Mid-mandate Address to The Nation

Mi presidenteeeeeeeee

Citizens, ladies, gentlemen, beloved men and women of our glorious country, at this mid-point in my presidency I wish to reflect upon the successes of our party's mandate to date.

   Modest am I, yet I must place these laurels on my own head, so gargantuan have been my achievements during my lauded and applauded time in office. History shall recall the epic feats signed into law knowingly by my very own hand.

   Where to begin, where to begin indeed - our accolades are so multitudinous I am at a loss for words at my own brilliance. Nevertheless, in this state of the nation address, I shall begin thus:

   In not two years my party and myself have been perverting justice and dismissing police superintendants to fend off clear indications of corruption, bribery, influence peddling, and what appears to be outright embezzlement of public funds in a few not very subtle scams; not only that, but also we have perverted justice by ruining at least two honest judges careers for following the law - at the same time as defending the right of affluent thieves and embezzlers to not face trial.

   Our policies have broken every single election promise, and this we did knowingly at the time, and we have succeeded in decimating a country with a ransacking not seen since the previous American administration - but we still have a long way to go in this respect, I and my corporate friends and owners will not rest until we have taken every last cent from you - the powerless people. I can proudly say, head held high, our only policy in fact has been to divert as much public money as possible to Swiss bank accounts, or to our and our friends' pockets, in as little time as possible, as you never know how long a criminal gravy train will last before it derails or your victims run out of ready cash to steal.

   At this juncture in my reign, I mean presidency, I and my equally repellent criminal, ideologically unsound ministers, and other pitiful cronies, have worked hard to make this country a throwback to the original banana republic, and to the good ole olden days of feudal lords and miserably hungry serfs, as you can all appreciate. But..., but I must continue to blame this ransacking and perpetual violation of the constitution I harp on about when it suits my needs on the European Union, the crisis, and anything and anyone else I can blame in the vain hope some-one will believe my flights of fancy and preposterous lying.  'Though I am not on medication, it would seem so, so incredible are the things I do and say, despite the facts which surround me.

   So, to date we have as a collective - similar to the Italian Mafia who bought milk producing companies as fronts for their activities, wherein criminals could masquerade as businessmen - swindled the majority out of the following things: a legal system, housing, healthcare, the right to protest peacefully in physical or intellectual form, and have commandeered women's bodies in a way only a domestic abuser would have dared to, for our deranged, superior delusional quasi-religious dictatorial mentality - that of zealous, compulsively lying, kleptomaniac sociopaths - makes us think we are actually right and you are always wrong about anything which doesn't suit our little minds, plus we have no real policies for you, the people, so we will just continue ruining your lives with the personal whims of hypocritical tyrants and thieves - those of our own invention and those of our puppet-masters.

  To speak conceitedly of my absolute majority, when only some thirty percent of the population voted at the last elections is not only vainglorious but a good hint about what you should all do at the next elections: use your right to vote (unless we ban elections, which we're capable of doing), this isn't Syria, yet. Apathy and disillusion with the farcical democratic system in place is neither protest nor empowered decision-making, I only got in on illegally obtained election funds, and a lack of right-minded people voting; yes  - my absolute majority where only thirty percent or so of the nation voted, an absolutely risible majority indeed.

   In my ignoble and beyond mediocre, miserable time in office, following orders and my personal greed and bigotry I have managed to betray, short-change and begin to dismantle, besides alienate, the following sectors: health, education, lower ranking civil service, the army, the various police forces, judge's associations, the fire service, labour unions, transport workers, municipal cleaning staff, to name but a few, not to mention the autonomous regions I short-change to my city's advantage, especially one region I see as my property, because they have money I don't that I want to steal in the future. And in the personal realm, we have gladly seen many of you lose your jobs, homes - but still have to pay the mortgage on a repossessed property, lose all hope of state subsidies in times of need, even have your water cut off in times of dire poverty and hardship, and blithely watch as children fish in school bins for food, we've certainly thrilled to hearing how well we're demoralising and crippling your spirit when thirty-three percent more of you turn to anti-depressants to cope with the stress of the imposed hardship and fleecing we are carrying out.  And as you know, there are many more feathers in our cap.

   So, to sum up, I feel confident I have managed to cheat and anger all of the above, quite a feat in less than two years; when my creative accounting staff did the numbers, it would seem that in a country of around forty-five or so million people at least thirty million of them most certainly have axes to grind with me personally and the rest of my entourage of fakes. Two-thirds of a country against you is a real achievement indeed for a lowly thief like myself. That I am known to be a liar, corrupt, a lapdog to corporate interests and a traitor to my country with my actions are things I hope will be written of me in my memoirs.

   I will leave you with this thought, when investing you should beware conmen who are known to say "No client will lose a penny.", likewise, when one who allegedly rules claims: "The banks will pay the money back.", maybe it is worth comparing the similarity of both sentences and wondering if I, your president, am nothing more than a cheap, obvious, conman who has siphoned off millions in public funds to his banking friends for a hefty kickback.

   Citizens, tonight I shall dine well at your miserable expenses, and I mock you all by being protected by security forces who also loathe me, at your expense. There are only at least thirty million of you who have an axe to grind with me and my fellow deranged pseudo-religious mafiosos who seriously believe we are the chosen people and you are here to serve our greeds, I mean needs, all thirty million plus who would like to personally get your hands on me.  In my deluded, lying, vulgar outlook, I am victimised, so two-thirds of a nation must be wrong if they don't agree with me.

   Goodnight, and enjoy the tyranny of this kleptocracy, I shall continue to live in a parallel universe where I like to say by rote tomorrow will be better for all of you, whereas you will continue to live in the real world I and my criminal friends are creating for our own, personal benefit, to your chagrin. Let us rejoice that despite all evidence to the contrary I still seriously doubt I will be forced to resign sooner or later, so conceited and deluded am I.

   Long live the reign of the criminal elite, destroying society for a quick buck and a sadistic joy-ride on the masses heads.  It's not tyranny and theft, you are all wrong, it is all just part of an inevitable economic cycle.

  Long live the criminal elite who steal from the good, the honest, the poor and the weak.  Viva me and your money!

Reviews

[Lyn Anderson]

I cannot BELIEVE no one has commented on this. This is BRILLIANT. Even though I am not versed with the details of the politics there, you articulated it candidly, with beautiful wit and sarcasm. The only thing I would say, is it might be easier to read if it were larger and spaced better. This is amazing.

[Daniel Sala]

Hi, thank you for your appreciation of the piece, and I will take heed of your suggestion, thanks.

[TL Boehm]

brains are a hard sell here. but I found the bite and wit of this to be delicious, delightful - refreshing like a twist of lime in a good tequila. Well done. More of this please. Another shot.

[Delmar Cooper]

KL Goode referred this to me to read and comment.

I glanced over some other comments and noticed the words,"brilliant" and "sarcasm." I agree that it is sarcastic and disagree about brilliant. It could be brilliantly done if the interpertation of the sarcasm was left to the reader. As it stands it is a diatribe rather than an ironic panegyric. Diatribes have an obvious agenda and most readers aren't entertained by the obvious. Bear in mind the substance of the imposed "truth" of this piece means nothing to me only the way it is presented - the writing of the thing, not the allegations and accusations. All politicians are something to be scraped off your shoe sole as far as I am concerned.

I think the piece would be more effective and entertaining if irony could be used in place of the transparent sarcasm, if reader discover was allowed instead of the reader being preached at. The narrator is a "strawman" a logical fallacy that does nor persuade or convince, although it will draw amens from the choir of the previously converted.

This isn't great political polemic and it misses the brilliant mark by a long shot. Taken apart and examined bit by bit every word could be true gospel but as written and delivered it is not a success.

Cooper

[Daniel Sala]

Hi thanks for your dull, patently bitchy review, and my piece was addressed to a specific politician for me to let off steam, not to impress "converts", but if you feel better in preachy pseudo cyber-academia on WC, bully for you, "matey", you maybe need to lay off the testosterone pills, eh. When I no longer write for fun - but scribble snobby insults as you do as a competition of slagging others off while pretending to be constructive - I'll be sure to purchase your series of books on literary criticism. Your unoriginal and obvious comments show thinly-veiled bitterness and an unpleasant nature, "matey", I am an amateur writer who does it for fun, and have never considered my work "brilliant", but as you are aggressively rude and unsubtle, now I know the class of person you are. Next time ignore suggestions from others to save yourself time, so I don't have to wipe people like you off the sole of my shoe, and go back to your angst-ridden bitchy writer's circle while your trying to mark territory like a dog, I know your sort well.

[Delmar Cooper]

Glad I could help.

[Vidya Bacchus]

You tell 'im Daniel I was wondering if you would let that go .You rock :)

[Leslie Philibert]

Nice radical write with lots of black humour..

[Daniel Sala]

Thanks for the kind words.

[Vidya Bacchus]

Your cutting sarcasm is as rapier sharp as ever my friend.Indeed politicians,if we were to read between the lines would tell us exactly this .It made me smile and applaud your brilliance of your writing.

[Daniel Sala]

Many thanks for reading the piece and I'm glad you have enjoyed it.

I was just rehearsing for when I become a politician.

[Vidya Bacchus]

Well you have it down:)

[Raymond Federle]

I agree with KL on this. Absolutely BRILL. You sir are an artist. It's a shame a lot of people on here shy away from longer written pieces...they are missing out! :)

[Daniel Sala]

Thanks for reviewing the work so positively, Raymond.