Chapter 1

Her hair swayed in the wind as she made her way towards her house. A weak howling echoed around the setting. Rosie shivered under her coat, and not because she was cold. 

An arch stood in front of her, the white marble draped in a thick coat of blood. Staring at it, shocked, she gasped in fear and anger. 

Who’s blood is this? Also, more importantly, who put it there? Is this a threat? Rosie wondered inside her head. 

“I know who put it there,” A low, clear voice stated behind her.

Sighing, obviously recognizing the voice, she turned to stare at the one person that she hated most.

“Will you tell me?” She asked, not blinking as she continued her staring. Blood was poured over his grey shirt and a long, deep cut was planted across his chest. 

“I killed her.”

“Who?” She gasped. She was a bit scared and started taking anxious steps back from him.

“Well, the girl. She was muttering something strange over and over,” He started, finding it hard to continue. “She was holding a corpse and rubbing the corpse’s blood all over the gate. I was walking to the store when I noticed her. To be honest, she was hard not to notice. She had black hair, long claws instead of nails and glowing yellow eyes. I saw a broken bottle on the sidewalk and grabbed it. I threw it at her and she... she ... she evaporated ...”

He faded off, knowing he wasn’t making sense... adleast to normal people. Note on the word “normal” and “people”.

“Where is the corpse?” Rosie asked.

Author's Note

Please let me know any feedback... it's highly appreciated. Thank you! xoxo

Reviews

[byPatKeegan]

Some feedback -

It's interesting and kept me reasonably engaged.

Constructively speaking, i would modify how her thoughts appear. There is not necessarily a right or wrong way, but there are generally accepted 'better' ways.

The first is - there is no need to add "Rosie wondered inside her head"; clearly it is not you, the writer, asking those questions, it is always assumed to be the character asking those questions.

The second thing is - it's generally not good to mix tense between thoughts and narration (although it can be done).

So that quick paragraph would go something like this:

Whose blood was it? More importantly, who splashed it upon the arch? Was it some kind of threat?

Another good technique/tip i learned is never to leave only the physical effects of emotion on the page. If you've got something physiologically happening to your character that represents emotions like gasping, shaking, sweating, trembling, heaving, etc. it's good to follow up with a thought - because emotions like fear, anger, embarassment, etc. are NOT unique - we all have them, and we all respond in generally the same way - our hearts race, our palms sweat, our knees tremble, etc.

So if our emotions are not unique, then it is our thoughts about them that make us unique. It lets us know the mind of the character, and once we can do that we can identify with the character and you have us hooked. If we don't create identification, our readers lose interest.

It would turn this:

"Who?” She gasped. She was a bit scared and started taking anxious steps back from him.

into something like this:

Who?” She said with a gasp. Fear crept slowly into her veins. Would he slash her too? She took small, anxious steps, backing slowly away. Could she outrun him if he gave pursuit? Well she sure as hell would give it all she got.

See the difference? Obviously you know your characters better, so my example is probably crude at best.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. Well, that's just me :)

[Daniela Jamiso]

Thank you xx Don't say sorry this has really helped me!!!! Dont say sorry :)

[byPatKeegan]

I'm glad. Thanks.

[dainemyles]

I love horror. I can not wait to read this book. It sounds very interesting.

[Daniela Jamiso]

Thank you :*

[Daniel Periera]

Wow, amazingily written. I love it, it's amazing!

[Daniela Jamiso]

Thanks :)

[zainul]

Awesome!

[Daniela Jamiso]

Thank you xxx

[Relic]

Short for a chapter but I think it's well done. Watch the words "at least" at the end. Nice writing.

[Daniela Jamiso]

Thanks :D

[Relic]

You're welcome Daniela.

[Daniela Jamiso]

:D

[Relic]

:D

[Daniela Jamiso]

:D

[Relic]

:))

[Daniela Jamiso]

:))

[Relic]

:/

[Daniela Jamiso]

ok lets stop now :D

[Relic]

Ok lets. LOL

[Daniela Jamiso]

LOL

[BCBates]

I like it! I thought it was very gripping, and leaves the reader in suspense.
Well done!

[Daniela Jamiso]

Thanks :) xoxo

[Geon Quuin]

There are sentences that didn't read right for me. This felt rushed. I think you need to expand more on this one. Also, I think it would be a good idea to control yourself from using ellipses.

[Daniela Jamiso]

Okay thanks :)

[patti]

is really creactive chapter, I was hoocked from the first line. Very descriptive writing... Good job really enjoyed reading that

[Daniela Jamiso]

Thanks :)