Chapter One

 

I

 

  Fourteen by fourteen. 196 square feet to call my own for the next few months. Or however long I'm going to be in here. They put me in here after discovering what I had been doing to myself. I stared at my arms thoughtfully. Where the broken glass or safety pins had scratched, there were now jagged scars. Some spelled words. Others made shapes. Words like "perfect" or "wrong". But I didn't see what was wrong with it. It was my body, to do so with as I pleased. I stuck out my tongue and studied it in the dull reflection of the shiny floor. The piercing I had done there will close up in a few weeks, meaning that I would have to redo it. They took the gauges from my ears too. They would shrink, but not all the way. Mother had never approved of such things, but what did it matter? Now that I was in here, I was on lock down. An automatic lock bolted the door shut, and the window didn't open, or shatter, to let in a little of the cool spring air in. The room was stuffy, and I was beginning to feel claustrophobic. I lay down on the bed and stared at the ceiling, waiting for that indefinable feeling to come off my chest, and for sleep to take its place.

I wandered down an empty hall, weaving back and forth like a drunkard. My leg had been bleeding badly, but I don’t remember what had happened. Outside, through the gigantic windows, it was very dark. I looked for the moon, but found only dark shapes reflecting a tiny bit of light from the sun floating in the sky. It took me a few moments to realize this was the moon. And floating slowly next to it was the gigantic shards of a meteor. It had hit the moon at full speed, and, since it was bigger than the moon itself, shattered the it into pieces. I tried to scream then. But, of course, my throat had never let me scream. Not even whisper. Then I was pulled into the blackness by some unseen hands.

I opened my eyes. I was still lying on my bed, but with the covers thrown wildly about. I was sweating badly, and my mouth was dry. Sitting up hesitantly, i looked around. My sheets were now wrinkled, and the once clean pillow case now had a big circle of sweat on it.  I got up, went to the door and looked through the little window on it. There was a man pacing through the hallways lazily, whistling some unknown tune. I tapped the glass hesitantly. He looked towards me and scowled, then started to walk to my door. He pushed a button and a voice echoed through my empty room.

"What do you want?"

I pointed to my mouth and licked my lips, I had never taken a sign language class, and now I was paying.

"Stupid mute..." he muttered “Food? You want some food?"

I shook my head and held an imaginary glass, pretending I was drinking.

"Water?"

I nodded. He sighed and shook his head, then walked into the direction of the cafeteria. I peeked through the window again. The digital clock on the wall read 3:29. I still had half an hour until I met my physiatrist for the first time. My schedule was taped onto the wall under the clock, along with three others. White sound machines sat next to the doors, and their steady hum was vibrating through the walls. I stared down the hall until the man came back, carrying a small paper cup. He unlocked a compartment at the bottom of my door and slid it through, taking care to keep his hands out of the room. I picked up the cup gingerly and grinned.

After the cup was empty, I slid it back under the door and tapped the window again. He leaned on the microphone button and growled into the mic.

“What is it now?”

I had to pee, but I didn’t know how to do that gesture. I stared stupidly at the man for a minute, then grabbed my groin from the outside and tried to make out the movements of peeing.  He glared at me and hissed into the mic.

“I don’t care how horny you are, you’re not getting out.”

I stared at him despairingly.  Then an Idea popped into my head. I crossed my legs tightly and bounced up and down. I felt like a child doing it, but I think the message got through. The look in his eyes told me what he felt like.

“God damn you...” He unbolted the door and kept his hand near his belt, containing a tazor and tranquilizer, if necessary. I stepped out. A name tag on his shirt read “Paul”.

He led me down a dead end hall with a yellow colored stripe down the middle of the floor. How fitting. There was a woman’s restroom, on the left, and men’s, on the right. So there are women here, I thought to myself. I tucked that small piece of information away for later and headed into the right one. Urinals lined the wall, and I took the one at the far end and pulled out my limp penis from the sweatpants they had given me. At once I had a sense of freedom, and I let out the urine that had sat in my bladder all day with a sigh. Relief washed over me, and it joined with the sense of freedom.  As soon as it began, it was over. I put the last private thing of me away, and walked to the sink .A clear mirror was there, and I studied myself in it closely as I washed my hands. My face and my hair were oily. I had not washed in two days. I smiled, and I saw plaque gathering on the lining of my gums. I turned off the faucet and headed back to Paul.

 
He was leaning against the wall in a bored way, and stood up straight as I walked out. I looked at him and made a gesture with my hands, as if to wash my hair. He grunted and started back down the hall, ignoring my question. I followed, and when we reached the wall with my schedule on it, I stopped. He turned around and started to say something, but I just looked at him, pointed at the list, and then looked back at it. My name, in bold letters, screamed at the top of the page. John. In the mornings, I had my medication, my breakfast, and a stroll around the fenced in grounds. During the afternoon, I ate, and then I am forced to sit in my room, making time to do things myself. During the evenings, I visit my doctor, eat, and go take care of my "personal needs". AKA take a shower, clean the filth form my mouth etc etc. Sounds simple enough, I thought. Paul grabbed my shoulder and led me back to my room. When the locks had bolted and made that reassuring bang that was only muffled by the white machines, I sat on my bed and waited for the time to click to 4:00, so I can meet my new friend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

II

I walked down the hall with Paul, following a green stripe. He glanced over his shoulder every few seconds to make sure I wasn't planning to make an escape. Where would I go anyways? There are dozens of you, and one of me.

I stood at a door and looked around as Paul knocked on it loudly. All the halls were the same, except the small colored strip that lined the floor. The same walls, colour and all, the same doors, with their cruel locks, and the same, god awful clock. The one that ticked away the seconds slowly, taunting you. Paul was speaking behind me, and I turned my head back to the door. In front of me, a tall, middle aged man stood. He was dressed all too formal, and held a small note pad at his side.
He smiled at me.
I scowled back.
"I'll be sitting out here if you need me." Paul said.
The man gestured inside his small office. I stepped inside, and sat down in an uncomfortably soft chair. His office was almost commercial like, with the lounge on one wall, and bookshelves lining the others. There was a desk in front of him, holding his notes, calendars, and folders. There was also a desk behind him, where his computer hummed quietly. He sat in his shiny, cushy chair and leaned back, folding his arms.
"Hello John." He said softly. "My name is Dr. Genarou. Since we will be spending a large amount of time together, I would like you to call me Brian."
I stared at him. Was there any point in telling me to call him brian if i can't even speak?
"Do you know any sign language?"
I shook my head.
He picked up the note pad from his desk and began to write. In moments he had written over half a page of notes on me. What could possibly be so interesting about me that you have to waste paper to write it? He tapped his pen thoughtfully on his chin, then opened a drawer in his desk and brought out a dry erase marker and a matching board. He placed it on the edge of the desk and smiled his creepy smile. I shuddered.
"Tell me," He paused. "How long have you been... cutting?"
I stared at him stupidly. He gestured towards the board. I uncapped the pan and scribbled on the board.
As long as it matters.
“But do you know how long?”
I started scribbling an answer but changed my mind. Instead, I began to write a long note for him. As I set the board down on his desk, he handed me a note book and a felt tip pen.
“I want you,” He said “To write something about yourself every day. Just a random thing.” He picked up the board and read it.
When I tell you it’s long enough, I mean it’s long enough. You don’t have to treat me like a f*****g dumb a*s every time you talk to me. Just because I’m mute, doesn’t mean I’m retarded.
He set the board back down and sat at his computer, a sign that I should leave. I opened the door and walked out. Paul was leaning on the wall, occupied with a phone that came from the deep bowels of his pocket. He looked up and snapped the phone shut.
“Let’s go.”
He pocketed the phone and started waddling down the hall, following the red stripe back to my hall. I looked into one of the windows of a patient’s door and almost tripped. Standing by her bed, was a naked girl. Her long black hair caressed her shoulders and back, and her hips curved gently into slender legs. She turned, and I gasped. Scars crossed her stomach and onto her chest and legs, forming a geometric map on the front of her body. Homemade tattoos were carved into her ribcage, dancing with the colors of pen ink. A necklace of scars lined her collarbone, and came up and around her shoulders to circle her neck. My penis, once flaccid and dead, now sprang to attention. She looked up at me, her eyes bright and alert, and turns to sit on her bed.

Realizing he had been walking alone, Paul now turned back and griped my shoulder hard.
“I said let’s go.”
I followed unwillingly. As we passed the Clock Wall outside my door, I glanced at my schedule. I still had an hour and a half before they would let us out to eat dinner. Once in my room, the bolts clanged shut, and i lay down on my bed once again. Staring at the ceiling I had had enough of, so I closed my eyes and let my mind wander.

 

 

 

 

III

 As soon as my mind slipped away from the world, I was in another place. It looked like the beach, but it was far to chaotic to be normal. The sky was a deep black, lit up by flashes that came from a distance. I looked for the moon, but in it's place was thousands of broken shards. I turned and looked at the sky behind me. A blazing rock was speeding towards the Earth at tremendous speed. People were running towards me, trying to get away before it made contact. When it hit, I was brought to my knees my the force of it. A wave of fire and dirt came towards the people, and when it hit them, they were incinerated, leaving nothing. I closed my eyes and waited for it to hit, but nothing did.
I opened my eyes and found myself lying on the bed where i was. I was covered in a cold sweat, and I was shaking badly. The white, woolen blanket, which had come with the bed set, was still strewn across the floor from this morning. I got up and slid out of my sweat pants and boxers, lifted the shirt over my head. I stood there, compleatly naked, and drew up the white blanket over my shoulders. The clock outside the window read 5:30. I still had half an hour until they let me out of my room to go eat gruel while mingling with other mental people. I layed the blanket down across the floor and layed on it. the ceilnig looked the same as it did over by my bed.

I had been in this place less than seven hours, and I was already sick of it. The one bright side I saw was that there were no parents. No siblings or or uncles. No Aunts or grandmas. I rolled over on my stomach and folded my arms under my chin. I had nothing to do except write in the notebook that "Brian" gave to me.
Hoping to find a sharp metal object to sooth the throbbing of my skin, i walked around. But alas, there was nothing. They had baby proofed this place before I got here. Another idead popped into my head, and I peaked out of the window. Paul was occupied by another patient, a small, thin teenager who looked like he smoked every drug in the world. Twice.
Seeing that Paul wouldn't be coming over her anytime soon, I went and kneeled behind my bed. Throwing the blanket on the bed, I picked up my penis gently. I closed my eyes and started thinking.

There was Rose, her slender body curved to fit my body just right, laying next to me. Being the curious flower she was she turned and looked at me, her bright eyes shining.
"What is it like to be a mute during sex?" She asked. "I mean, you can't moan or anything. Can you?"
I had shook my head and smiled, tracing a circle on her left n****e. She giggled and got on top of me. I had touched her and loved her, and, eventually, she had given me her virginity.

The thoughts and images rushed through my head, and my penis once again sprang to attention in my hand. The picture of the girl in the room came to my mind, and I almost came right there. I gasped quietly and began to rub, savoring the sensation. Her slender body, on top of mine, my mouth on hers, rocking back and forth-
I opened my mouth in a silent grunt. As soon as it began, it was over. I sat there for a minute, thinking. Then there was a tap on my window, and I saw the fat face of Paul peeking through. I nodded and stood. He walked away to go bother some other man from his fantasies, and i grabbed my pants and shirt, pulled them on quickly, and left the mess by my bed to go stand my the door.
Paul unlocked it and I wandered out. three other boys were standing out in the hall. Two looked like they were my age, but the other looked younger. The stoner. He looked up at me with dead eyes and started followed a brown stripe towards the cafeteria.
"Wait, Stan. You know you can't go alone." It was one of the older boys, the dark haired one.
"F**k off Tony."
"Shut up all of you and start heading towards the cafeteria." Paul growled.
We walked in steady formation, Stan in the front, Tony following close behind him, the blonde kid, and Me in back. Paul followed us closely and kept his hand near his belt. I kept my head down, not wanting to look into the windows of other patients, afraid to look in and see what i cannot have. I was paying so little attention that when they boy infront of me stopped, i ran into him.
“Watch where your going, f****r.”He growled.
Tony looked back, he face blank.
“Don't mess with the fresh meat, Tom.” Stan said. “You know what they do if you mess with his face.”
Stan made a small buzzing sound and a few small twiches.
“Shut up, Stan, your not helping.” Tony murmmured.
“And what are you gonna do about it?” Stan spat at him. “'Protect' me like you did back at home? You never did s**t for me, you worthless brother. I can take care of myself.”
I stared at the two siblings, quarreling like my own. Tom turned around and thrust out his hand, his face twisted in a grimance. I took it and he pulled me close, so his face was next to mine.
“I want you to listen to me ver carefully.” He whispered. “Get out of here as soon as you can.”
I turned my head alittle. His forehead was lined with sweat.
“I've seen things. Bad things. The moon, she's a goner, man. Thats why you got to get out of here as soon as possible. Get under gorund, get somewhere. Just...” He paused. The two siblings were still fighting. Paul was busy trying to keep them from maknig contact.  “Get away from here.”
He let my hand go and looked me in the eye.
“Do you hear me?”
I nodded.
He frowned. “Don't you speak? It's a yes or no question. Answer it.”
I blinked and grabbed my throat, then shrugged. He stared at me with deep stupidity.
“Hey Paul!”
Paul looked up at Tom.
“Whats wrong with this kid? Why won't he talk?”
“He's a mute, dumbass.” It was Stan talking. “I heard them talking about him while they were doin' my tests.”
My ears turned red with embarassment, and i lowered my face.
Tonys face grew dark and he grinned.
“So he can't make any noise?” He asked softly.
He moved closer to me.
“Even when I do... This?!” He grabbed my n****e through the shirt and twisted hard. I gasped and opened my mouth to cry out. He twisted harder, and I dropped to my knees.
Paul shoved Tony off of me and pulled me up. My left n****e stung, and I touched it gingerly through my shirt.
“Get to the cafiteria now.”Paul hissed.
We shuffled to the Cafeteria silently, in our same order we had been in before. Paul gripped my shoulder lightly, then went to go stand next to Stan. I guess even in a metal home, there were still bullies.