From The Journal of Elizabeth June 5, 2006

From the Journal of Elizabeth

June 5, 2006

I opened my eyes and looked down. Nothing. Again. I leaned back on the toilet seat, tossing the piece of paper into the water and putting my hand over my forehead. I then brushed the hair from my eyes. Taking a deep breath, I stood up, and put my pants back on.

I walked across the bathroom and placed my hands on the sink, putting my weight against the counter top and surveying my face in the mirror. I looked like crap. Jarred would be to my place in an hour, and I looked like the light hadn't touched me in days. I turned the water on and splashed my face with the coolness then patted it dry with a nearby hand towel. Taking another deep breath I muttered, “I think you could do much better than me...” Jarred deserved better than what he was getting himself into. Unfortunately for him, my nature was too selfish to put a stop to something that had already started. I was beginning to feel like things might be okay again. It was hard to let something that good go after trying so desperately to resurface. Trying to fight what was beginning with Jarred was like a person who was drowning trying to ignore the life preserver that just got thrown at them.

Impossible.

I opened the cabinet and pulled out the hair straightener and makeup I had received for my fourteenth birthday last month. I plugged the straightener in and turned the heat up on high then applied my makeup while waiting for the flat iron to become hot. By the time I had finished my hair and makeup I felt much better about the continued absence of my dear Aunt Flow, mainly due to the fact that I wasn't thinking about it anymore.

I got dressed and went out into the kitchen to wait for Jarred. We were going to the band festival in town, which was walking distance from my house. Since he didn't turn sixteen until September, he was riding up with one of his friends to the festival and ditching them so he could walk to pick me up. It was our first time being alone together. The though of that was both exciting, and scared the hell out of me, all at the same time. I hadn't been alone with any guy other than my dad, and Nathan of course, since the night with Rob.

I remembered when I told Jarred about what happened, to explain why I was so cautious that first night, and why my caution continued even during our late night phone conversations. He hadn't been angry, the way I'd been expecting. In fact, he didn't even talk about wanting to kill Rob. His only concern and focus was how I was handling it, and helping me to handle it better. He didn't know about the cuts that had finally faded into scars along my veins. I didn't want him to ever have to know. He wouldn't either, because Nathan had made me swear up and down that I'd never do it again. Breaking promises was very low on my things to do list.

At five, on the dot, the doorbell rang. I went to the front of the house, trying my best not to seem too eager. My heart clenched together when my eyes made contact with Jarred's.

“Hey,” I said, smiling like an idiot. I couldn't help it when he walked into sight. It was a default setting, something.

“Hey!” He reached for me, pulling me into his embrace. “How are you feeling?”

I smiled and said, “I'm fantastic.” I knew he was asking me in response to the fight he overheard between me and my mother last night while I was on the phone with him, but it was true. I was fine, now that he was here.

“Good. So, weren't you warning me about the dreaded 'meet the parents'?”

I laughed nervously and invited him in. Mom and Dad were in the living room waiting, with a small grin on their faces that clearly said, “oh my god, my daughters going on a date.” Mom looked happy, Dad looked absolutely frightened.

“I'm Jarred,” he said, announcing himself as my parents finally stood up from the couch. He took my fathers hand. “It's nice to meet you, Sir.” My mother just sat there, grinning, but fading into the background.

“Have her home by ten,” Was my fathers parting command as he returned back to the couch. Quick and formal. That was how my parents did things.

Discreetly, Jarred placed the tips of his fingers at the small of my back, and his other hand rested on my hip as he lead me to the doorway. My stomach did flip flops at the feel of his hands on my body. No one had ever touched me this way, but it was a good feeling. It made me feel like he liked me for me, not for what I could offer him.

It made the whole issue with Rob seem just the tiniest bit smaller and the fact that I could be pregnant a whole lot bigger. What if I lost Jarred because of what Rob did? How could I handle that? Sure, Nathan and Amber would still be there, but they couldn't fill the holes that were missing the way Jarred could.

Once we were outside, Jarred removed his hands from their guiding position, to the more casual place of holding hands. It was different with him though. It felt like he was connecting to me by just the slightest touch of our fingertips.

“How has your day been?” I asked him. I was shy. What if I started talking about something too boring? Or what if I seemed too desperate for conversation?

He laughed, as though he could sense my unease and found it completely unnecessary.

“Slow,” He admitted. “To be honest, I couldn't stop thinking about you. Tonight just didn't come soon enough for me.”

“Really?” I asked, feeling the blush rise to my cheeks.

“Really really. Now tell me about yours. I want to know everything.”

I swallowed hard and let my hair fall to create a barrier between our eyes. He frowned and pushed the blond strand from my face. “It was good,” I said, letting our gazes lock.

“Don't hide your eyes from me. They're beautiful.”

I bit down on my lower lip and smiled. “I'm sorry...i just get so...”

“Shy?” He finished. “I understand Elizabeth.” He let his fingertips fall from my hair to trace my jawline. “You have every reason in the world to be.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Don't be.” He smiled again and kissed my forehead. “If you were anyone else, I probably wouldn't like you so much.”

I bit down on my lower lip again and let him lead me towards town. The band festival was for local bands who may or may not have a shot at the big time. There were usually always talent scouts, and because of that, you had a lot of people register for a performance. Some of them just flat out sucked.

“I think they should hold auditions for who gets to put on a show and who doesn't,” I said as the crowd politely listened to a rather horrible senior girl from my school.

“I think that you're right,” he smiled. “Thats probably why they only allow one song per person, or band.”

“Probably,” I agreed. He put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close to his chest.

“Oh, Elizabeth, these are my friends,” he said as he gestured towards a large group of guys moving towards us. Then, he moved me so I could stand in front of him, and placed his arms around me, holding me tight.

“So this is your girlfriend?” the blond boy at the front of the group said, smiling. “I think you picked a good one.” He winked and I could almost hear Jarred roll his eyes.

“I know I picked a good one,” he said. “Elizabeth, this is Joe. Don't pay any attention to anything he says or does, and your IQ might not drop by being in his presence.”

“Thanks man. Love you too,” Joe grinned.

Jarred ignored him and introduced me to the rest of the group. Jeff, Tom, Doug and Evan.

“Woah, Jarred, its almost six. We have to go,” Evan said, gesturing to the time display on his cell phone.

“Go where?” I asked as Jarred turned to me.

“I've got a surprise for you. Will you be okay hanging out with Tom for a few minutes?”

I smiled encouragingly, even though my insides screamed in protest. Jarred wouldn't leave me with someone who he couldn't trust. I sighed and held it in. “Yeah. No problem.”

Jarred gave me a look that clearly said he doubted my false sincerity, but he didn't have enough time to act on it, because Joe and Evan began to drag him in the opposite direction.

“Lets go down to the park and watch the next band while they're gone,” Tom suggested. I nodded shyly and followed him down the hill towards the stage. We found a spot on the grass and sat together. He kept a space between us. I wondered if Jarred had warned him about my “personal space” issue.

“I hear this next band is pretty awesome,” He said.

“What are they called?” I asked

“Nothings Impossible.”

“I like it.”

“Me too. Its very uplifting,” Tom agreed, leaning back onto his forearms. “I think you'll like them a lot.”

“What are Jarred and everyone else doing?”

“They uh...they help the band out.”

“Oh, okay, so thats why they had to leave. When will they be back?”

“Right after the band is done.”

I let my lips for the shape of an O and then pressed them together. I wondered why Jarred hadn't told me that he helped out with one of the bands. It wasn't a huge deal or anything. I just wished I would have known. I hated being caught off guard. I stared at the ant crawling across the grass, focusing my full attention on it.

“Next up we have another local band,” The announcers voice startled me, but I still didn't look up. “Preforming a new song, never heard before tonight, please welcome Nothings Impossible!”

There was a loud cheering. I kept my gaze downward. The rock beats started. I could already tell that this song would get stuck in my head.

There was a small pause in the music, and then came the vocals.

“If there's a place in this world for me

I believe that its right here, next to you.

I know its early on, but I can see it in your eyes.

You need me.

Use me.”

The sound of the vocalist was so enchanting to me, that I finally had to look up. My heart dropped, and I just about screamed.

“Jarred!” I cried, looking over at Tom. He grinned.

“They started working on this song the day after he met you...keep listening.”

He didn't have to tell me twice. I let my mind clear and the words fill the broken spaces as the song cut into the chorus.

“I found you

Broken on the inside

Smiling on the surface

Desprate, pleading with your eyes

In a way only I could see.

So let me save you.”

The words faded out, and the guitar came in again, reminding me that this wasnt a typical, slow love song. This was a rock song. Tom stood up and I let him pull me to my feet.

“Can I pick you up?” He yelled.

“What?” I yelled back, over the sound of the drums

“Can I pick you up...put you on my shoulders?”

I debated it for a minute, and then nodded. Tom bent down so I could climb up over him and then he hoisted me into the air, above the hand banging crowd. My eyes met Jarred's, and Tom moved forward toward the front of the stage.

“I refuse to watch you break, watch you fall”

I looked around, confused. The screaming wasn't coming from Jarred's lips, it was coming from Joe. He sounded good too.

Then, Jarred's voice cut in again.

“I refuse to watch your pain anymore.

So take my hand”

Joe's voice cut in again, “Take my hand.”

Tom moved closer to the stage, faster. I could feel my heart pounding as my eyes locked in with Jarred's and the band cut back into the chorus.

As Jarred sang, we moved closer. By the end of the chorus I was at the front of the crowd and I could almost reach his fingertips...almost.

“I see you standing there.” Joe's voice echoed.

“I see you about to fall.”

Then, Jarred again.

“Lean on me,

Take my hand and we'll run

Away from this place

Away from this mess.”

Our finger tips connected, our palms touched, his hand was in mine.

“I'll pick you up when you are down.

And I wont let you fall.”

Tom was hoisting me up, over his head, and before I knew it, I was on the stage too, my hand still locked firmly with Jarred's as he sang the last line of the song.

“Lets see if we get lost together

Because I'll be yours forever.”

Our eyes locked, and even if I wanted to look away, I think it would have been impossible. This was the sweetest moment of my life, right here. Jarred took my hand and we exited the stage.

“Dude! We rocked!” Evan shouted as we reentered the crowd to another round of cheering. “Best show, ever.”

There was a round of high fives, in which his hand still never left mine.

Finally, Doug looked over at Jarred, who's arms were now tightly around me.

“Dude, why are you still here? Go spend some alone time with your girlfriend.”

Jarred smiled and lead me off in the opposite direction.

“You did awesome tonight!” I cried turning around and jumping into his embrace. “I had no idea you were in a band!”

“I wanted to surprise you.”

“Well, you did an amazing job of that. You're voice is amazing. I just...can't get over it.”

“And I just can't get over you.” He leaned in, and kissed me. “You know, my friends keep calling you my girlfriend, but I never made it official. For all I know, you don't really want to be.”

“Thats a dumb assumption,” I told him.

He laughed. “I don't care. I'm traditional. I have to ask anyway. Elizabeth, will you be my girlfriend?”

I smiled and said, “yes,” before jumping into his arms again.

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