would be okay" and it still gets your point across.
3rd:

" Talon developed impeccably keen hearing, which was invaluable in times of battle. In times of sitting a bar full of drunks, however, having amplified hearing was a severe annoyance."
----" In times of sitting a bar..." try " in times of battle, however, sometimes it was a severe annoyance..." or " When sitting in a bar full of drunks, however, amplified hearing was a severe annoyance"
4th:

" he grabbed the hand of Bruno and pulled the large man over his head,"
--------try " he grabbed Bruno's hand"
Lastly:

" and withdrew a small dagger from his sash and placed at Bruno’s neck."
------should be " placed it..."

" a slow sound of a pair of hands clapping to his left."
----------try " the sound of clapping..."

These are all just suggestions and my opinion, I hope it helps, and I really enjoyed reading this.

[DarkCrono15]

Thanks for the suggestions! I'll go back and make some or all of the changes, I appreciate it =)

[Brett Zonke]

this is a really good story, ever thought about publishing it? :)

[Graveyard Queen]

This is fairly addicting i can't stop reading it! It is a fantastic story and i love it

[DarkCrono15]

I'm complimented that you find my story addicting! Thanks for reading and I hope you continue to enjoy it! I treasure any comments or feedback you may have!

[Shep]

WOW, I thought you did great job getting him into trouble early on in the story. I laughed when you character named Thing 1 and Thing 2 (taken from Dr. Sues) but still a great idea for characters that are only needed once. Could use a little more detail? Yes all characters need some detail more than they were big or small. Give the same amount attention to nameless characters, but other words spot on.

You will notice I read fast, a bad habit of mine I normal read proximate 300 pages a day 2 to 3 novels a day. To say I have time on my hands is understatement. This seemed short compared to my 5 to 6 pages of mine Lol, you will find I love it when writers post that match for each chapter. It really makes my day. Moving on didn't see any corrections needed.

[DarkCrono15]

I'm impressed with your fast reading! I wish I could read fast, but its not really one of my gifts. Ah well.

I think you'll notice that adding detail is something I need to work on often throughout my writing. I'll do my best to improve, and hopefully it'll get better...but I notice a lot of reviewers say the same thing.

I enjoy a review for each chapter too, and I appreciate this one!

[Shep]

every writer has the same problem when comes to detail. Trust me when I say. I have met writers that added too much detail that takes away from the story. Like adding details to clothing, woman are most comon for that. You can also go to far as giving every object detail. So be careful.

[AnonymousLad]

I've come across your work through your contest 'Get your story out there' and I have to say that this is quickly turning into an exciting fantasy adventure. I think you could have added a bit of banter between Talon and Willard when they first enter the tavern, just to illustrate their friendship a bit more. eg:

As the tavern door swung inwards, a wave of warmth from the hearth swept over the pair - a pleasing contrast to the cold air outside.
"Shall I order you some mead?" Talon asked Willard.
"No, I've got my eye on something even sweeter" he replied, with his eye on a wench sitting by the stairs.
Talon rolled his eyes. "Try and keep your sword sheathed, if you know what I mean, Willard. The last thing I need is to have to drag some angry, cuckolded husband off your back"

Also I think that in places your writing lacks subtlety, with characters just boldly stating everything they are thinking. Apart from that, this is definitely the start of something special. I look forward to reading and reviewing more.

[DarkCrono15]

Noted on both accounts! By the way, your insert example of added conversation between Talon and Willard was very nicely done =)

I am glad you enjoyed the chapter and I hope you enjoy the rest of the story...I'll be sending out parts of the 2nd book in the series very soon. (hopefully starting tomorrow!) I hope to read more reviews from you, I appreciate the feedback!

[David Ransom]

Well you answered one of my questions here!! I'll question why you need to put -- "And yet, in any tavern Talon entered his name was never heard among great war tales...it was always that OTHER Valor Mercenary."
in the previous chapter when you're going to flesh it out here. Don't tip me off to soon! Just a thought.
I'll have to keep reading another day when it's not several hours past bed time. Again good job. I'm curious as to who this girl and strange employer is.

[DarkCrono15]

I hope you're having a great night's sleep right now! To address your concern, in the prologue I wanted readers to understand why Talon is leaving the Valor Mercenaries where as in chapter 1 I want to share an instance of him getting into trouble and what it leads to. You already know Talon gets peeved when his name isn't mentioned in tavern tales, so you can expect him not to take this man's comments well...so, in theory, it should make it more fun to read his reaction knowing he's not going to take it well!

Keep reading my friend and many questions will be answered about the strange employer and the girl...and you may even gain some new questions!

Thanks again, and I look forward to hearing more from you!

[Anina]

This hooked me! I almost felt like I was in a dungeons and dragons game. I really like how smooth your storytelling is, because it was easy and enjoyable to read! I also like your use of humor! Keep goin'!

[DarkCrono15]

Thanks a ton! That's funny that you thought it was a D & D game because I used to love playing those games and I think a lot of the old adventure/fantasy role playing games strongly influenced my style of writing.

I look forward to hearing more of your feedback as the story progresses! Thanks for the review!