Sea Ghosts

This was another form challenge from Mike LaSalle (see details in author's note). (The formula used was invented by Michael LaSalle). Copyright 2008. All rights reserved by Michael LaSalle.

 

 

Seas reflecting glistened portals,

Keep history’s concealed lies,

Breeze deflecting christened mortals,

Seep mystery’s unsealed guise.

 

Waves repealing ghostly noises,

Past deception thickly drifts,

Graves revealing mostly voices,

Vast reception quickly shifts.

 

Men deluded endure foray,

Cries reflected haulted breath,

When precluded ensure today, 

Lies selected salted death.

 

Ten defeated seamen emerge, 

From hauntingly eerie tombs,

When retreated demons diverge,  

Comes dauntingly teary doom.

Author's Note

Mike's formula is:

4 stanzas, repeated as follows:

8/1-3-2-2 AA/BB/CC/DD
7/1-3-2-1 EE/FF/GG/HH
8/1-3-2-2 AA/BB/CC/DD
7/1-3-2-1 EE/FF/GG/HH

Honestly, this one was tough. The words have to rhyme in a certain order with a specific syllable count as shown above, but also be fitting to the content. It's harder then it looks. Whew. I'm tired now....lol.

It's about an overtaken and sunken ship, forsaken by its leaders and its sailors now haunting the sea. I hope you like it. :)

Reviews

[Mr. Lopez]

The formulas of poetry scramble my brain. I'm a shoot from the hip kinda guy but that does'nt mean that i can't appriciate your efforts. I think that admire is a more suitable word. Looks tough but the last couple of pieces that you've done like this were a total hit , as is this one. The end result is a poem that flows perfectly yet is complex. Throw in a sunken ship and ghosts and im there ! oh by the way.... I'm a HUGE Dani fan. Great work my friend.

Mr. Lopez

[ABBY]

you have skill. great job

[K. Aurora]

This has an interesting quality to it. The pattern and the beat present the images kinda like if I were watching one of those old news reals. Yet this comes through in vibrant color. The story it tells is sad and tragic yet, somehow the flow and the color take away from the chaos of the moment and the sorrow felt, replacing it with a historical presence of awe and facination.

Nicely writen!
Kansas

[alternative_be]

Wow, you have done a wonderful job, I first read the poem and than noticed the formula underneath! At first I was not aware that you were working according to a formula as strict as this. Now I am understanding why you needed a certain word ... My first impression reading my notices as I logged in today, was that you were doing a crossword puzzle or something in between writing.
Now everything becomes clear to me!
I think you have done a great job for I do like abstract poetry. At first my thoughts wondered off to loved ones who chose a seaman's grave by choice, like people having there ashes dispersed in the sea. But then the gravety of the subject struck me while reading 'Stalin', now that did ring a bell!
Apart from Stalin, after reading this poem, it also makes me think of the crews of a few Russian submarines that got shipwrecked in Scandinavian waters and were beyond salvation. What a gruesome way to die!
You really have an extraordinary talent to write along a very strict formula and still come up with a poem that reads as if it was written naturally!
Very well done! I hope to master formulas as well as you do one day!

[Albert Freeman]

Add me to the Mr. Lopez train. I looked at that formula and had a nightmare I was back in Algebra or Chemistry, lol.

You did an excellent job of painting the imagery and setting a rising and falling rhythm that draws the reader of the poem into the story. You can see the ghosts of the past rising from your writing. Well done.

[Arthur Henn]

Poetry at its best. I admire anyone that can write poems like this. this is your second poem that I have read that you have so well written. Theses are hard to do with the think process involved a great challenge for the mind.

Well Done! I have not the patients in writing these. this is true poetry.

Art

[Angel's Lady]

From oceanic eerie tombs - very nice line.

Hey, I never know what those formulas mean and I almost always just move my Bishop to Qh5 so you're doing better than I would have! Great job!

And really good job of staying on task with the "content".

The Forgotten?

[D. Nelson]

wow. That is all i can accuratly say. I am impressed by this on so many levels. For one, its very well writen and extremely eerie. two, this is a very confusing formula and the fact that you followed it so well ia very impressive. Terrific write.

[Nely Amorim]

i'm with Mr Lopez..lol I am forever in admiration of anyone who can follow a precise formula for prose but I confess I don't understand how and would probably give up in disgrace..lol I do see the result is luminous, your poem was eloquent and mysterious. It captured my imagination immediately. Enjoyed it immensely :D

[Pink Poison]

I like this one. It has a haunting cadence that really adds to the feeling of the poem. I am not much of a history buff (well, ancient Mayan and Egyptian but nothing else) and don't know the event that the poem is talking about, but it is a great read. I think your last stanza ties things together perfectly. Great job!

[T]

Wow! Oh my gosh, D this is quite impressive! I'm sure its harder than it looks but you have a way of making it flow so effortlessly! I thought it was going to be a poem about your beach outing today! lol This is a keeper, hun ... awesome work! hugs