The Orchard On The Island

            He felt her skin as they lay on the rocks that grazed the shoreline. The water from the inlet licked at the rocks, eroding away their existence ever so slightly. Jeremy let his fingers dance along Alice’s pale skin, the inlet’s water creating a dew to fall onto Alice’s skin. The morning air had been around them since the time that they came here, nearly biting at their heels. Alice looked to Jeremy as they lay side by side. She looked deep into the irises that she so loved to gaze into. Often times, she would find herself lost in the hazel and light brown patter of colors that she called his eyes. She lifted her hand to his head and started to stroke his hair.

            “Let’s never leave here.” Alice said.

            “I didn’t plan for us to.” Jeremy replied. Alice smiled so greatly. The red lipstick that she’d worn from the night before had started to wear off some time during the night.

            “When was it that we came here?” Alice asked.

            “We came here at about nine o’clock last night.” Jeremy replied. “After dinner, you told me to take you to the inlet where you loved to spend your summers. You tried to tell me about the times that you would spend here, but you passed…” Jeremy paused for a little too long. “…but you fell asleep in the car. So, could you tell me what you were going to say?”

            “I remember the first summer I came here…when I was just ten years old.” Alice said. “I was scared of the tides. I asked my parents where the water went and why it rose and fell, and they made up some story about sea monsters who commanded the levels of the water. I didn’t go into the water with my sister for two days until my parents told me that they made up the story. I pouted for the rest of that day. Then, the summers that I came here after that were always beautiful trips. I would always find seashells, and I would try to give them to my younger sister. But she would always throw them back into the water. She never liked them for some reason.”

            Alice’s eyes started to close again. Jeremy feared every time that her eyes would close, because he never knew if she would come back. Franticly, he splashed water onto her face and tried to perform CPR on her. His lessons on resuscitation did prove to be useful in instances like this, since this sort of thing had been happening to Alice for some time now.

            She had never been like this before; she was always vibrant, always outgoing, seeming to have not one single impediment. But, a few weeks into the spring, she started to have problems. One day, she told Jeremy that she was starting to feel light-headed. She said that the feeling was keeping her up at night, since she didn’t look like she was getting enough sleep. Then, the day after that, her hand started to bleed for no reason. Although Jeremy didn’t have much medical knowledge, his father was a doctor, and Jeremy had been taught the signs of leukemia. One of the signs was excessive bleeding caused from small injuries or no injuries at all.

            At the moment he saw her hand bleeding, and her telling him she didn’t know why it was bleeding, he went pale. His heart had dropped, and probably skipped a few beats. He rushed her into the hospital, and let her into the hands of doctors. A doctor had come back to Jeremy with Alice. The doctor told Jeremy the horrible news: Alice was in such a progressed state of leukemia that there was nothing the doctors could do. There was no expression on either Alice’s or Jeremy’s face when the doctor said this.

            Jeremy managed to resuscitate Alice, her coughing being a sign that she was revived. During these moments where she had a loss of breathing, she could not recollect what had happened. She had amnesia every single time she went away.

            Jeremy positioned himself next to Alice again. He told her that she passed out the first time that she came back from her fit of breathlessness, but she refused to believe him. She thought that she was invincible, that nothing could harm her. Nothing, not one thing in this world, could do her ill. That was what she thought, but not what she realized what just a romanticized version of her own denial.

            She looked into his eyes.

            “Jeremy…there’s a boat at a dock near here. Let’s go into it and take it to the island that’s in the middle of this bay.” She said.

            “Alright…where’s the boat?” Jeremy asked. Alice pointed in a direction, and a dock jutted out from the sand. It had a small dingy roped up to the wooden planks. Jeremy looked at the dock and the boat and then back to Alice. He took her hand and they walked over to the boat, climbed into the small, wooden frame and sailed off into the water. After about ten minutes of rowing, they arrived at the shore of the small island. They walked onto the shore and a few feet into the vegetation that resided on the island.

            “There’s an Orchard in the middle of this island…I want you to take me there.” Alice said to Jeremy. She somehow expected him to know where the Orchard was.

            “I don’t know where it is.” Jeremy replied. Alice took Jeremy’s hand.

            “Then I’ll lead you there.” She said.

            After about five minutes, they arrived at an overgrown Orchard. They sat down among the overgrowth in a patch of moss. Alice kissed Jeremy and rested herself onto his chest. Jeremy stroked her skin lightly.

            “I remember this Orchard so well.” She whispered, but her whisper was loud, as if it was being spoken through the overgrowth. “I came here on so many occasions in the dead of the night. My parents would never catch me sneaking out of the cabin to come here. They never heard the oars of the boat creaking as I glided across the water. And I remember when I would come here and I would look into the air that surrounded this place…I would always see the image of your eyes and your face in the air. The plants here would always whisper to me that those eyes belonged to my one, true love…and that love is you. That’s why I was so glad that I found you. It was because of this place that I knew it was you. Every single time that you almost gave up on me, I would never think of giving up on you, only because I knew who you were.” She looked up to him.

            “Jeremy, I love you.” She said.

            “I love you too, Alice.” He replied. They kissed so sweetly; they could’ve gotten lost forever in their locked lips. But eventually, Alice once again laid her head upon Jeremy’s chest. Caressed by the overgrowth and blanketed by the stars, they fell asleep in the Orchard.

           

            But, upon awakening, Jeremy could not find Alice. He panicked for a few moments, but then, he saw her. She was at the shore and in the boat, rowing herself away. He feared that she would pass out in the deepest part of the inlet, and that she would fall into the water. He ran down to the shoreline as she rowed the boat out into the deepest part of the inlet. He shouted, no! over and over again while he ran. He sprung himself into the water and swan towards the boat. He was almost to the boat when he heard Alice plunge into the water. In a desperate attempt to save her, he dove down into the water to bring her to the surface. He succeeded in finding her, and he brought her back to the island, but she was gone. His tears could not be sorted away from the water that coated his face.

            He picked up his deceased lover and brought her to the center of the Orchard. He sat down next to her and sobbed for what seemed like and eternity. As sleep gripped him, the stars once again blanketed him and his lover. His tears dried on his face as he dreamt. Dreams of Alice would not leave him, but he loved those dreams. He loved to see her display of vibrancy, the very thing that kept his life alive.

            In the morning, he woke up. Directly in front of him, was an apple. He plucked it from the branch that it hung by. He looked up into the tree canopy that seemed to hover above him. He smiled, held up the apple above his head, and said,

            “To The Orchard On The Island.”

Reviews

[.shalynn.009.]

"onto Alice’s skin" coming right afte "Alice's pale skin" this seems a bit repetitious. Even if you just changed "Alice's" to "hers" that would make this better

"the time that they came here" this is a bit wordy. You could cut it down to "their arrival"

"patter" I think you meant "pattern"

"that she called his eyes" since they actually are his eyes, it would make more sense to say "that were his eyes"

"worn from the night" take out the "from". Also, since you used "night" in later in the same sentence, you should change it here. Maybe to "evening" or somethign.

"but you passed…” Jeremy paused for a little too long." Great job with forshadowing.

"Franticly" should be "frantically"

"and let her into the hands" I don't think "let' is the right verb here. Maybe you meant "led"? Or "gave"? I'm not sure.

"but not what she realized what just a romanticized version of her own denial." I'm not sure what you meant here. Maybe "but she didn't realize that was just a romanticized version of her denial"?

"She somehow expected him to know where the Orchard was" Delete this sentence, since Jeremy's response gets that across to the readers

"Orchard" orchard shouldn't be capitalized.

"but then, he saw her" You should avoid using "then" in your writing. Change this up to something else. For example: "He panicked for a few moments before catchign sight of her"

"He sprung himself" "sprung" isn't the right word. It would be "flung"

"and swan" should be "swam"

"he dove down into the water to bring her to the surface" Cut out the "to bring her to the surface" It's redundant.

"and eternity" should be "an"

"it hung by" should be "it hung on"

This was almost a ghostly tale, and quite lovely, It was hard to critique, because I got caught up in it. I thought you could have extended the scene in which Jeremy pulled her from teh water (show the struggle it is to pull her to landto symbolize his struggle to save her from leukemia) but it isn't necessary. With a little work it could be very beautiful.

I was a little confused by the ending (why an apple? Why does he dedicate to the orchard? Why doesn't he look at his love again?) but it's probably more to do with my own density than your writing. I very much enjoyed this piece, and I thank you for the RR. Keep sending them.

[Ian Faraway]

Someone's at an all time writing high, huh? Very well penned, it was sad but still had some kind of positive feel at the end. Good job.

[Coyote Poetry]

I like the way you wrote this story. It was a sad story. You wrote the story with a positive feel. Allowing the good memories to show through the bad. I like the complete story. A very strong ending to a outstanding story. Thank you.
Coyote

[MR_BERG]

The whole piece seems rushed. Words and sentences mashed together, almost in a panic, though I do like the sense of otherworldly resolution at the end.

[Liz]

Oh wow. Your stories are always so great, Luke. I don't know where you come up with these things, but they're fantastic.
In this particular story, I found myself feeling as though I was a part of it. When Alice was rowing away in the boat I began to get angry. Numerous questions about why she left Jeremy filled my head. DId she know she was going to die? And did she want to be away from Jeremy when it happened? Did she pass out into the water? Or did she purposely fling herself into it?
Those are questions that are best left unanswered, but I loved this, I truly did.

[Jessi Berlasty]

“After diner(dinner), you told me to take you to the inlet where you loved to spend your summers." "At the moment he saw her hand bleeding, and her telling him she didn’t know why it was bleeding, he went pale." You don't need a comma before "and" here. "He took her hand(,) and they walked over to the boat, climbed into the small, wooden frame and sailed off into the water."

Good job.

[Julie Beth]

this had plenty of emotions i loved it great job :)

[Lily Mae]

This is a deeply intense write.. You have such a great way of describing love...and loss.. I think you penned these emotions well with this :) x