Cow Tipping

It's all in knowing how.

     The first time we did it, Sam and I picked a clear, almost moonless night in mid-summer. I lived on a lake, and Sam and I often stayed up fishing for bullhead until well after midnight. So, Mom and Dad weren’t suspicious when I said we were going to take the rowboat out on the lake for some night fishing.

 

     “Okay,” said Mom, “just be careful and wear your life jackets.”

 

     “We will,” I promised.

 

     Sam and I made a good show of packing our gear into the boat. We put on our life jackets, got situated, and I pulled the starter rope on the little 3-1/2 horse Johnson motor. It roared to life in a cloud of blue smoke. I grinned at Sam and saw the porch light reflecting off his teeth as he grinned back. “Let’s go,” he said.

 

     Even though nobody else was out on the lake, I made sure to follow the rules. I followed the shoreline in a counterclockwise direction, keeping the noise of the motor down as much as I could. We didn’t want to attract attention, after all, and we sure as heck didn’t want to wake the cows.

 

     Just about halfway around the 90-acre lake from my house was Coomer’s farm. It was a big, family-owned farm that made the air ripe in the spring by using pig manure as fertilizer. We always seemed to be downwind from the place at those times. Luckily, this wasn’t one of them.

 

     Another feature of Coomer’s farm was that the cow pasture ran right to the edge of the lake. It was fenced at the edges, but the lake side was open so the cows could go all the way to the water. After all, it wasn’t like they were going to swim away and escape. This was an important feature for Sam and me because it gave us easy access for tonight’s little raid.

 

     About 200 yards offshore, I cut the engine and got out the oars. One oar bumped against the side of the boat as I tried to align it in the oarlock in the dark.

 

     “Shhhhh!” said Sam. “Man, you’re going to wake them up, or bring old Coomer down here to see what’s going on!”

 

     “All right, all right, I’m trying,” I whispered back. “This isn’t all that easy.”

 

     “Well, get on with it!”

 

     I wrestled the oars into place, pointed the bow of the boat pointed toward the edge of the pasture, dipped the oars into the water and pulled. I was pretty good at this part, and we glided silently through the water while Sam navigated from the bow.

 

     “Good,” he whispered. “A little to the left. No – my left! That’s it. Keep going. Just a little to my right now. A little more. Good. We’re just about there. Okay, we’re beaching.”

 

     The little boat slid up onto the grass and dirt at the lake’s edge. Sam jumped out as quietly as he could and pulled the boat up another two feet. I’d already tilted the motor so the propeller was out of the water. Joining Sam on shore, I pulled at the boat with him until it was halfway on land. “Okay,” I whispered.

 

     We stood for a while, letting our eyes finish adjusting to the dark as we tried to find the cow herd in the slivered moon’s light.

 

     “There,” I whispered at last, pointing to a patch of irregular outlines near the tree line. “That’s got to be them. I studied this area through my telescope earlier and there’s nothing between here and those trees.”

 

     “Watch out for land mines,” Sam chuckled. “Land mines” was our code name for cow pies. That’s dung, for those of you who didn’t grow up in dairy country.

 

     We moved slowly, picking our way across the field with as much stealth as we could muster. We must have been quiet enough. When we reached the herd they didn’t move an inch, even when Sam nearly stumbled into the nearest cow. I couldn’t believe we’d made it, but there they were, standing dead still, all sound asleep. One or two even made little snoring sounds. I heard Sam suppress a laugh.

 

     Before we got here, we’d agreed that I’d “do the deed” while Sam kept a lookout. There were two things we definitely didn’t want: to get caught by farmer Coomer, or to have the cows wake up and trample us in the dark.

 

     I gauged the distance to the nearest cow. She was five feet away and I could just make out the shape of a bell hanging from her neck. That could be trouble. A lone cow stumbling around in the dark was one thing, but a clanging cowbell that set off the rest of the herd was something else.

 

     I checked out another cow. She had a bell, too. I sighed. Chances were that all of them had bells. I could either waste my time in a futile search for a bell-free cow, or I could do what we came to do. I wasn’t about to back out now and have Sam laugh at me for the rest of our lives.

 

     I edged forward until I was only a foot away from the nearest cow. I moved my hand only an inch at a time until I was almost touching her. Then I moved it even more slowly. I could feel her body heat on my palm.

 

     Closer. Closer. Contact!

 

     My touch was no more than the weight of a fly on her skin. She twitched. My heart raced in panic, but she didn’t wake. I gently felt my way toward the right spot.

 

     If I’d been a professional pickpocket, I don’t think I could have managed any better. My fingers found her bell collar and, without ringing the bell or jarring Bessie from her sleep, I tucked a slip of paper beneath it. Then I turned and quickly tiptoed away.

 

     “That was cool,” Sam said.

 

     “Yeah,” I grinned. “I really didn’t think we could pull it off. I’ve got one question, though.”

 

     “What’s that?”

 

     “Are you sure 5 dollars wasn’t too much?”

 

 

 

Author's Note

Yes, I blush to admit it, but 'tis a bit of a shaggy cow story. And the only truth in it is the setting.

Reviews

[THERISA]

Amusing exploit, that only young boys would do. But, why did you leave $5 behind you? Just curious. Been using landmines for years, to cover all types of animal droppings, when walking on grass and know that people haven't been picking up after their dogs.

[Devon Bagley]

Can't improve upon perfection. The setup and the tone were all so perfect, and the end hit me from left field. I love stories like this. Well-written, well-executed, and funny.

Bloody hell, I was bracing myself for something dirty. ahahaha. but maybe that's just my own strange mind.
quite an unexpected ending.

[C. Harter Amos]

Clever! A new and kinder cow tip! Spread the trend and you may have found a way to save the farmers. Very cute play on words and well written. I was right there with you tip-toeing my way toward the cow, trying not to wake her. Enjoyed reading this. I love surprise endings.

[Samuel Dickens]

Not even one ol' bossie on her side, wallowing to get up. All the time I was thinking, "When they push 'em over, I hope they land on some soft grass and not a pile of jagged rocks." My worries were unfounded, it seems. The only after-midnight adolescent tom-foolery I was ever involved in was watermelon-stealing. The stolen ones are sweeter, you know.
Well, I enjoyed the ride, Daryl, even if it only produced a cow with a little beer money.

[Ray Hamilton]

With today's prices of everything, I'm sure $5.00 wasn't too much :) LOL
This was wonderful I sure didn't expect the ending :)
Well penned
I enjoyed
Ray

[Mark D. Chevalier]

Damn that was good Daryl. I needed that laugh today. "Cow Tipping!" LOL
You have some wild imagination there my friend. I was absolutely sure that I knew what was going to happen and then you turned it on its head. Excellent story.
M

[Carrie Montgomery]

now that I have wiped sweet tea off the keyboard...nice one! Too cute!

[Blackbirdsong]

Oh groan!!!! I just got it!!!! I'm here like $5...huh? and then....wow you got me big time Daryl! LOL You're the O. Henry of writer's cafe. Great job on this. I felt the tension building throughout and it worked well. Of course I have heard about actual cow tipping up here, heck they even have a cow pie throwing contest somewhere, but I will never go...that is something I can live without seeing or smelling...blech

[An Ordinary Woman]

LMAO ... So did you tip her?

I always LOVE stories such as these, having a few of my own, too. You have no idea friend, reading this was exactly what I needed today.

I saw this a few days ago but didn't have time or concentration to read it but I just knew I'd be back to read it, I'm so glad I did. Thx for this!!

Still smilin' ....

[Genie]

As a former waitperson, I sure woulda loved a $5 tip -- so what'd the cow do for hers?!?

Thanks for the guffaw, Daryl. This was great! The details, developing the suspense, then to come to the final act ... You're right. It IS all in knowing how to do it, and you do! Grand job, my friend!