Prologue

The day Talon left the Valor Mercenaries marked the beginning of his long and perilous adventure of self discovery. Along with his only friend Willard, the mercenary departs in the middle of the night

Even in the furthest reaches of the mystical region of Tyseria, the most uneducated man could recite the heroic tales of Lord Lucian and the Valor Mercenaries.  The greatest of these tales would recount how in the land's darkest hours, Lucian rose up through trials and hardships and along with his gang of warriors, defeated  the tyrant  Nazrogoth empire and dethroned the evil Emperor Cobalt, leading the war torn region into a time of peace among nations.

Lucian didn't start his crusade against the Nazrogoth Empire as the warlord the tales would eventually tell about.  In fact, Lucian began his journey as a teenager forced into a leadership role as his mother, Vale (as the name suggests, the original leader of the Valor Mercenary Company.) was slain by Lord Cobalt in battle.  Along with the small band of the original Valor Mercenaries, Lucian raised a small but powerful army that would unite nations to battle the great evil.  Most people in the original Valor Company and the small army that joined them learned to respect Lucian's great leadership and skill as a warrior, but not every warrior would share that sentiment.  This is not Lord Lucian's tale, but the tale of a man that left the world's greatest Mercenary Company to search for his own tale of glory and splendor that would become more fiscally profitable.  This is the story of one of the deadliest snipers and assassins the world had never heard of...This is the tale of Talon.

Talon was one of the original Valor Mercenaries, hired on by the great former Dragon Knight, Vale, herself.  He had tremendous respect for this priestess of battle as she took him in as a mercenary at a very young age.  Her son who inherited leadership over the mercenary crew however, Talon never could stand.  While everyone else saw Lucian as a strong virtuous man, Talon saw him as an arrogant young pup who robbed the Vale Mercenary of many much more profitable opportunities because he was to busy saving the world. 

"The world would have saved itself." Talon would often grumble to himself late at night when he slept in Fort Valor, a large tree fort that served as the mercenaries base of operation.  "We could have used all those long months doing jobs that would have paid for a much more comfortable base full of unimaginable riches."

Talon had even left the mercenaries at one point once Lucian was named the new Commander.  He was hired on as a mercenary for the Nazrogoth's army defending a particular outpost that was being invaded by the Valor Mercenaries.  In a battle that to this day, Talon attributes to dumb luck, he was bested by Lucian and his life was spared, as Lucian had made a deal with him at the beginning of the fight.  Had Talon won, he would have walked away as the leader of the Vale Mercenaries.  Since he lost, the assassin had to rejoin the group and help with Lucian's cause until the end of the war.  Talon decided to stay on with the Valor Mercenaries for a few years after the war, hoping the great fame of the crew would lead them into wealth and fame.

Three years later, Talon was still another nameless mercenary under the leadership of the "Great Lord Lucian." 

It was late one quiet and peaceful night in the Valor Forest (yes, they even had a forest named after the mercenaries for their feats.), when Talon decided that he was done being a nobody.  He knew very well that far across the reaches of Tyseria there was no one better with a bow, and very few assassins that could keep up with his stealth and cunning.  And yet, in any tavern Talon entered his name was never heard among great war tales...it was always that OTHER Valor Mercenary.  In times of peace, the Valor Mercenaries were no longer doing as dangerous and exciting jobs as they once had under the leadership of Vale the great Dragon Knight.

After packing all of his necessary belongings, the crafty medium height man with short blue hair silently left the Fort and walked into the night truly unsure of where his feet would lead him.  One thing Talon knew, as he began walking past numerous large trees, any place he went would be better then where he was now.

"Surely you aren't planning on leaving by yourself?" A deep voice was heard behind Talon.  The marksman stopped and smiled, as he slowly shook his head.  He recognized the voice as his best, and only friend, Willard, a former knight of the Baron Republic.

Talon turned around and looked at his tall burly friend with blond hair, who's eyes were clearest blue that reminded him of lake as the sun shown arross its waters and spoke. "I am leaving, Willard. And nothing you say can change my mind."

"Change your mind?" Willard repeated, his voice raising inquisitively.  "I'm going with you!  Things are way to slow here, beside, trouble's always a stone's throw away from Talon the Sniper."

"Whatever," Talon said as he continued to walk through the forest, secretly relieved that his friend was journeying with him.  "Just don't slow me down big boy...Fate has big plans for me, when I'm done accomplishing all I can accomplish, the tales of Lucian of the Valor Mercenaries will be considered boring compared to amazing feats of the great Talon....Just you wait and see!"

Little did Talon know how true that statement was, and what a painful and dangerous journey he was about to begin.  This, my friends, is the tale of how Talon, the mercenary with no morals, became a Hero.

Reviews

[StillShorterThanYou]

that was a GREAT beginning! I'm just going to have to read more of it now! :) Assassins are always one of my favorite characters to read about, even though I like playing Rangers. The Assassins always have something kinda of dark around them that kinda draws me in I guess. Keep up the good work!

[DarkCrono15]

Thanks for the review! I think you'll like Talon, he's kind of an assassin and ranger =)

[Larry Dyson]

well since you just closed your profile and the contest ...does that mean you are giving up all rights to your story here?finders keepers?

[DarkCrono15]

Haha, thanks for asking but no that doesn't mean I'm giving the rights up to this story. I plan on finishing it one day...maybe...but thanks for asking, I guess I'd never really know if you did continue it...but still...

[Larry Dyson]

hello?

[Larry Dyson]

so is the contest still on? nice story you wrote..

[Larry Dyson]

so do you have a new profile?

[BCBates]

It has really got my attention. I really don't like fantasy, but you have forced me to re-evaluate this opinion and read more.

[Cheshire]

Good job with the editing aspect of the story, I can tell it was proofread well :)

One thing that you may not have noticed, is that your point of view changes in the beginning. In normal novels, if you have something like a prologue or preface, you should start it as its own chapter, or at least have a noticeable break in the text, with some kind of line or design between the different viewpoints.

Another is more of a technical aspect, in that the character Talon starts out as an antagonist, then switches to the protagonist. This can be confusing for some readers.

[John Tackett]

There's definitely potential here, but my 2 suggestions are:
1. Try eliminating any word's you don't need; usually in the 2nd draft. Often I leave works to sit for a few days and then I edit them.

"If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out." - George Orwell

2. This may sound like it contradicts, but the friendship between Talon and Willard is a little awkward. It sounds like they have been friends a long time, but their short quips don't feel like natural dialogue.

"Just don't slow me down big boy..." is what I mean. It's also confusing...is he big as in muscle or big as in fat guy? or is their relationship romantic?

If your going for Manga or a graphic novel...this might be a better fit; but for short novel I'm not so sure.

Overall the work is solid, just needs some tweeks! Keep it up! :) - j

[Anna]

So, I read all of the first book in your series and you have a really interesting plot line going. As it stands your writing style really helps to keep it moving. That being said, watch out for your complex sentences, there were some moments when you lost your tense. Also POV make sure that it is clear who you are talking about, and who is doing the talking, or thinking. I think that something that you should try to develop in your next edit is some more descriptive language. I think that in those complex sentences, there is also a tendency to tell, and list. Instead of painting the picture with all the colors of the rainbow, you are only using a few. I think that if you develop that aspect of story telling it will really boost this by leaps and bounds. I think the best way to understand this is to read it out loud (it will also help with sentence structure issues and grammar). For example, when Talon is in the tavern, what does it smell like, does it repulse Talon? or does it make him feel more at home, does it trigger memories. These are the kinds of things that will make all the more enjoyable to read as well as develop your characters a bit. Vary your sentence structure too, if the sentences are too long then most people can't remember the first part of the sentence or how the two ideas are related, and makes for a jumble of words. Good luck with it, and I will read the other books in the series later on.
Anna,

If you have a few minutes and can take a look at my book it would be very much appreciated. Thanks!

[Dark Rider]

This seems very interesting. I like the details you put into it. I didn't see many mistakes either. I'm curious to see how this story ends. :)

[DarkCrono15]

Thanks a lot! I look forward to hearing more from you if you continue to read the story =) I am also releasing the sequel too so that's about halfway done, if you like this piece that may be something else you want to read.

I appreciate the review and hope you have a wonderful day!

[Dark Rider]

You're welcome. ^^ I just might read more of this story.

[Shadow]

I like it. It's an interesting start to the story.

However, you might want to introduce the information within the parentheses in another manner. If you keep them, remove the periods if the parenthetical is in the middle of the sentence.

I would also suggest reworking some of the descriptions a little.
However, it is a very nice starting point and I find it very intriguing.
When I get the time I'll try to read more.

[DarkCrono15]

I hope you continue to read it and if you do I would value any feed back you choose to give. I'm by no means a pro writer and could use all the help I get!

I'll look into the parentheses part and make a change (thanks for the tip!) and I imagine when I get my whole series out on "paper" here I'll redo a lot of it, especially the beginning chapters in this story. A lot of people have given me many helpful tips so it'll be fun to do!

Have a great night/day!

[CLUTZ]

It was definitely interesting, I liked reading it. I did stumble over a few names and places, but that's not really important. I think it could use work,(it seems a bit rough and doesn't flow like it should) but as far as a starting point goes I liked it.

[DarkCrono15]

Yep its a little rough. I'm going to get my entire story out there then if I feel up to it go back to the beginning and fix it up. I started this series a few years ago and stopped halfway into it so its something I want to get finished =)

Thanks for the review, and if you continue to read it I'd love to get more comments and feedback!

[CLUTZ]

well I'm done with school for the moment so I have no problem going through your chapters.....I'm not excellent at giving reviews but I will try to be as helpful as possible. & you're welcome.

[DarkCrono15]

I appreciate it! Any feedback, encouragement, or even just regular engagement to the story would be awesome. You know how these things work, the more that review your work the more fun it is to write it!

[Lady of the Lake]

Well, that was interesting :) I certainly like the last sentence. It ends the prologue in a nice way and makes me wonder why this Talon has no morals, why he becomes a hero... I like it when a story keeps me wondering haha.
Constructive criticism: the only thing I can really say is that your prologue's form is too summary-like. Although this can be good for the beginning of a sequel, I don't know that you want to open a book like that. Maybe you could try changing it a bit so that you’re characterizing your main characters while also giving some but not too much back story. A discussion between Lucian and Talon, perhaps, where they end up arguing about the past? Talon has done something of which Lucian does not approve?
Anyway, it was really interesting :) I have to find the time to read all of the amazing books that are on this website (yours included) :)
Keep up the good work! :)

[DarkCrono15]

Thanks a ton Lady! I appreciate your feedback and encouragement.

This prologue needs a bit of work, and you definitely brought out some good ideas. Perhaps I'll put out a revised or new version of it after my series is complete. I hope you continue to read, and if you do, I look forward to hearing from you!

[Lady of the Lake]

I'll definitely have to continue after reading the prologue :) It's a really interesting idea/story :)

[DarkCrono15]

Cool, I'm checking your story out now =)