Broken Melody II

This is a new version of a poem I wrote when I first joined the cafe, or thereabouts

Softly it murmurs an alluring melody;

She rests her head against the warmth

of its earthly home, as she listens intently to

its seductive song.

 

The music comforts her with beautiful tones;

mysterious compositions of impassioned love

remain locked behind its walls; she searches 

for a key she cannot find.

Standing outside, the silence is deafening;

staring into its windows, she longingly searches

for the sweet sound she so needs to hear again, 

as it draws the curtains. 

Slowly, she turns and walks away, her sorrow hidden

beneath pride; glancing over her shoulder she strains

to hear one last beat, but its music no longer plays

for her.  It is then that she realizes, it never did.

Author's Note

I am rewriting a few old poems, and this is one of them. I see a big difference in my writing style between then and now. The original version is still posted here as well. Feel free to suggest if you see something that needs more work. Improvement is my goal. Thanks!

Reviews

[Touché Armada]

I think of the song symphony of life when I read this, dont know if you know it so here:

"Symphony For Life" sung by Tina Arena...

Stars are shinning in your eyes
And I begin to realise
That our paths through times unbroken
Do you know what it's like
When a mirror never lies
And the truth remands unspoken
And we dance into the fire
'Cause our spirits take us higher
Do you feel me now
Burning like a flame
If you touch me
I may disappear
Floating through your eyes
How do we resist
The gravity of love
In the symphony of life
There's a place I've never been
Where there's angels gathering
and they talk about the future
When the simple things in life
Can do more to satisfy
Let the wisdom be my teacher
You can have all that you desire
But it may not take you higher
Do you feel me now
Burning like a flame
If you touch me
I may disappear����..

I guess its all about what person feels personally, whether its shared or not is almost inconsequential, because we all have out own inner song and music, and unless you happen to be a talented musician or entirely promiscuous its all inner dialogue� you can listen to the birds sing, but they don't sing for us no matter how much we happen to love their twitters, and the same applies to everything around us, part of the orchestra but most people are playing specifically for their conductor and that would be the one with the flashy hand moves. But there is no reason why anyone shouldn't stay around to enjoy the sceptical.
Edit: Oops lol spectacle I meant spectacle.

[Dizzy-Izzy]

Oh I really like this one. I love music, I lived for a long time without the melodies that I loved... so this speaks to me.

"she searches
for a key she cannot find." You know the song by the Youngbloods... Get Together?

"You hold the key to love and fear within your trembling hand, just one key unlocks them both, it's there at your command."

I wish I could remember that. It always seems to escape me at the moments it would do the most good.

Sorrow, pride and backward glances... realization. Did the music really never play? I don't know, could be right... maybe it's the tune... yes? You know the whole walking to a different drummer thing? I think I have had the cadence wrong for quite a long time now.... I am going to grab the sticks and bang out my own beat.

I had never read this before, very thought provoking and just great.

Kristina

[Anima Inspired]

Definitely a difference...the thing that I like most is the tone and the flow of this one. I can see a true improvement in terms of structure, line breaks and overall "feel". As for the piece...it's what I like to call "tragically beautiful"...something that pulls at the heart strings and shines like a star at the same time. Nicely done...

[Amanda]

i can see a big difference between this (even though you have rewritten it) and the way you write now. it is still a good write, though. it is like the 'music' that plays in my head that no one else can hear...the thought that it never played for you, is a sad sentiment. the comparisons and flow are really good.

i like this, Dani. it's a nice, sad write...

A xox