From the Journal of Elizabeth June 30, 2006

From the Journal of Elizabeth

June 30, 2006

Inseparable was the word that anyone used to describe Jarred and me. We always found ways to see each other. I couldn't wait until September when he finally turned sixteen. Nothing at all could break us apart.

Except maybe one thing.

I was now staring, absolutely dumbstruck, at a positive pregnancy test.

My hands shook, and I took unhelpful, shallow breaths. I clenched my fists together tightly, and relaxed a little at the feel of my nails digging into the skin on my palms.

How was I going to tell Jarred?

Was I going to lose him?

I could feel my insides screaming in terror. I didn't want any part of Rob. I didn't want his baby. I shoved the pregnancy test into my purse and threw the rapper and box into the garbage. I didn't feel bad for stealing it on my way to use the bathroom now. It didn't deliver the news I had been praying for. Why should I pay this stupid store for delivering the news that was about to change my life?

I knew one thing for sure. If I lost Jarred over this, I was done. I couldn't live with Robs baby inside me and losing Jarred because of it. I wouldn't live. I chose not to.

It was bad enough that I wasn't good enough for Jarred. My knowledge of that grew every time I was with him. He was such a good person, so open, so honest, untainted. How could I ever be enough for someone like that after what Rob did? I could never give him my virginity, but he could some day give me his. That wasn't right. He would be so much better with someone else and here I was, selfish, pregnant and unwilling to let go of him, no matter how much better off he would be.

I stepped out of the bathroom, and really wished that I would have chosen a different time and place to take the test. One that didn't involve walking out of the bathroom to an overly observant Nathan and an Amber who just had to go pee.

“You took so long!” Amber laughed rushing past me and into the bathroom.

“I'm fine,” I told Nathan, before he could even ask.

“Which means you're not.” He sat down on the bench and patted the open spot next to him, holding out his arms to pull me into a hug as I sat.

“I don't want to talk about it here. I'll have a breakdown. Plus, I think I should tell Jarred first...I'm just really scared Nathan.”

“You don't have any reason to be afraid. I'll always be here, Amber's always here for you. Of course, so is Jarred.”

“I think I might lose him because of this,” I confided.

“I don't think you will, whatever it is.”

I sighed and looked my best friend right in the eyes, trying to find a doubt in them. There wasn't one.

“I want to tell you, but I'm afraid you'll be mad at me. I want to tell someone. I've been keeping it to myself for too long...”

“We can wait, and as soon as we get back to the house we'll talk,” he said just as Amber walked out of the bathroom.

I felt bad not confiding in her the way I confided in Nathan and Jarred. I just felt like they understood me better and were more accepting to what I had to say. Whenever I talked to Amber about how I was feeling she just got too analytical. I didn't want to be analyzed. I was perfectly capable of analyzing myself. I just wanted someone to be there. Nathan and Jarred were very good at that. This was something I needed to talk to a girl about though.

“Ready to head back to the house?” Amber asked. Nathan and I stood, and walked out to the parking lot.

When we got back to the house, Amber grabbed the bag of groceries we had picked up for her mom to make dinner, and we headed right upstairs. When I got into Ambers room, I reached for my overnight bag, in desperate need of my hoodie, despite the seventy five degree weather. I felt self-conscious now that I was getting ready to speak the words out loud.

Amber and Nathan followed me into the room and shut the door. Amber looked at me, surveying my facial expression. She could tell that I was falling to pieces inside. Was it that obvious?

“What's wrong hon?” Amber asked, sitting next to me and putting her hand on my shoulder. Nathan leaned against the door, letting the lines of his face curve into an unreadable mask.

“I'm totally screwed, that's whats wrong. It's all Rob's fault too, all of it.”

“Don't talk like that,” Amber said. “I know you probably feel like there's something wrong with you, but there isn't.”

“No Amber, there's something wrong with me. Something very wrong.” Tears poured from my eyes, and the words got lost in my throat. Instead I said, “I need Jarred.”

In two seconds flat, Amber was on the phone, dialing Jarred's number and telling him to be ready in ten minutes. She was coming to get him. That's the one thing I loved about her. If I said something, she took it seriously.

“Do you want to come with me to get him, or do you want to stay here? I'm sure Nathan will stay with you.”

“I want to stay here, I don't want to get up,” I whimpered.

“Alright, I'll be back as soon as I can. Nathan, try and help her, okay?”

Nathan nodded and waited until Amber shut the door behind her before turning to me. He came to the bed, sat down next to me, and pulled me tightly into his arms while I cried dry sobs.

“Come on, take deep breaths,” he coached. “What happened Elizabeth?”

“I didn't think that I really could be...but I had to check...” I babbled, clearly not making any sense to him whatsoever.

“Didn't think you could be what?” he asked.

The word somehow came through my closing throat.

“Pregnant.”

“You...you think you're pregnant?” he asked, clearly trying to keep on his brave face.

“No Nathan,” I shuddered, trying to suck up my sobs and compose myself before Jarred could see what kind of a mess of a girlfriend he had. “It's not a thought. It's a fact.”

“What?” he asked, startled. “How could you know, you didn't buy a test or anything. You might just be...” he choked out the word, clearly trying to avoid the woman part of the conversation. “Late.”

“Yeah, I'm late. And I'm pregnant too.” I reached into my purse and flashed the stick which clearly had that stupid blue plus sign in the test window. “I stole the test while we were at the store today, and took it in the bathroom. I didn't really have much of a choice.”

“I would have bought you one...” he said in a quiet, powerless voice. I could tell his insides were screaming too. This was one problem of mine that he couldn't easily fix.

“I didn't want anyone to know, unless I really was...I didn't want anyone to think of me differently. I don't know what to do now. I don't want to go to court to deal with Rob. I don't want to hurt Crissy. I just want this to go away.”

“I can't make it go away...” he said. I could see his face drop in the pain of that realization. It had never hit me before, and it may have only been in the heat of the moment, but I think it's true enough to say that I had a thing for Nathan. Maybe I just liked the way that he cared about me. Either way, nothing would ever change that.

In record time, Ambers car pulled into the driveway. I could see Jarred hopping out of the passenger seat, even before she came to a complete stop, and rushing into the house. I pulled my knees into my chest and buried my face where it couldn't be seen. My heart thundered in my chest and my hands grew hot, and clammy. Jarred bounded up the stairs, and Nathan turned to leave the room.

“Tell Amber for me. Saying it twice will be hard enough,” I said, my voice cracking. He nodded and left, just as Jarred came in. He made his way to the bed quickly scooping me, unhesitatingly into his arms.

“Whats wrong?” he asked, kissing the tears from my cheeks.

“Everything.”

“I don't think so,” he disagreed, taking my hand and lacing his fingers between mine. “This,” he said as he showed me our hands, “Can't be wrong.”

“It is though,” I moaned. “I'm not good enough for you.”

“Elizabeth...don't say that.”

“It's true though. I wish it wasn't...I can't give you my virginity, and if you leave me for this I totally understand. I just...don't want you to.”

“I'm not going to leave you for what happened to you Elizabeth. Why would I even have decided to be with you if that was the case?”

“Because you didn't know that I was pregnant,” I blurted as the new hot tears poured from my eyes. “You didn't know that I was carrying his baby.”

“I would really love to kill him for doing this to you,” Jarred said, clearly trying to remain calm. “How could you ever think that I'd leave you, just because of that? Elizabeth, I'll do whatever you need me to, to help you. When did you find out?”

“About a half hour ago.”

“Do you want to call your parents...? What do you want to do? Whatever you decide I'll help you with.”

“I don't want anyone to know...I don't want people to know about what Rob did. I can't explain it. I guess I don't want people to pity me, or to think theres something wrong with me. I don't want Chrissy to get hurt. I just want this all to go away.”

“Would it be easier if people thought that I was the father?”

“I can't ask you to do that...” I said, shaking my head. “You're only fifteen. You'll be sixteen in September. You can't get tied down to a kid thats not even yours.”

“As far as I'm concerned, I'm more that baby's father than Rob. I'll work two jobs if I have to. I'll do anything you need. I will be that babies father.”

“A virgin father,” I sighed.

“If thats what will help you, then I'll do it. I don't care, as long as you are okay.”

“What if our parents don't let us see each other anymore? What if they make me get an abortion, and don't let us talk?”

“They can't force you to get an abortion,” Jarred sighed. “You have to give your consent.”

“Right, but they can stop supporting me, they can refuse to help me support the baby...”

“I don't think they would do that. I know my parents wouldn't.”

“I'm scared Jarred.” Tears started to fall onto my cheeks again. He was there to kiss them away. He rested his forehead on mine, so he could look into my eyes.

“Don't be.”

“Why shouldn't I be?” I asked.

“Because I love you, and I wont let anything hurt you.”

I bit down on my lower lip, feeling the butterflies whirl in my stomach. “I love you too,” I said.

“So here's what we'll do. We'll go to planned parenthood for checkups, and we'll wait to tell anyone else until after its too late for them to make you get an abortion. They can't make us not talk to each other if you are going to have the baby, can they?”

“No...” I agreed, fearfully. He kissed me again.

“I promise, I will take care of you, and our baby.”

Its hard to understand why, at least from my point of view, but I loved the sound of those words much more than I should. Selfish Elizabeth has risen, yet again.

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