From the Journal of Elizabeth August 1, 2006

From the Journal of Elizabeth

August 1, 2006

I got off the phone with Jarred, my heart feeling heavy. I knew something wasn't right, I just didn't know what. Everything between me and him had been perfect. Ever since my miscarriage, there had been no issues between us. He was there with me once my body started “passing the baby,” whatever that was supposed to mean and he never seemed to mind it when I called him upset and needing to talk.

So what is it that could put the tone of emptiness into his voice? I hadn't done anything, anything at all. The only thing I knew was that my stomach was tying into knots inside me.

For the first time in my life, I wasn't looking forward to Amber dropping him off before she went to work. I didn't want to hear what I was sure he had finally discovered.

That I wasn't good enough for him.

That I could never be enough.

I wasn't ready for our relationship to end. I wasn't strong enough to handle it on my own. Jarred was my life raft, holding my head above the water. Nathan and Amber couldn't help me the way that he did. They couldn't give me what it was that I needed.

I needed to be loved, I needed to feel like he wanted me and like I mattered to him more than anyone. It always felt like that. What would happen to me when that changed?

Finding out wasn't something I wanted to do. But I was sure that it was about to happen.

I could hear the doorbell ring. I took a deep breath and put on my poker face. Seeing Jarred as I opened the door took my breath away. It always did. He was just so perfect. Much, much too good for me.

Just like always, he pulled me close to him, and placed a kiss on my lips. He seemed more desperate now and I could sense his insides crumbling. He clutched onto me urgently. Taking a deep shaky breath, our eyes locked. His burned with something I had never seen in them before, but I had seen it in Nathans eyes countless times.

Whatever he was going to tell me was bad. It was so bad, that he was afraid I'd be royally screwed up afterward. I bit down on my lower lip and took his hand to lead him inside. He followed me, but walked through the living room and out the door to the backyard. I let him lead the way. He took my hand and lead me to the old wooden play place that I hadn't used in years. It was the one dad always swore he was going to get rid of, but never did.

Jarred sat on the bench swing and pulled me next to him. I squeezed him tightly and continued to take deep breaths.

“Hey...What's wrong Elizabeth?”

“I don't know,” I muttered. “And I don't think I want to...I think it's bad.”

Jarred sighed and kissed the top of my head. “You know,” He whispered, “I never thought I'd ever feel like this, let alone at the age of fifteen.”

“You're almost sixteen,” I reminded him.

He smiled. “Yeah, it's crazy though. You know me so well. You can tell when somethings wrong, when I have something on my mind...You know me Elizabeth.”

“You know me too,” I said as I snuggled closer. “You know me.”

“I'm glad,” he nodded. I felt my stomach flutter as he rested his fingertips on my ribcage. He dragged them along my sides, and I shot up giggling, despite myself.

“What?” he asked, alarmed.

“Don't do that!” I cried.

“Do what?”

“That tickled...” I told him, pushing his fingertips away.

“I thought you weren't ticklish,” he accused.

“It's not my fault! You hit a spot!”

Jarred grinned, a mischievous, wicked grin before launching himself towards me, fingers aimed right for my newfound tickle zone. I slapped his hand away and laughed as I turned myself to face him head on. I pulled knees to my chest, preparing to lock myself in a ball to cut off all access to my ribcage. He leaned forward, pressing his torso against my knees, trying to find a way in. His face came close to mine and I could see the light in his eyes, and hear the laughter on his lips. I let go of my legs and reached for him.

“Truce!” I cried. He laughed, hovering over me, then he bent down to kiss me again.

“Only because it's you,” he agreed.

I took a deep breath, deciding that whatever was on his mind was something I needed to know. I could handle it. He wasn't leaving me, that much was obvious. Anything else, I could take.

“Jarred, whats wrong?” I asked.

He let his eyes meet mine as his lips curved into a half frown. I could almost hear the mental debate in his head, trying to figure out the best way to word whatever it was.

“Just tell me,” I coaxed. “Please?”

Jarred sat back up, and I moved to position myself against his shoulder. He put his arms around me again.

“I'm moving,” he told me.

“Oh.” I let out a sigh of relief. I was sure that Amber or Nathan wouldn't mind driving a little bit further to get to Jarred's. “Where to?”

“This is the bad part...” he said, hesitating. “My dad got a job offer in California. They offered the right price, so he took it.”

“Cali...What?” I expected across town, maybe even the other side of the sate....

But across the country?

This couldn't be happening.

“I'll come back as much as I can...” he promised. “All our family is here. We'll be here for holidays...and...everything will be okay.”

I did my best to keep the tears from my eyes and nodded. I shifted myself to face away from him so he couldn't see the pain on my face.

“Elizabeth...please be strong for me. I need you to promise me that you'll take care of yourself. Please...”

I nodded my head and bit down on my lower lip. I could taste the salt from my tears.