Penny For Your Thoughts

I wrote this particular piece also when i was fifteen This poem's from what i can remember is about people that pretend to hate you but love you and visa verse Full criticisms please

If I could have a penny for your thoughts
what would you say better yet what would you think
Would I be a millionaire whining and dining in riches
as the image of my facial being soars through the dimensions of your weary mind
but your shelled exterior tries evidently to block out your thoughts of me?
leaving me another sidewalk urchin trying to find a home or hope
Or would i be penniless suggesting that my outer being doesn't process or trigger a spark in your mind making you thoughtless but your warm exterior greets me with the most gratitude , love and kisses like an angel released for the gates of heaven planting seeds on another soul that's lost the war of life.
Now to re-iterate the opening line
If I could have a penny for your thoughts
what would you think?

Author's Note

Ignore grammar problems , tell me what you think :)
For people saying it reads with an london accent
I AM FROM LONDON :-) Read and enjoy
Peace and Love

Reviews

[Bella-Marie]

Very interesting. Very thoughtful. Very powerful.
Very short.
Which is good. The length of this poem makes it straight the the point yet it isn't cruelly blunt. And the fact it is a poem yet... not a poem... makes it very interesting and different.
I like the idea of not using full-stops to make it sound like a waterfall of words and ideas and sentences that somehow make sense as the fall.
I like the main idea about having a penny... or indeed, being penniless... because that is a main theme you have woven into the poem and you didn't do a bad job either.
In fact, you did an excellent job.
Ka Pai.

[.]

i like this-it has a tropismatic feel to it.
a wonderfully creative thought process.

""If I could have a penny for your thoughts
what would you think?""

~~a great piece of thought provoking poetry~~
If only i had a penny :)
(really-a beautiful piece !)

:)

[cest la vie]

This reads like a stream of conciousness, so with that being said I would break this up abit different (you asked for full critique).The message is strong and I like how you deliver it, just presentation makes it hard for the reader to keep the thread of thought.

Example:
If I could have a penny for your thoughts
what would you say better yet what would you think

Maybe try this:
If I could have a penny for your thoughts,
what would you say
tell me what you think....


these are only my opinions and I am merely a word scribbler but I think you have the thoughts for good writing.

[Donald Meikle]

It's a view from teenage eyes that see more than aged grown ups want to. I'm in my seventies ann=d hope my views remain as crystal.

[Katseye]

Very interesting.... especially for a 15 yr old. Very deep and thought provoking.

[Robin]

there are great riches found within oneself , one finds this by thinking for their self ~ my two cents ~ ;)

[Doug Ordunio]

Very unique idea, but when you say your writing is like "from the hood", I really thought it was gonna be in some "hip-hop argot," that would make me say, "I'm down wit' it, G! You write sum nasty s**t." But you don't. Actually it seems rather literate.

That being said...it seems that it goes way in the other direction, and it might be better heard as being read aloud in a British accent. I feel there are some things that would improve its overall expressive qualities, perhaps beginning like:

If I could have a penny for your thoughts
what would you say better?

Would I be a whining millionaire
who dined in palaces
as the image of my face clogs your weary mind
when it tries to obstruct your thoughts of me?
leaving me a homeless penniless urchin, without hope?

(Then go on, but change the ending so it is not an exact repetition.)

But these are just ideas for you to consider.

[SabrinaThePoet]

i liked it

[Norma M Sutton]

I like it. What people see and what they don't see are often far different each from the other.

[Sarah Jane]

I love this! I'm practically speechless:)

[Tony]

This is pretty deep.
Really deep.
I will have to read it several times.
Which means it is interesting.
Ok, we can be friends.
Just don't touch the lightning, ok?