Added Value Poll

A little survey

Please circle the appropriate option if you would like the above title to be:

a) Market Research      b) Focus Group Results

c) Customer Survey     d) Empowered Interactive Clients

 

Are you:

· Male            · Female          · Transgender

· My country's archaic, -phobic laws won't let me decide for myself

 

· Single     · Married     · Separated   · Divorced   · Widowed

· "It's complicated"     · Really lonely     · Don't know

 

Circle your age band:

· A glint in my parents' eyes        ·0 - 15        · 16 - 25

· 26 - 35     · 36 - 45    · 46 - 55    · 56 - 65   · 66 - 75   · 76+

 

Are you:

· Employed     · Self-employed       · Retired

· Unemployed       · Student

· Something vague as your actual job title embarrasses you

· Involved in criminal activities

· Part of the aristocracy and/or elite

  · Other           · Don't know

 

What is your earnings bracket:

· I'm bankrupt          · 0 - 10,000         · 10,000 - 25,000

· 25,000 - 50,000        · 50,000+        · Rather not say

· Depends on how many bank jobs and/or ram raids I pull off that week

· Fluctuates depending on how well my phishing campaigns work

· Fluctuates dependent on how many of our mules get caught at customs or the bribes I need to pay

· I cannot tell a lie, honestly, believe me - those are not slush funds and nor have I ever accepted back-handers

· It is astronomical because I fiddle stock prices, commodities and markets, but only once a month to avoid detection

· Untraceable because I keep my undeclared ill-gotten wealth in high-tech storage vaults and/or fiscal paradises

· I trade in souls, therefore they have no monetary value, only the kick I get out of seeing others' needless suffering

 

Do you read:

· Books       · Magazines        · Journals  

· Technical publications         · Newspapers

· Public toilet walls         · Food labels

· Partner's text messages  

· Other people's e-mails, private correspondence and/or diaries

· Everything said about you obsessively, and sue anybody who isn't adulatory

· Every single electronic communication sent around the world every day, just in case there's some juicy gossip

· Literature you don't understand, but which looks good held up for others to see on the train, bus, in a hip café, etc.

· Gullible people's palms and minds, hoping they don't figure out you're a fraud before they've paid you

· The small print in contracts/end user agreements before signing something, when given the chance

· The hundreds of Bills, laws, letters, and so on, thrust on your desk by your staff every day, before rubber-stamping them

· Anything which is actually longer than 140 characters on a regular basis

· The writing on the wall

 

What sort of films do you usually watch:

· Romance      · Comedy     · Drama       · Historical

· Action      · Science Fiction     · Pornography

· What is 'in' according to the Press    · Whatever is on telly

· Anything free (of DRM) on the Internet

 

Which closest describes your online modus operandi, more than one is possible:

· I don't know what's happening or what I'm doing, it's all very confusing but seems like fun.

· If I have to do anything other than click wildly on buttons and links I get tired quickly.

· I don't see why I should have to expend energy scrolling down a page or bothering to read any instructions.

· I need to Google the words "dictionary" and "encyclopedia" to find out what they mean.

· Internet is synonymous with non-presential and meaningless relationships which fill my existential void.

· I can tell extravagant lies about myself to complete strangers, and be incredibly rude as they can't find me.

· What did people do in the olden days for communication and entertainment before social networks existed?

· I do everything but eat, sleep and my toileting over the Internet, but I live in hope of those too soon.

· If the Internet went offline for even an hour I would need PTSD treatment for months.

· I am finding it hard keeping up with this survey as my five-minute attention span is all but exhausted.

 

 

Which most grabs your attention:

· Cute pictures of kittens

· Photoshopped beautiful famous people

· "Funny" videos of people having accidents

· Tales of woe asking you to forward them to anyone you know, and/or send money to a doubtful account number

· Spurious headlines

· News about what famous people wear, or what they did last night

· Adverts for free services/products which make you create an account, then ask for money, and spam you endlessly

· Blogs written describing what Johnny/Jane Nobody had for breakfast, lunch and dinner, every day

· Suspicious links you know you will regret clicking on, but do so out of foolish curiosity just to see what happens

 

 

Thank you for taking the time to fill in our survey, you will now be entered into a competition to win a worthless gimmicky electronic device, but don't get your hopes up, it is a lie so you feel better about the time spent on this market research, no-one ever gets the device as no-on will ever find out we are fibbing. Now enjoy the story:

 

   There was this man and this woman and they lived a life and were, erm, happy ever after, I think, and probably had some children, or they didn't, maybe a dog, a funny and clever one that makes you laugh, that's always popular. They were poor underdogs, or successful over-achievers, and had a tiny, terraced house and a couple of top of the range cars, ooh " and a swimming pool and a golf course at their palace mansion house, and it was always sunny there, except for the days it rained or snowed a lot, which was most of the year. And apparently they never worried about bills or anything like normal people do, or they did, and had loads of arguments due to the stress of living which eventually led to a divorce.

   To keep your interest, something bad happened to the man or to the woman, or the kids, whatever, but the man saved the day because he's a man, and he did it with guns and stunts and stuff, and then he hugged his missus and his kids while some cheesy insincere moral was said by some-one or other, then they all went for a pizza.

   Or if you prefer, the woman was the heroine of the film, maybe going through hardship, but being strong and diligent and ending up above the glass ceiling after being a real estate agent or a teacher or a doctor or something else you like, but with a well-practiced wistful, dreamy, sad look in her eyes, like that of some-one pampered and loaded who has practiced trying to imagine what hardship feels like in front of the mirror for hours.

   We can also offer the suspense thriller plot where the family are all stalked by a dangerous nut, but together they beat the perp, stuff that would never happen in reality as the news often shows with terrible senseless crimes taking the lives of innocent people.

   If you are more of a clueless, conspiracy angry-at-the-world type, we can offer some outrageously overpaid conformist game-playing actor/actress "railing against" corruption or greed somewhere or other in the world, in a film that is fascinatingly toned down and avoids the real issues like the plague, so nothing changes - but you can root for your famous buddy up there, and turn the other cheek to how some-one earning millions with no soul can be such a pseud and a hypocrite while you continue to be exploited and maybe even starve, at least he or she is on your side, in the movie and for the promotional interviews to plug it, they may even send some t-shirts to starving people somewhere to show their solidarity.

   We will decide the final version of this story after a few pre-selected target audiences see all the possible endings and tell us which version they liked most, to the utter frustration and angry impotence of the original writer, whose story now no longer even resembles their academic essay on medieval religious persecution, which took them years to research by the way, but they sold the rights to their book, have to live with the consequences and spend the rest of their life in bitter silence, detesting the vacuous screenwriter who "edited" their original work, and whose main talent is turning gems into turds that make money with meaningless art devoid of culture, and are often void of the facts if they spoil a good cliché.

 

The end.

 

 

If you would prefer the dog to be a cat, circle the appropriate choice below:

· Dog                  · Cat

 

 

Please tick the format you are most comfortable with watching over and over again:

· If you just want a nicey feelgood story that looks deep, but is shallower than a puddle, tick here:

· If you prefer a ridiculous horror film that scares you shitless to help forget life's real horrors, tick here:

· If you have kids, and want to instil bigoted, reactionary values in a subliminal way, tick here:

· If you're a saddo who lives for the thrill of nearly seeing some famous woman naked for one second, tick here:

· If you love to see endless violence - but only on a screen from the safety of your living room, tick here:

· If you like to see your favourite actors in spacesuits doing cool stuff on expensive film sets, tick here:

· If you would like to see a historical drama, loosely - very loosely - based on fact, tick here:

· If you want to watch others suffering so you can feel relieved about your lot in comparison, tick here:

· If you want to laugh at jokes/scripts which were first aired in 1930 - '40, and badly copied nowadays, tick here:

· If you think it is pitiful to have to decide the ending of a film based on a few test audiences' reactions to several possible versions in order to choose the one most likely to make more money, stop going to see these movies, it is beyond make-believe.

 

 

Please evaluate this survey on a scale of 1 - 10, where:

· 1 - Awful       · 2 - Less Awful     · 3 - Not quite as awful

· 4 - Hhmmm      · 5 - So-so     · 6 - Seen worse

· 7 - Bearable       · 8 - Not as long as I'd dreaded

· 9 - I enjoyed it, I like to help others, I'm a people pleaser · 10 - I'm a survey junkie. Got any more?

 

 

Thanks for your time, please don't hang up just yet, we will now ask you a few quick questions about how the survey felt to you, for internal company processes:

· Did the survey attend you quickly? Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.

· Did the survey solve your query? Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.

· Was the survey courteous and efficient? Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.

· Did you like the survey's general attitude? Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.

· Do you think we should sack the poor overworked survey, based on your meaningless responses to the survey survey? Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.

 

Thanks for your invaluable input. Do you have time for just one more survey about the survey survey, it will only take a couple of minutes, and you might win a worthless gimmicky electronic device? Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.

 

"Aaaarrgghhhhhhhhhhh...."

 

I'm sorry, I didn't understand your answer. Thanks for your invaluable input. Do you have time for just...

Reviews

[Matt Sayer]

That was unequivocally fantastic! A perceptive play on so many aspects of our society, from crowd-sourced entertainment to the white lies we tell ourselves and others to make us seem more attractive. You have pulled the fragile fabric from the face of society and exposed its fickle nature with wonderful humour. Bravo Daniel, bravo! :)

[Daniel Sala]

Many thanks for a perceptive analysis of the "survey", and for the kind evaluation.

[Matt Sayer]

:P Brilliant :)

[Lyn Anderson]

This is so clever. Sharp, witty, everything you wanted it to be. I am so glad I am slinking out of my hole to read some of your stuff.

[Daniel Sala]

Thanks for the comment, and I'm gald you enjoyed the survey.

[Cryingkate]

OMG! gotta read it again! By the way do you have any more surveys? LOL

[Daniel Sala]

Hi, thank you very much, I appreciate your comment!

[Cryingkate]

Hey, Daniel, I'm glad i saw you again tonight, After I posted Me Myself and I on Discovery Lane I crossed your path again, I think you are the one that inspired that thought from Your Parlor talk, It must of been in my subconscious. I would love to see what you come up with. If You feel like messing with it. Thanks Connie

[Vidya Bacchus]

Oh my god hahaha you are the worst!Actually you are the absolute best .How you write such thought provoking pieces while killing with your very sharp humour that draws blood I will never know.Surveys are actually this ridiculous asking you questions that in no way pertain to the survey itself.Kudos dear friend I could not do this.

[Daniel Sala]

Thanks very much Vidya, I am grateful to you for the kind review, really appreciated.

I expect the day to arrive soon where, for example, people are arrested and have to fill in a short survey on how the arrest was for them, and the police have to complete a corresponding time-wasting survey on how the criminal was nice about being arrested; or a world where you can't even ask your husband how his day went without his having to do a survey on what he thought of how you asked the question "How was your day, my love?", as everything we do these days has some irritating survey tagged onto the end, and as you say with ridiculous questions included.

[Vidya Bacchus]

Hahaha you damn comedian .You are welcome dear friend.

[Chris Rampersad]

HAHAHA. I really laughed for this one dude. This was great. Another one for my favorites. And honestly I've thought of doin somethin like this before but no way I could do it this good. Hahaha. COOOOL. :)

[Daniel Sala]

Hi, thanks for reading this, Chris, and thank you for the positive feedback, it's genuinely nice to know you have enjoyed it.
(...Now, if I could just take 2 minutes of your time for a quick survey about the comment...!)