Lost

I was PMSing...and missing my boyfriend. He was partying at a friends' graduation party. And my anxiety got to me, so next thing I knew, I couldn't stop writing what I was feeling.

I hate this. I hate it, I hate it...but I missed it. Why would I miss something that ends up hurting me? I'm sorry, I'm sorry...stop it, please. I know it's just emotions and hormones and all that girly crap that I can't handle but I'm sorry. I miss you. 

I don't like this. I like you but I hate feeling this way. I don't want to depend on anyone but I hate being alone more than that. I miss you...stop it. Stop it, stop it, please stop it. Stop being so damn needy...I'm not that person anymore...last time I was that person my mind was torn apart by the seams, and my heart shattered into thousands of agonizing pieces. 

I don't want to be fixed...don't fix it. Please fix it. It hurts to feel it again...but not feeling anything is worse. So much worse. I really hope this is worth it...should I have done this? Depend on someone other than myself? I can trust myself. I can't hurt myself.

I've hurt myself a thousand times more than anyone has ever hurt me. Why? Because I'm constantly prepared for someone I like to hurt me. That's what happens right? No, I'm sorry. So sorry. I didn't mean it, didn't mean that at all. 

I'm sorry I'm not making sense. I don't know how else to say it...so I say the first thing that crosses my mind. And right now I'm feeling lonely. Pitifully lonely. My thoughts keep stumbling over each other...I can't.....please just stop it. I'm upset. I don't know what the hell I'm even feeling right now. 

It's late...I should sleep. 

No, stop it. Stop crying...please just stop. I'm fine. I'm always fine. Fine when it's just me....fine when I don't miss you because I'm with you. I'm sorry I'm so pathetic right now. I'm sorry. 

I'm lost in my own heart.

Author's Note

A friend suggested I put this on here. I followed her suggestion so I'm hoping someone else can relate.

Reviews

[FeliciaS (Poetic Prince..]

I can identify with that deep struggle inside. It's good to get those feelings out.

[jacjac44]

Each of the short abrupt sentences managed to carry their purpose, stating the confusion, vulnerability and fear that resides in your heart.reads wonderfully it should have been posted as a poem but if its a story there doesn't seem to be much of a plot or anything else of the matter.Not bad though. I will keep in touch with your future works.