i almost broke

a long toxic relationship

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at a point of time in my life i was young and dumb ... so i met this guy right ? and we hit it off for about 2 years , it was a toxic relationship, very damaging and so unhealthy i became unhealthy w myself , he didn’t notice but i knew what most of the cause was , i feel like it was mainly him because he was suppose to be my shoulder to cry on .. so in the beginning it was all peaches and cream , good vibes and s**t �'� but so many people was in my ear telling me to leave him alone , i didn’t listen , i was so “ in love “ i didn’t care what anybody thought but they was only looking out for me , i argued people down for this guy and all but that’s not the point , so boom after like 5/6 months into the relationship he had to go back to wherever so basically this is a long distance relationship now , he said he was gunna come back but he never did but barely so we kept it going on for like for the rest of the year til the new year , things started getting hectic , we were arguing all day long , disrespecting each other , just a whole lot of negative energy . but i was still pushing for us to be what we were at first , all that bad energy affected my focus and i became depressed , i wasn’t being loved how i was suppose to be and i started doing things that wasn’t in my character , things like if you get to know me you probably would be like “ damn i ain’t know you was like that “ but back to the point ... then my mom passed and i needed him the most , he knew how i felt , he wasn’t there , didn’t even make an effort to come back to me and be my shoulder to cry on , don’t get me wrong people was there for me but i was so “ in love “ w this person ... now i’m drained ... i’m so into this depression i don’t reach to anybody i stopped caring even came to a point where i was having suicidal thoughts.. mind you i’m still pushing for him to notice me again , we still talked , he filled my head up w hopes and dreams , a whole bunch of lies basically , i wanted closure but he didn’t wouldn’t give it to me ... i’m still pushing to be w him and now he’s just disrespecting me and i’m allowing it , i didn’t say nothing i would always say sorry but in all reality i didn’t do anything it was him the whole time , he was doing wrong so he wanted to make me think i was doing wrong , but i had my faults , i admit that , i made mistakes , i don’t regret anything i did because it made me grow & he almost broke me but i didn’t break