Stormy Disaster

Like a lot of people, I like to imagine a little movie to go with the song i'm listening to. This one is inspired by Deaf Center's "Stone Beacon."

Ominous storm clouds cover the sky. Looking up, seeing the darkness looming over, hearing the thunder of the storm, he knows that time is dwindling away, like sand down an hourglass.

As rain humbly begins it's decent, he hears a mother beckon her children into the house. No doubt to avoid dealing with a cold. He gets up from the bench, and walks. He has no place to go, and little reason to be moving at all. Maybe he is only trying to put the futility of the situation out of mind. He can do nothing more; fate has made it's decision. The mother would soon have more concerning things than a cold to worry about.

A crack of lightning frightens the sky, and the sky replies in a ferocious, trembling roar. The dark clouds begin to bombard the road with bullets of water. Split-second explosions cover it‘s concrete face, and leave it a much darker shade than it was previously. It was an appropriate setting for what was to come, and it added bountifully to his mood of despair.

Author's Note

I decided I would edit this one a bit and implement all you're tips and suggestions. Thank you all so much for your input! It truly has helped me grow with my writing. And again, any criticism is more than welcome!

Reviews

[Carmen-Rose McGill]

I really like this! The personification you used for the storm and the clouds in the sky really helped me imagine it. I also liked the bit at the end. I've got questions in my head, which is never bad. Your writing has a lot of potiential as well, and I hope you keep it up! And please excuse me if I'm terrible at reviews!

[Amelia]

It is a really good piece but one tip I do have is in each paragraph try not to start multiple sentences with the same world like 'he......' and the next sentence start with he again because it could make it sound like a run on.. Overall reallly good though :D and it didn't sound that run onish but it's still a good tip

[Robin Adcock]

There are moments of magic in here surrounded by over-complicated sentences. I believe that simplifying sentences by removing or replacing unnecessary words can help create a better flow. An example of a brilliant sentence here is, "A crack of lightning frightens the sky, and the sky replies in a ferocious, trembling roar." ~ magic! Well done.

An example of an over-complicated sentence is, "He knows not to where he is walking, but he suspects he is walking to futilely attempt getting away from the knowledge that he cannot do anything to prevent the oncoming disaster."

I think you are trying to say something like, "He knows not where he is walking but something in him suspects it's a futile attempt to escape the knowledge of the imminent disaster."

I just replaced "walking to futilely attempt getting away from" with "a futile attempt to escape" it means the same thing but flows better. We already know he is walking, so you only need to say it once.

Also, "As rain starts to lightly pour down" doesn't sound quite right because lightly and pours have opposite meanings. "Lightly falls" would fit better.

I think the length of the story is great, I love little snippets. People will tell you to write longer but that's up to you, I think it's cool to write very short pieces. Love your description. I would just recommend reading your work objectively or getting a friend to read it and see if it flows:)

[Inyourshadow]

I agree with last comment break it up a bit into paragraphs to look neater and add more punctuation.
As for the content of the piece I loved it, nothing like a good storm to fire the blood and your use of imagery and natural tention is perfectly done.
Simply read the piece and where you breath add a comma or full stop, will reread and recomment if you decide to edit.
Keep em' coming
Shadow

[Aura Inanna]

I really love it, the picture is so clear and vivid. You make the story flow just like the song it's designed around. My favorite part is the personification of the storm and the sky, it brings the setting to life (literally).
Also, on the topic of being a new writer, just go for it. Experiment, wing it a couple times, some time when you're walking around just stop and use every single one of your senses to create exactly the scene in front of you. It keeps your mind working, thinking, and creating in ways you won't believe. So just go for it.
:)

[Meredith]

I like it! I'm very young and I hope to be a writer someday... this is very good. You have potential! Never stop!

[AndyJCash]

There's a great piece of description here with inklings there is a story behind it. As others have said, it'd be awesome if you wrote a story with this as an introduction. Regardless of what you do with it, this is still a good piece.

[Uc Amalu Jr]

It's captivating. Too short though.

[Blessed_Angel]

I love what i read so far but their is still some things i would like to adress. First off is their going to be more to this because if their is i think this story could be killer just as how it started off. I see great potentol in you and i hope you keep writing. Some people on here can be crule but use their negative remarks to your advantage. I got alot of my writing ideas from people who were mean to me. Two when writing any type of story don't try to hard let the words flow out of you. But try a little bit aswell or it will sound choppy and un profeshional. Just like any authors do they read and reread their material out loud and think to them self does this sound good, what can i do to make it better, did i miss capilization or puntuations, Is all my words spelt right. Use thease to help with your writing. Anyway i see potentiol in you and i sigjest to keep writing.