The Language of Coffee

Just something that popped into my head. This isn't a finished product, I'm aware it needs work.

(Enter, lights come up and we see the exterior of a small cafe, the kind of neighborhood coffee shop every city has. Enter Sean from stage left, brooding while he takes quick strides. Yanking open the coffee shop door we enter interior (scene change shop int.) Sean makes his way to the coffee bar and orders his drink)

Sean: Hey, I'll take a large coffee, black.

Barista: Yes, sir. When you say large do you mean gigante or grande?

Sean: I mean... large. (He says slowly almost confused)

Barista: Oookay sir, (not used to having to explain) I see you're not familiar with how to order coffee, but...

Sean: (interrupting) What are you talking about? I want a large, black coffee.... what is there not to get?! (scowling)

Barista: We have procedures here. (a bit more firmly now) Now... SIR! Do you want a tall, small, grande, gigante or venti?

Sean: What does that even mean?! Those words don't even come from the same language!

Barista: (dead pan) Sir... we all speak the language of curtesy here.

Sean: Court...? You know what....?! No... forget it. What's the difference between a tall, a small and a grande?

Barista: (relieved to be on familiar territory) Ah, a tall is half as tall as a grande but still not as tall as a small. (smiles)

Sean: (visibly confused) Wait... (mumbles) a sma... no wait... a ta... no...(to Barista) What?! Are we speaking a different language again? Most of that sounded like English but I've been wrong before.

Barista: (Sighs and Reciting as you would in grade school): A tall is half as tall as a grande but still not as tall as a small. A grande is greater than small and gigante is greater than grande, which is great by the way! And Venti is biggest of them all! (finishes with unwarranted enthusiasm)

Sean: (Disbelieving look) You poor thing... did they make you lean that in Coffee University along with your foreign "courtesy" lessons?

Barista: (dead pan) Sir ... I don't know what you me...

Sean: (interrupting) ...Never mind. Just please give me a coffee in whatever the biggest container you have is.

Barista: Alright then, Sir! (Happy to have something to note down about the order) Now what kind of coffee do you want? (smiling)

Sean: Just a regular, black.

Barista: (smile fades slightly) Regular Colombian, Regular Arabica, Regular Jamaican Roast, Regular Summer Blend, or Regular Cafe Americana?

Sean: Now I thought we were back to English here... I just want a plain cup of coffee... you do have that right?

Barista: (Getting serious tone) Look... Sir, we pride ourselves on selling the most premium coffee that $3 dollars and 25 cents can buy you. A lot of effort goes into selecting these glorious beans for your enjoyment, there is no such things as a "plain cup of coffee" here! (said with pride)

Sean: (Wanting to bang head against counter) Then I think I'm in the wrong place. I thought this was a cafe. (The Barista just looks confused) You know what...? Why don't you just surprise me? (He says hopefully)

Barista: Really? (excited to make an executive decision) Well, you won't be disappointed Sir! That will be $3.25 and you can pick up your drink at the next window!

Sean: (Handing over cash, giving name and taking receipt) Thank you.

Barista: You're Welcome Sir! And have a percolatingly perfect day!

Sean: Yeah... (awkwardly) ... you too...?

(Sean goes to sit at one of the small tables scattered around the small cafe, all of them seem full so he stands while waiting for his drink)

Second Barista: Venti Jamaican Roast, Black with Room.... for ... Sean? (called out auctioneer style)

(Sean goes up to second counter and is greeted by what looks to be a bucket of very expensive mud)

Second Barista: Here's your order Sir! (handing it over)

Sean: It is?

Second Barista: You did order the venti Jamaican Roast, Black with Room.... right?

Sean: I... (Completely exhausted now) I don't even know anymore. Thanks though. (Wanders off towards tables again with drink to the bemused stare of the second barista)

(Scanning the room Sean spots a decent sized table out of the many small, packed surfaces, that only had one person sitting at it with four empty chairs. Sean approaches)

Sean: Mind if I sit here? The other tables are pretty full.

Karen: (mumbled from behind a newspaper absent-mindedly. Her face is obscured from Seans view but cheated in profile towards audience) Sure... knock yourself out.

Sean: Thanks... I ap... (another exiting patron accidentally knocks into Sean spilling the bucket of coffee all down his front.) reeeeeeeeeEEEAAAAAHhhhhhh!!! Son of a....!!! (Barely stops himself from cursing where everyone in the cafe can hear and see him)

Karen: (absorbed in the newspaper, not noticing) You're welcome, just keep it down please.

Sean: (Left somewhat silent at that shoos away the apologetic patron who is trying to help but making things worse. Decides to sit opposite Karen with a large painful sigh) This is the worst day of my life.

Karen: (Half-hearing, distractedly answers) Now you've probably had a lot of days, this can't be the worst.

Sean: (Looking down at his coffee drenched shirt, shakes head) If it's not I'm kind of worried.

Karen: (Still behind newspaper, pencil in hand, concentrating) Worried? What's there to be worried about? Oh... and what's a seven letter word for "pre-determination"?

Sean: Destiny. (flatly)

Karen: Why are you worried about destiny?

Sean: No... I..

Karen: (paying more attention now) Oh... my word, thanks. You're good at this.

Sean: (Listlessly) Thanks... I...

Karen: (interrupting) What's a four letter word for "Fortunate Happenstance"? (Taking newspaper down and actually looking at Sean for the first time. She stops, surprised, saying quietly): It's always the short ones that stump me.
Sean: (Looking up to catch her stare he sees Karen for the first time as well. He fancies her the most gorgeous woman in the room and after a few seconds realizes she looks familiar but can't place her.) Luck? (He fades)

Karen: (Getting a bit shy because she notices his look and that he is also attractive despite the spilled coffee) What is?

Sean: (Pulling his eyes away, chuckles from nerves) A four letter word for "Fortunate Happenstance". I'm sorry, I'm really bad with names, but you look really familiar…

Karen: Oh Thanks… yeah I was just thinking the same thing. (She really didn't recognize him but didn't want to seem like she wasn't interested. Tries to play it off smoothly) I'm Karen, does that help? (Smiles in lieu of a hand shake)

Sean: (Returns the smile) Sean… and I think maybe… from school? (Suggested hopefully but he has no idea)

Karen: School? Hmmm….Yes! (Really remembering) Junior High! Sean we had homeroom together and you "dated" my sister for like, A DAY! (laughing) I didn't recognize you at first because you grew into your ears! (teasing)

Sean: (Remembering now, blushes a bit) Oh yeah… You're Rose's older sister, I remember now. We were in the same grade and she was one below us. (Pause for a beat) So…you remember ol' Dumbo then… (embarrassed but trying to keep the tone light and teasing)

Karen: (Still giggling a bit) Yeah… I can never forget how excited Rose was when she said you asked her to be your girlfriend. You were the only boy in class who could wiggle your ears. I said that they should be able to do tricks, considering the size and all. (can't help but really laugh again)

Sean: (Gives into her laughing and starts to join himself) Yeah… Yeah… I was real smooth back then. A real play'a. (playful mocking tone, exaggerating last word)

Karen: (Mostly quieting down…mostly) I never did find out what scared you off, Rose was completely devastated for at least three whole class periods when you broke it off. (teasing)

Sean: Truthfully (looking down at table)… I didn't think she would say yes. I had nothing after that… come on, I was 12! What did I know about women?! (laughing it off)

Karen: (still teasing) Ah I see… Don Juan the ear waggler turned chicken! Or should I say pollo? (smirks)

Sean: 'Fraid so… alas that is how many great romances are lost. (chuckling at his own joke) So, how is Rose? (mock serious tone) As you may imagine her devestation has led to a break down in communication.

Karen: How is Rose? (Pause a beat) Married.

Sean: Really? (brings some somber thoughts to mind, he tries to dismiss them quickly)

Karen: Yeah, she is very…married. About three years now, and last year they had my nephew. I barely see her; she's so busy with them. (looks as if she's avoiding something)

Sean: Hmm? (Looks at her questioningly because of her avoidance)

Karen: Okay… ask me what her spouse's name is.

Sean: Her spou… (getting the picture) What's her spouse's name?

Karen: Debra.

Sean: Wow… (pause, not sure what to say) Um… I'm very happy for her. (almost a question)

Karen: (a look of relief on her face, sighs and smiles) That's not what I thought you were going to say.

Sean: (laughing a bit) What did you think…

Karen: (still smiling) I was afraid you'd be weirded out by it, or ask if it was your fault or do something… I don't know! Or be creepy and ask if there are pictures… (starts to laugh)

Sean: (Joins her laughter) No… no…Well, maybe…(second thought) No. Don't worry, after my Uncle Bob became my Aunt Barbra my shockability meter has really gone down.

Karen: Seriously? Maybe it IS your fault then, seems like you attract "different". I'll have to alert my Mother. (smirking, teasing)

Sean: (Nods) It's the natural gravitation of these babies that does it. (mocking tone, points at ears and chuckles)

Karen: (Grins, tension broken) Mom will be relieved to know. (smirk)

Sean: So Rose is married to…Debra and they have a son already. I'm feeling a little behind the curve. Comparatively, I'm nowhere near as hip. (touch of sarcasm)

Karen: The common folk can't all be as trendy as my sister and I (teasing). Her alternative lifestyle and my eternally-single-feminist chic! (laughs a bit)

Sean: (Realizing he loves the sound of her laugh, he could listen to it all day…) Is THAT what feminists do all day? Sip coffee that you have to learn a second language to order and assault random strangers for cross-word answers? (mock surprise) I see… (smile)

Karen: (Smiles) I object… you're no stranger. (looks up shyly from beneath lowered lashes)

Sean: (Distracted by her eyes) … No and I'm glad… I mean, that I got a chance to catch up, you know? (finished quickly) So…uh…how IS that puzzle coming? (Unsure how to distract her from his awkwardness.)

Karen: (Smirking a little) Pretty good actually, you helped me quite a bit.

Sean: I do what I can to aide damsels in distress… I mean 'Feminists'…in ..distress. (teasing)

Karen: (mock offense, looks down at newspaper) What's a Sanskrit word for 'finding most happy coincidence'?

Sean: Hmm… that's a hard one. How much Sanskrit do you know? Maybe we could ask the barista, he's multi-lingual. (sarcasm)

(She just laughs, she loves that he has such a similar sense of humor, pause, thoughtful, then suddenly they both respond)

Karen: I think it's… Sean: I know, it's…

Together: Kismet! (pause, then laughing, a little shy about it)

Karen: (still laughing) I think I figured out the next one too, it's five letters, meaning "overplayed".

Sean: Cliché?! Aww… that's harsh. True, but harsh. (teasing)

(They both look up and share a 'moment', pause)

Sean: This has got to be the best day…

(Karen giggles a little)

Sean: So fill me in, what have I missed in your life since 7th grade?

Karen: (laughing) Everything?!
Sean: (A bit shy) Yeah…(smiles) Everything.

(She begins telling him, lights slowly fade to black, conversation slowly fades to quiet. Fill music here)

----End Scene-----