A new beginning

Well yesterday happened, the days leading to yesterday were tough. They were emotional and confusing. I had no idea what to expect. I tend to play out all situations and scenarios in my head in hopes that I could prepare for what was about to happen, I spent countless amounts of hours on the internet reading posts of other people's stories. I spoke with people in hopes I could gain some sort of insight as to what to expect or maybe gain some information that I had not yet read or thought of myself.

What happened yesterday I could never prepare for. I met a 13 year old girl who looks like me, she acts like me at times, and from what it seemed she thinks like me. I always thought people were more a product of their environment than anything else. I could not have been more wrong. I never would have guessed this mini would be anything like me.

The moment I saw her I fell in love with. Thats not to say I never loved her because I did. I always had, ever since the moment she was the size of a peanut. This love was different and there is absolutely no way I can describe it. I felt like a part of me had been returned after being gone for so many years.

There honestly couldn't have been a better start to an already perfect day. As I walked towards our meeting place Tannis and I had agreed on I saw both Lainey and her mom walking towards me. (On a side note, the thought that I wouldn't recognize the two of them had crossed my mind regardless of how many pictures I had seen of the both of the. To be honest I cant tell you how many times I stared at the pictures of Lainey I had) When I saw them I knew who they were instantly. My heart skipped and my feet stumbled as I walked towards them. I had so many thoughts going through my head yet when I tried to speak nothing came out. All I could do was hug her and try to maintain my composure. As I held her I said “Hi” as gentle and sincere and I could possibly say. The two letters had so much meaning, and spoke so many words. They meant hi as intended, they meant I’ve missed you so much, they meant I love you so much. I don’t think I could have said more even if I tried.

We proceeded inside after our initial meet and got ourselves something to drink. As she sat across from her mom I still had no words. All I could think is wow, she does look like me, regardless of what I had heard I didn't actually see it. Not until I saw her face to face. I had so many questions to ask and so many things to say but was terrified to say them. I didn't want to push anything upon her or force her to answer anything she was uncomfortable answering. I think maybe because I was afraid I wasn't what she had expected, or maybe I was and that wasn't a good thing. Maybe she wouldn't like me, maybe she was afraid of me. Instead I let things be as they were and tried to feel everything out. Small talk commenced, as she talked I watched in awe. She was beautiful, more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.

We sat and talked for a while before deciding to go do some shopping, I know right, me shopping? It’s hard to believe. I am a get in and get out kind of guy. I don’t spend hours in a mall looking for things. I always know what I want. I go, I get it and I leave. It was different at that moment, I wanted to do ANYTHING and go ANYWHERE she wanted to go. I didn't want to leave her side, not for a single moment.  At times while following I would catch myself staring at her. No thoughts, nothing to say at that exact moment. I was soaking everything in and processing what I could.

As the day went on we continued to talk, it wasn't hard questions as I had imagined, nothing was hard at all at this point. Things came so easily.

Soon came lunch. The night before was a sleepless one, and yesterday morning the last thing I could do was think of food so when it came time to eat I was starving. Up to this point I felt like Lainey had tried to maintain some sort of distance between the two of us wherever we went. Now I can't say that was a bad thing. It’s natural. I didn't expect this little girl to even like me at this point so I understood wholeheartedly her wanting to keep her distance. She didn't even know me.

As we took our seat at the restaurant Lainey sat next to her mom, as I had expected, I took my seat across from her. Mainly because I wanted to see her, I wanted to look at her. (Something I could never get enough of might I add) moments later Lainey stood up and said “I’m going to come sit next to you”. Now we take things for granted in life. Some things mean nothing to us while it means the word to someone else. This was one of those things. This was the moment I knew things were going to be alright. Over lunch we sat and talked. Again no hard questions, not the questions I had expected.  Keeping in mind I had imagined the worst. I expected animosity and anger.

I had bought Lainey a few things the week leading to our meet so over lunch she opened them. I can honestly say this was one of the moments I will always remember about yesterday. The look on her face and she saw her gifts. I tried to keep the gifts as simple as I could without compromising the feelings and emotions I had put into them. (another side note, when I was heading to the store to buy her something I had no idea what to get her, I have never bought anything for a 13 year old girl because, or not in my adult life anyhow let alone not knowing what she liked would make it difficult. Or so I thought. I knew the moment I saw the gift that it was “the one”). I guess the reason I wanted to keep the gift as simple as possible is because things were so very new. I didn't want a new relationship with her to be based on material items. My step dad (Darcy) had based years of our relationship on what he could buy me not what he could do for me or even how much he cared. I will never repeat that.

As I had hoped she loved her gifts. I made a joke to her about what she could wear the necklace with to her prom as she had told me prior she wanted to go in a greenday shirt and jeans. We had a laugh together, maybe one of our firsts.

As lunch ended I was invited back to their hotel where we could sit and talk, I could spend some time with Lainey before they left for the concert. Of Course I like the idea. I would then meet them at the hotel and we could continue our day.

As we sat waiting for Tannis to check into the hotel Lainey and I had a talk. We all know at this point I have a tattoo on my right arm. The torn heart with stitches pills and a halo. Lainey knows the meaning of the tattoo. She asked me a question I wasn't prepared for. It wasn't a hard question just unexpected. “What do you tell people when they ask about your tattoo” Now, I have not nor will I ever hide the fact that I had a daughter when I was younger that was adopted by two amazing people. I explained to her how I tell people about my tattoo. I had a feeling she thought maybe I wanted to hide her. That I was ashamed of her. That I didn’t want people to know about her. This has never been the case nor will it ever be the case.

We proceeded to the room where we would sit and talk some more, more “difficult” questions were asked and I answered them as I had originally intended, truthfully and sincere. I wanted her to know that there wasn't a single question she couldnt ask me. There is nothing I wouldn't tell her.

This whole time I was still very unsure of what to ask her, or how to ask her the questions I had.

ME “Lainey, what were you most afraid would happen today”

Lainey “I was afraid you wouldn't like me”

I can honestly say that might have been the hardest moment of the entire day. How could I NOT like her, how could I NOT love her. In my eyes she is perfect. She is a part of me as I am a part of her. Even thinking about it now as I write that I get tears to my eyes. I really can't explain why that affected me the way it did. It triggered something and I can't say what it was.

The night went on without any problems. The silence wasn't awkward, the smiles weren't forced and neither was the conversation.

The time was coming where they would have to leave soon for the concert. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I was presented with the option of walking them down to the concert and heading back to the hotel where I could wait for them if I wanted. I was given an opportunity to spend more time with Lainey and there was no way I could pass that up. While they were at the concert I went for something to eat with mom. We talked a bit about what had conspired throughout the day but I tried to keep things as brief as possible. It was mine and Lainey’s day and I wanted to keep it that way for as long as I could.

I headed back to the hotel just in time to receive a message saying they were done. I went and met them again. We made our way back to the hotel where we would yet again talk.

As the night got late we all made plans to go for breakfast in the morning. I had originally wanted that but I at the same time I did not want to smother lainey at all. Every time I was asked if I wanted to do something, if it be wait at the hotel while they were gone or whatever I asked for Lainey's opinion. It mattered to me. I didn't want her to be forced to be around me if she had already had enough.

So, the night before was a night of little to no sleep, for myself and I could only assume for the two of them as well. I could see on Lainey's face she was exhausted. Given the option so just stay the night at the hotel where we could all get up in the morning as go for lunch was brought up and again, I asked Lainey what she thought.

The night went on and everyone fell asleep. Now I do have to say that might have been the most awkward part for me just because it was so far out of left field and I didn't expect to be there at that moment. As Lainey slept all I could do was think. Think of the things I didn’t say, or maybe think of the things I said that might have not been the way I wanted to say them.

I proceeded to write a letter to her on my phone. Something I could let her read if she wanted that reiterated everything I had told her throughout the day. A letter where I could tell her that the fears she had going into all of this were the exact same fears I had.

Instead of going for breakfast this morning we sat around and talked some more.  I can tell you this. I could sit in the same room as her and talk to her for days. I could never get sick of hearing her voice and seeing her smile.  

At this point there was one thing I had wanted to say that I never said. I didn’t know how to say it. I wanted her to know that at she is so lucky to have the parents that she has. I would never do anything to jeopardize the relationship they have. I wanted her to know that her dad is her dad and I could never nor would I ever try and compete with him, there is NOTHING anyone could ever do or say that could ever change that or take that away from her.

So still at this point even though yesterday felt right, even though it went well I was still very unsure of the future. I didn't know if this was going to be a one time meet, say hi get to know ya and that would be it. So I asked her as simple as I could if she would want to talk to me again, I then told her that I would love to be a part of her life for the rest of her life if she would allow me.

There are parts left out and I did that for a reason. There were some emotional parts that will remain unspoken at this point because they are things I shared with Lainey and would like them to stay that way for now.