From the Journal of Elizabeth July 11, 2006

From the Journal of Elizabeth

July 11, 2006

Jarred held onto my hand tightly in the backseat of Ambers car. I had my head rested on his shoulder as I tried to relax and focus on nothing other than the feel of his fingertips tracing the curve of my back. It was working, for now.

“You'll be alright Elizabeth,” Jarred promised. “It's just a check up.”

“I hate doctors,” I muttered while burying my face into his chest. He unclipped my seatbelt and pulled me to him, ignoring Ambers “seat belts at all times” rule.

“I'll be with you the whole time. I wont leave the room, ever. I promise.”

“And we're telling them that you're the dad?” I clarified.

“If thats what you want us to tell everyone else, then yes. Unless you changed your mind about telling people about Rob...”

“No,” I said quickly. “I cant...”

“No one will be mad at you Elizabeth. I mean, I'm willing to do whatever it is that you need. But I just want you to understand that.”

“But what if we can't prove it? And Crissy will be so upset. Then I'll end up having to go to court. People will think that I'm messed up, or that there's something wrong with me and I just...” All of these words came gushing from my lips, at a million miles a minute. Jarred silenced me with a kiss.

“Whatever makes it easier for you.”

“Personally,” Amber interjected, “I think that this is dumb, and you should fess up about Rob. I was alright with you keeping it to yourself before there was a kid involved, but dragging Jarred into this...”

“Amber,” Jarred reasoned. “I offered. She's not making me do anything that I don't want. Even if she did tell everyone about Rob, I would still be doing everything I am now. This way they just cant keep me from helping, because they think it's mine anyway.”

“I still think this is dumb,” Amber sighed. “But its not my decision to make.”

She turned the car down the street towards the Planned Parenthood. Jarred squeezed my hand reassuringly and I forced a smile. I hated the doctors. But, at least Jarred would be with me.

“Alright guys,” Amber said. “I'm going down to the store. Call me when you're finished here. Am I taking you to rehearsal tonight Jarred?”

“Yeah, it's over at Joe's place.”

“Alright. Call me when you need me.” We got out of the car and Amber drove off in the opposite direction.

“She's mad at me, isn't she?”

“Not mad, I think just frustrated.”

I sighed and nodded my head. Jarred took my hand again and pulled me to him, kissing my forehead.

“Everything will be okay, I promise. You're not going to lose me either. I'll be with you forever, if thats what you want.”

“I want that very much,” I said. He smiled at me, and led me through the doors into the office.

The wait seemed to take forever, and no matter how hard I tried, my heartbeat wouldn't slow. Jarred kept his hands locked with mine, despite how clammy they were. Occasionally he would lean over, and whisper something cute in my ear, or give my hands an extra squeeze.

Finally a the nurse came from the back room to call us in. I stood, keeping Jarred hand firmly locked with mine, and followed her into her office.

It wasn't what I expected. There was a desk with a computer and three chairs around a small table. She motioned for us to sit. She sat across from us, and handed me a form to fill out while she talked. We discussed the options we had for “our” baby. Had we told our parents yet? When did we plan to tell them? Did we both agree with the decision we were making?

When we told the doctor that yes, we were planning on keeping the baby, hands down, she smiled and lead us from her office into a more medical setting. She motioned for me to sit up on the examination table, and Jarred stood next to me. She drew blood, explaining that it was for tests and then gave me a cup to go pee in.

“I know you've already tested positive on a pregnancy test, but we're going to have you take ours here, standard procedure,” she smiled. Her friendliness bothered me. I'm not sure why.

It felt weird to give someone my pee in a clear plastic cup, especially right in front of Jarred, especially when that pee was warm, so there was no way to pretend it was some type of drink instead. She placed a test stick inside the cup and set it off to the side, explaining that we had to let it set for three minutes. About a minute into it though, she checked the stick and tossed it into the trash.

“You're definitely pregnant,” she confirmed, not like I needed to hear it again. “So here's what we're going to do. I'm going to take you into the other room for an ultrasound, just to check and make sure everything looks normal. Then we'll probably get you started on some vitamin pills and things like that to keep the baby healthy. Sound good?”

Jarred and I nodded, and I followed her down the hall into another room. A small screen was set up on a stand next to an examination table. A long, skinny white object attached to a cord sat in a holder on the stand.

“Its just an ultrasound,” he whispered. “No big deal.”

The doctor looked at me, smiled yet again and said, “Alright, I'm going to leave the room for a minute. I'll need you to get undressed from the waist down and get up on the table. Theres a sheet there to put over yourself. I'll be back in a few minutes.” She left the room without another word.

I looked at Jarred as blood rushed to my cheeks. This was a nightmare.

“I can leave...” Jarred offered. “And come back in after the ultrasound.”

“No,” I said, trying to hide my building panic attack. “They think we've had sex. It shouldn't be a big deal for you to see me naked to them. Just, close your eyes and don't open them until I'm under the sheet thingy, okay?”

Jarred nodded, and taking things a step further than I would have expected from any guy (other than perhaps Nathan) he turned to face the corner of the room, clearly covering his eyes.

“Thank you...” I muttered as I undressed as quickly as I could, taking care to hide my underwear from view. I hopped up onto the table, which was covered in paper, so it made a crackling sound, and pulled the sheet over me. “You can look now.”

I blushed as he turned around. I knew he couldn't see anything, but the fact that I was undressed was still unsettling to me. He smiled, clearly trying to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal, and took my hand.

“I'm sure we will some day...” I whispered, “But...I'm not ready for anything like that yet.”

“I don't expect you to be,” he said, clearly understanding that I was referring to sex. “If you want to wait until marriage, I'll wait right there with you.” He kissed me gently on the lips. There was a knock on the door, and the doctor entered the room again, quickly shutting the door behind her.

“Sorry that its got to be this kind of ultrasound. It gives us a better reading when you're in the early stages of pregnancy,” she explained as she moved over to the table, and the lower half of my body. I gripped Jarred's hand. “I need you to put your feet up on those footrests. Then I'm going to put this up inside you. It will probably feel uncomfortable.” She picked up the long white thing, and put some type of goop on the end of it. I swallowed hard and placed my feet on the rests. Jarred gripped my hand as she walked over to the sheet and lifted it up slightly to expose, only to herself, what was in between my uncomfortably placed legs. She placed the top of the white thing by my opening and, after a warning, shoved it in.

I bit down on my lower lip, disliking the pressure I could feel. She turned the TV screen on. The picture was fuzzy, in black and white. I could feel her rotating the thing inside me as the picture on the screen moved around. She pointed to a small blob on the screen.

“Thats the fetus,” she said, tracing the shape. Her lips curved downward as she studied the screen. “And somethings not right.” According to everything you've told me, you should be about ten weeks along. What I see up on the screen shows me only about four or five weeks of growth.

She went over to the monitor and pressed a few buttons. Pictures printed off of the side. She pulled the thing out of me, popped the head off and threw that part in the garbage, and then excused herself. Jarred turned away again as I wiped myself clean of the ooze and got dressed.

“Are you okay?” Jarred asked, when I told him he could look again.

“I don't know...” I admitted. “Is she saying that I miscarried?”

“Thats what it sounds like,” Jarred said. “Is that good to you, or bad?”

“Its...good...” I said, unsure. I was happy that I wasn't having Robs baby. But, now that I thought about it, that baby was my son or daughter too. Did I somehow fail in taking care of my own child?

“It's okay to be upset,” Jarred said.

“No...it's not. This is a good thing.”

“You and I both know you can't find the loss of life a good thing,” Jarred said softly. “You don't have to pretend with me.”

“But if I pretend, it might not hurt me so bad.” I sucked back my tears, determined not to cry. I was so sick of always crying in front of Jarred. He pulled me close to him.

When the doctor came back, she lead us back to the conference room. I tuned most everything she said out, and let Jarred do the talking. I caught something about my body possibly not clearing its self naturally, and the possibility of some type of removal operation. We'd give it a few more weeks. When my body did “pass the fetus” chances were, there would be clots.

Once we finally left the office, Jarred called Amber. My mood was affecting him, it was easy to see. That bothered me. He shouldn't be upset just because I was.

“Jarred...” I whispered.

“What is it Elizabeth?” he asked, pulling me to him.

I wanted to tell him I wasn't okay, but the words got lost in my throat. Instead I just said, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he told me, placing another kiss on my lips. I forced a smile.

When Ambers car pulled up, Nathan had taken residency in the front seat. Our eyes met for the briefest moment, and he immediately understood that something was wrong.

Jarred followed me into the backseat and pulled me close to him. He brushed the hair from my eyes. I couldn't help but to notice the worried curves in the contour of his facial expression. I didn't want him to worry...

“So what did the doctor have to say?” Amber asked. “Did she put you on vitamins or anything?”

“Amber,” Jarred said softly. “The baby stopped growing about five weeks ago. Elizabeth miscarried.”

I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. I had failed in protecting the life of my child.

“Maybe I shouldn't go to practice tonight...” Jarred said as he tried to soothe me.

“No...go,” I argued. “I'll see you tomorrow, won't I? Since I'm staying at Ambers tonight...”

“Of course you'll see me tomorrow,” he promised. “But I'm worried about you today.”

“Amber and I will make sure she's alright,” Nathan assured him. “Don't worry about that.”

“Is that okay with you?” Amber asked me. “Or would you rather go to practice with Jarred? I'm sure the guys wouldn't mind.”

“No, I don't want to get in the way,” I said, taking a deep breath. “God...I feel stupid. This is a good thing. I'm just emotional right now. I'll be fine.”

I hated lying to them all. But, I'd rather have them lied to and happy, than know the truth that was burning within me.

I wanted to die.

I really did.

My baby had to die, so wasn't it fitting that I be with my child?

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